Used Hoootie Hoo Products?

Being Unemployed means I tend to spend too much time trolling the internet reading random shit. Reading random shit brings on a new set of problems...it makes me second guess the intelligence of this great nation we live in...or at least the cleanliness.

Today I was reading somewhere about the different types of products used for menstrual cycles...yeah interesting topic I know... they started talking about this *Diva Cup thingie...which is basically a giant plastic cup that you shove up your hooootie hoooo and it collects all the blood or gross shit over 12 hours. Once it is full you stick your fingers and in a couple of cases pliers up into BeavTown and retrieve the devise, rinse it out (hopefully not in the office bathroom sink) and re-insert it back in your Vag.

Ok, I was alright with all of this until I started reading the comments...and then found people actually reselling their used (FUCKING USED) *Diva Cups....

"Oh look Ervette some one is selling a used *Diva Cup!"
"Shut the Fuck up Jo-Bob-Bertha! I gotta get me one of those! You know that is how Carl Junior got him some teeth, they was sellin' them right there on the internets from some ol feller who didn't need em' anymore"

Holy Christ people! There are places to draw the line...and used sanitary products are definitely it!!!

xoxo
Ms M

ps... Chapter 2 will be up soon!

A Little HUMP Goodness For Your Hump Day!

Thud..

xoxo

Ms M

SHH! Don't Tell Edward!

We love this picture! Not necessarily that Paul Wesley, aka: Stefan and I am in need of some Prozac and a back bone is in it...but we love us some Ian and this poster is just to funny! Of course we still love our Edward, but honestly--Edward is "taken"...buy that moody little twit Bella...and Damon-well, Damon is totally available and can kick some serious ass. I mean, come on girls: If you had a choice between two brothers...one wants to talk it out with his enemy and the other will just rip out the guys heart and toss it across the room-all to save YOUR ass...who do you want? I prefer the bad ass vamp! I have a feeling that is why most (oh who am I kidding...ALL) of the fanfic I enjoy feature an "Angry" Edward who will kick ass, rip panties, and take names later....

Anyway, it is great to be back...and I am glad we have at least one of you with us... SmartEPantz I am waving at you "hooker"...LOL!

xoxo

Ms M

Welcome Back...US!

We Missed You ALL!!!

Wow, did ya'll miss us and our potty mouths? Well if you did you are in luck...because we are back! Yes, we took a super extended bloggy break. Ms J had her baby...a precious baby girl born just a little early...but she is doing great! And I am home for a little while as well...Yaay me...and you...LOL!

I have been working on my own little fanfic and I hope to start posting it soon....that is if we have any readers left....so do us a favor, if you are reading this now-and plan to maybe come back and visit again..let us know in the comments...that way we know if we are just writing to the air.

xoxo

Ms M

Get Back Here Little M-We Will Have Some "Alone" Time Later...

So, where have we been? Locked in the back of a porn shop with dildos sticking out our asses you say.... well, no-actually that might be more fun than the living hell we have been living for the last few months. Ms J is about ready to pop--and she is on a "special diet"...and no-not Edward's kind...that would be more fun. And me...I have been stuck in work/hell. I sit there everyday wondering how much trouble I would get into if I just started blogging from my desk...but with them tracking every single key we are hitting on our keyboards I am pretty sure they would show up with my box faster than I could finish typing the word "Jizz Gobler" and walk my happy ass right on out the door (and I have to hang on until at least October so I can get unemployment again..LOL). I have thought about smuggling my laptop into work so I could at least get these little blogs typed out and then just hit the "Post" key when I got home...and actually I may just start doing that soon, we are going way toooo long between posting...I am not even sure we have any readers left out there....crickadee crickadee crickadee....

So what brings me to the Twidom today you ask....well I got my issue of EW...and I needed a mop and bucket to clean up the glorious mess I made! I am sure you all know what I am talking about and don't need me repeating it. And to be honest...I am sure there are probably a lot of pissed off people out there more that willing to stab me in the head with a knife for rubbing it in...so I won't (too terribly bad that is).... Damon Won!! eeerrr...Ian Won!!! Holy FuckBalls Ladies!!! Don't get me wrong...I love me some Damon...but how the fuck did that happen? Was it because all the Twifans are in school now and couldn't make it a computer to vote.....or was it because they weren't paying attention to this little competition? Whatever the case may be I couldn't believe my eyes when I read it and my vagina about flew out of her safe harbor and landed on the magazine sitting in front of me. I reigned her back in with the promise of some "alone" time with the magazine later after the hubs goes to bed...wink wink wink... and really what better cover is there...Rob and Ian both on the cover...if only Mr. Skarsgard was there too...that would have made a lovely sandwich...oh Little M-we are going to have some good fantasies later honey, I promise.

Diary of a Horny Housewife

Horny....? Housewife....? Can you relate??? Then you might want to try this on for size.... it is still under a bit of construction...but we thought we would go ahead and open it up...

Diary of a Horny Housewife brought to you by Ms M, Ms J, and MarMar...

Paging My Fucking Excitment...Has Anyone Seen It?

What the FuckadeeFuckFuck is wrong with me. Where is the energy I felt for New Moon? I wonder if it has anything to do with the lack of Spoiler Whoring I've done. I was a MAJOR Whore for New Moon...I think I may have needed a double prescription of antibiotics from the doctor by the time that movie came out...but for this one...Not so much. I blame it on several things...first - Work... I don't have the time I once did to troll the blogs looking for things to feed my whorish addiction...and second I blame FANFIC-Who wants to see another shirtless still of Jacob the werewolf when I can read about a domineering Edward tying Bella up and whipping her lady bits with his flogger.... hmmm...



Now don't get me wrong-I am excited for the movie...hell-Ms J and I have had our tickets for opening night for a while now and we have a couple more tickets bought already for the weekend after...yeah-we plan on seeing this movie plenty of times! But are we counting down the hours? Not really. Have I picked out my outfit for opening night....uh..that would be a big ass "NO"....Wow-I suck!



On a completely random note...I am sitting here listening to the red carpet bullshit live on-line and Lance Bass just showed up...What the Fuck is Lance Fucking Bass doing at the Red Carpet. I mean we are already fighting a stereotype with these movies...do we really need HIM to be interviewed? Thanks a lot dumbass interviewer fuckers! And just a FYI...we don't care what sort of Evening Gown he was wearing..."WHAT?? He wasn't wearing an evening gown?" Oops...I must have heard him wrong.
Oh Goodie Miss Rosenberg... "Melissa-it must have been so difficult to write a script to this book"..."Why yes it was Miss Interviewer Girl...do you know how fucking difficult it is to fuck up a script based off a book, where basically the script was written for me...Yeah-I should win an award or some shit"....

Ok, I am off before I really piss some people off...

xoxo
Ms M

What Part of Hell Would I Be Sent To?

I know, I know we have been absent for some time now. Due to busy work schedules and dh's lurking about, oh shit, that's a lie...we just have been too busy reading lots of lemons on our phones.

Although I felt comfortable reading lemons most everywhere...today I decided maybe there was one place I shouldn't read them...at the church...

Here's my text to Ms M, "So what part of hell would I be sent to for reading about riding crops and nipple clamps in a church?"

She replied back, "The interesting/fun part, I'm sure!"

"LOL :-) where Ian Somerhalder or RPattz would be...with his flogger." I send back.

Ms M finishes up our conversation with, "and his wooden cross to tie you to!"

Thanks to Tara Sue Me for giving us some great D/s lemons! Never knew what the difference between a flogger and a riding crop was before reading The Training. :-)

No Mr. Massengill...YOU Sir Are the "Doucher"

So I have come to the conclusion that going back to work sucks big ass, sweaty, liver spotted, donkey nuts (well that and being married-because that complicates my blogging time as well). Not only do I have to put up with this ass jockey at work who insists on calling everyone a "doucher" but by the time I get home I am expected to make dinner, clean the house and get the kids ready for bed. This seriously blows! I can't even remember the last time I got to check out a Twilight related blog....oh don't get me wrong...I read "Twi-Porn" (aka: Fan-Fic) all day at work on my phone...but I haven't gotten a chance to troll the blogs and say hi to all our favorite ladies in a long time! So I am taking this very rare free moment to jump on here and say hello to you all...and let you kow that we are not dead. Ms J is just very pregnant and her hormones - along with her reading of "Fan-Fic" - have gotten the best of her...she may have to invest in some Duracell stock...just sayin'... seriously, she is still getting settled from her move-she finally got herself some living room furniture delivered Saturday (now you have NO excuse not to blog Twat Waffle!!!)....and I have been busy at work dealing with Mr. Massengill... I did however finally get rid of my house guest from HELL!!!! Holy FUCK!!! I'd love to go into ALL the details here, but since she was a minor-I don't know what the legalities are....

Anyway....we promise we won't stay away so long again!

Off to watch the MTV Movie Awards...

xoxo

Ms M

This Is Just Disturbing!

It really takes A LOT to disturb us, so when we say we are disturbed...believe us when we say it!

So What The Fuck is This?!? Who the hell wants a Damon Salvatore Action Figure Head...no, not the entire body...just the head.

Crotch..maybe..but just his head? Well, unless it was it his real head and his tongue still worked cause then I could stick it between my legs...

Happy Birthday to US!

One year ago Yesterday-we started this little ol' blog. We needed an outlet for all our perverted Twi-Thoughts that we couldn't share with our families (without getting put in a straight jacket and hauled off somewhere). Now a year later...the thought of being restrained doesn't sound so bad if some "Master of the Universe" was there with us...but sadly that probably wouldn't be the case. Our luck would be a Helga look-a-like would be there waiting for us to become her special girlfriend.... anyyyywayyyy... We just wanted to thank you all for all your comments and support over the last year. You ladies Rock!! Your comments have us in stitches everyday! You are all so smart and witty and we truly envy your creativity! We have to thank the Twitarded ladies for giving us the guts to start this blog! Their foul language and pervy thoughts surely paved the way for us. We didn't feel like we would totally shock and offend anyone since they were doing it first....although I think we have shocked them a few times...(wink wink).

xoxo
Ms M and Ms J

So who is Ms M's Houseguest?

I know several of you have been wondering who is this person staying at Ms M's house. Ms M is legally unable to say anything about her guest until later this month. However, I am allowed to talk about it.

Her houseguest (HG) is a foreign exchange student. It has been a long year. From the moment, she stepped off the plane, the HG started eating. Eating everything, especially cereal. She eats so much freakin' cereal that Ms M's daughter has to find a place to hide her box, so the HG doesn't eat all of it. And when Ms M cooks dinner...she has to double her recipe to feed the HG. By now, HG could either mean house guest or huge guest.

One time I went over to Ms M's for dinner with my family. Ms M can make a mean ass cheeseball...and that night she didn't disappoint. While I was standing there putting the mouthwatering masterpiece on my plate HG came over and hip-chucked me out of the way to get herself some. She fucking HIP CHUCKED my ass! Then when dinner was served she started growling behind us to get to the food...like a rabid fucking dog or some shit. AAANNNDD then the giant piece of shit started fucking FARTING at the table..F.A.R.T.I.N.G!! It smelled like barnyard feces whafting around while we were trying to eat. I thought my husband was going to get sick right there on his plate!


Thankfully for Ms M and her family, the HG is returning to her family very soon. Until then I'll be more than happy to share anything you want to know about HG :o)

Eels Up the Ass and Tits On My Phone

Seriously dudes, if I ever pass out drunk, please don't stick and eel up my ass! I read today that "after a chef in China passed out drunk, his friends played a prank on him that went horribly awry! Doctors found an eel up the 59-year-old man's rectum and the creature had eaten his bowels! WTF was wrong with his friends?! What happened to the classic prank of just drawing dicks on the faces of passed out drinking buddies?!"

All right, we have gotten that out of the way: I have to tell ya'll my story of the week: Yesterday morning began like normal until I walked out of my bedroom and started toward the other side of the house to get something out of the guest bathroom....when I got to the dining room I found my "house guest" fondling her tits. My first thought was "Please don't masturbate in my dining room, we fucking eat in here for Christ's sake"... well when she saw me she quit...so I carried on my merry way to get what I was after in the other bathroom. By the time I started back towards my room she had left for the day so I didn't have to see her again... Once I got to work I (of course) had to tell EVERYONE about the incident in my dining room. I was in some serious need of "disinfectant" advice.

The rest of my morning went pretty much as usual until I took my regular afternoon trip to the bathroom to take a picture of my cooter to send to the hubs (that ALWAYS puts him in a good mood, and seeing how it was Friday, I knew I was just guaranteeing a good weekend). That is when I found it.... as I was deleting my beaver picture out of my phone I found a GIANT TIT in my pictures...taken Friday morning... and it WASN'T MINE!!

It took me a second to connect all the pieces together..."Holy fuck balls dangling off the cross-my guest wasn't masturbating after all...she was taking pictures of her ginormous boob with my phone...SHIT BALLS...I need to disinfect my phone now..."

Why the hell would someone do that? Did she think I would like it? At least it wasn't her cooter!

I know some of you may be asking...How is this Twilight related? Or even Vampire related? Well it's not-but if you replace the tit in this picture with an apple it might be.....

xoxo

Ms M (who is now dealing with a "happy" hubby, damaged retina's, and is in need of a new phone!)

My terrible day just got SO MUCH BETTER!!!

Hi there ladies!

It's me again Margaret!  So, I'm sitting at work, searching fanfic for a good story to pass the day.  I actually found one that is really HOT!!  It's called Labor of Devotion.  If your bored, check it out!

I clicked on Yahoo! to see if Ms. M had emailed me any juicy tidbits (sadly she had not), but what do I see???  They have hired a new director to start filming Breaking Dawn!!!  HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!  AND, he is an Academy Award winning director!!  I'm about to scream with giddiness!  They don't know if it will be broken into 2 films yet, but they are fucking starting!!  It's about damn time!  

So, I thought I would fill you guys in.  I am jumping up and down in my seat!!

(Sorry M.  It's only 2 f'bombs, but it's a short post ;-P)  Later taters!

Ms J's Stress Relief

Moving sucks! It sucks big green donkey balls!

Right now, I'm at the old place because the cable guy couldn't come until tomorrow to hook up our cable/internet/phone. So, I'm sitting in an empty house paying my bills...

Thank God I have my obsessions to rescue me from real life! Stress relief this week has come in the form of fanfic, yummy Ian videos/pics, and the new Eclipse trailer! My husband has been wonderful at getting everything done for this move...which has thankfully left me time to tend to my other responsibilities (i.e. this blog) :-)

I would like to send a thank you to Kharizzmatik for updating Emancipation Proclamation this week, a thank you to Oprah for having Dakota Fanning introduce the latest Eclipse trailer, and to GQ for taking wonderful yummy pictures of Ian and placing them on the web.

And for further stress relief for all of us, please enjoy these pictures of our 'obsessions':

Commando is Now the Way I Roll!

Let's give Ms Marlana a big round of applause for her first post yesterday. My only complaint is that she only used the F-Bomb once...that leaves me in the position of keeping my title as The Potty Mouth of the blog. I had high hopes for you Marlana...really high hopes. LOL! In all seriousness I have to thank her because while my ass was stuck at work and Ms J's was stuck giving her husband head for her new house...(OK...I don't know if that is what she was really doing, but it is the only explanation for her not knowing the trailer was going to be on Oprah yesterday)Marlana was in the real world watching and squeeing over the new trailer---and getting the motherfucker (see that's how you do it Marlana) uploaded onto the blog. She even took the time to write her own review (which I totally agree with!!). So Thank You Marlana and we would love to have you back ANYTIME!

Now, on to some panty melting goodness...Holy Shit Balls dropping from heaven above. I'm thinking commando is the way to go from now on. Saves me the effort of finding new panties when mine decide to leap from my body and hump my computer screen because that is exactly what they did when they watched this video below....

Official Eclipse Final Trailer

Howdy y'all. My name is Marlana and my friend, Mrs. M asked me if I would like to do a post. She has been tied up trying to shield her precious eyes from the Nippileizer. She asked me this on Tuesday and I am just now getting to actually sit down and do it. I have been trying to figure out what in the world to post about, plus deal with the cluster fuck that is known as my life. So when I logged onto facebook and saw this, I thought, "there can be my first post!!"



Ok, blogger hates me and won't let me figure out how to get underneath the video, so all of my comments will be on the top. One day I will learn (if these lovely ladies ever ask me to again! LOL)

I watched the videos 3 times in a row, just to take it all in. I must say, I'm very impressed. The action looks great and it looks like it may be close to the book, (yes, I read the leaked script, and I think this one is going to be the closest to the book.) I am extremely excited to see this one!!

Now to the negatives. What the hell is up with Jasper's hair??? Are you kidding me?? It looks like an ugly cat fell asleep on top of his head! Now I know no where in the book does it say he is a god or anything, but Alice is supposed to be this Goddess of style, right? So don't you think her husband/fiance/lover would have really stylish hair and clothing? And don't get me started on the scary eyes!! They do not look anything like I pictured from the book, but maybe I'm crazy.

So what do you guys think of the trailer? Do you think it's going to be good? How stoked are you for June 30th?? Let me know!! :-)

Thursday Tribute to "The Office"

Ladies (and possibly one gentleman) we are going to test the strength of your power panties with this all new Office inspired video-

Enjoy!

Hump Day at Work and Ms M's Going Commando

Ms M took Mini E and Mini B to work and I guess they thought they should recreate "The Office." Horny little minis---right on the phone!

Then they moved onto her printer...

The Mini B got extra frisky, while Mini E received his rewards and recognition...

Ms M said she tried to stop them from defiling her soda can, but here they go at it again.

You'd think Mini B would be done after all that, but no...she had to start checking out our yummy Ian.

Ms M texted me this pic when she caught Mini B staring. She said she told Mini B, "Back off Bitch, Ian's mine. You've already done Mini E on my phone, my printer, and my fucking soda!"

To top it all off, Ms M had to go commando today to work. Her panties couldn't stop humping her laptop when she pulled up the pics of Ian in GQ. Let's hope she has better luck tomorrow!

Yum, Yum, Yum

Ian Somerhalder is on the cover of GQ in May. Ms. M sent me a twitpic earlier today and I think my panties ran off screaming across the room! So hold on tight to yours, don't say you haven't been warned-

So without further adieu, here they are:

*-

I know the song, "I Want to Do Bad Things to You" is a True Blood song...but it is what came to mind when seeing all these pics!

Hope you enjoyed these as much as Ms M and I did!

BTW, the minis have been busy (and I do mean busy) at Ms M's office. Tomorrow, we'll share the pics with you :-)

Cell Phone? Blackberry? Notebook? And ANOTHER Naked Picture!

Now that Ms J is preggos (thank to all the smutty fanficiton she was reading) she had to buy a new house so she put the blog to the side last week so she could get closed, pick paint colors, and begin the grueling task of moving all her shit.


I can't access the damn thing from work...something about "questionable content"...what the fuck! I am pretty sure the I.T. guys are just jealous of the precious and don't want the women at work getting any enjoyment from it....that HAS to be it! It certainly couldn't be all the F-bombs we drop and the naked pictures...NOPE-That can't be it at all....

NO! It certainly can't be because of pictures of me like this!

(Thank you Mrs P for this lovely picture)

Anyway-with a husband who works the exact same fucking hours as me-and this blog still a secret, it has been hard. So I am wondering, do any of you blog from a cell phone? Can you do it from a blackberry? Or should I look into buying one of those Notebook things? I seriously feel like a crack addict who lost her pipe.... (OK-I don't know how you do crack-I am not sure if you need a pipe, a needle, you snort it, or shove chucks of it up your ass...I'm just saying I am going crazy!)

xoxo
Ms M

ps-Ms J: I give you until next week to get all your crap moved and settled-then if you aren't up to "bloggy" speed...I will start sending you those pictures of Josh naked again...

No - I Don't Need a Bigger Penis, and I Don't Care About Your Legless Uncle!

No Mr. Manu Kala I don't want your millions you have promised me in your foreign bank account, so you can quit sending me your emails! And I am sorry Ms. Waneed, I truly am-but you and your now legless uncle in Africa are getting no sympathy or money from me-So you can quit sending me your emails as well. And Mr. Frank, dear dear Mr. Frank-I am sorry to disappoint you but I am not in need of your penis enlargement pills right now-I will however keep your number handy in case I ever do sprout a whanker and decide to keep it around. So you too can join my list of people who do not need to keep emailing me.

I swear I don't know how these people are getting my email address-they aren't sending Ms J anything! Furthermore, I have a hard time believing Manu Kala is actually reading this blog...and if Ms. Waneed is as concerned as she claims to be about her legless uncle-I don't think she really has the time to read Twilight, FanFic, OR this blog...and reaaaaallly Mr. Frank! If he read ANY part of this blog he would realize we are quite partial to our lady bits-and have NO desire to grow a pecker (of our own that is)...now if he sold a special formula to grow our own RPattz or Somerhalder Fun Stick-we'd be all over that shit!

So I went back to work on Monday and really hadn't gotten around to check my emails until today aaaannnnndddd I shit you not I had 337 fucking emails ranging from "Your a Lotto Winner" to "Get a Bigger "unit" by the weekend". Holy F-Balls! Are any of you getting these ridiculous mails in your "Twi-box"? I'm about to have some "fun" and start replying with the famous Pattinson Pecker Picture.

What is Making Rob, Ian and a bunch of lemons cry?

Farewell to Ms M's freedom...and to her long lemon reading days.

She just started back at the job we were let go from last year. (On a positive note, she gets to see Nippleizer again. Okay, that isn't such a positive note. Don't forget your safety glasses, Ms M!)

Several other people in her life are quite stressed about her lack of free time.

Ms M, why did you do it? I enjoyed dancing for you everyday.

Ms M, I am truly bothered by you going back to work. How are you to read all the lovely lemons about me while sitting at a desk?

Rob, Ian, Lemons...calm down. I'm sure that Ms M will still remember you once she returns to work. She loves all of you too much to trade you in for the Nippleizer and Camo Pants. (More to come on Camo Pants later this week) But if you still need a shoulder to cry on...my hubby is out of town for the evening! :-)

Ms J

Happy Easter From Ms J and Ms M!

Happy Easter Ladies! We hope you are enjoying your day and the image of RPattz's naked pecker has left your mind...of course now that we brought it up you are probably having horrible flashbacks-sorry! By the way-we gained a follower with our pecker picture...Welcome VampiresWeLove! Good to have ya, and if you joined because of the peen picture you must be just as pervy as we are, so you are definitely in good company here! Which reminds me to remind you...once we hit 100 followers we will give something away!! Maybe a sparkly peen? LOL!

Our Apology For The April Fools Pattinson Peen

OK, I am not sure how good of an apology this is because the peen looks really weird! Serioulsy it is bent at the end? What the Fuck? I mean if you had a dick that looked like that would you let someone take a picture of it? Even if you knew they were just going to photoshop Robert Pattinson's face over yours? I don't think I would-but to each his own!

Happy Friday Ladies! I hope I didn't inflect too much damage to your eyeballs!

xoxo
Ms M

The Cure For The Dried Out Vagina...As Promised!

As promised from yesterday we do INDEED have the cure for the dried out vagina. If you remember a while back we found a few naked pictures of our fav. celebrities. Some were fairly disturbing-while others had us mildly fascinated. We are fully aware that a few were probably the product of a Photoshopping job gone wrong but we found this one a couple of days ago. Here is our beloved RPattz...Naked. Now before you click, it looks to us that this was a paparazzi type picture because he isn't looking anywhere near the camera. Perhaps this was during a costume change from the Bel Ami filming. And we are aware there was a huge campaign a while back about "Leaving Robert Alone" so that is why we are not going to post the photo here, if you want to see it you will need to click the link. Needless to say, it looks like what they say about big hands and long fingers is absolutely true...Click HERE if you want to see the PattzWang. Enjoy ladies!!

xoxo
Ms M

It's HUMP Day! And I Should Have Been a Doctor!

So it's HUMP day!!! Happy HUMPING!! I know we haven't posted any pictures of the "Humping" Mini's lately...we need to get on that! I promise we will get our horny dolls out soon-they have been feeling very neglected lately. Someone dared us to take them to the grocery store a while back, and really-did they think we wouldn't do it? We really have no shame! I mean you are talking about the two people who whipped out the Full Size Edward at a Kathy Griffin concert...the grocery store is small potatoes compared to that!


Anyway time for my random thought of the day-as I am sitting in the doctors office with one of my twins (no, not my tits) today and I quickly became aware that my daughter is indeed a mini ME. First she proceeds to tell me that she likes to see people fight and when other people cry she has a hard time not laughing....(my daughter is 6). Then she shows me this picture and says it looks just like our house guest who blew shit chunks all over the guest bathroom:

I dream a dream of Poo Chunks...Spraying out my ass onto your wall.....

So what do you say when you totally agree with your kid, but you realize it is probably wrong to let her go on thinking bad things about people....?

xoxo

Ms M

**Update: I just realized that adding "I should have been a doctor" to my title made absolutely no fucking sense! I was going to get into the story about how I completely diagnosed my daughter before getting to the dr's office and the doctor wouldn't believe me over the phone...dh said she just wanted our money. But I was indeed 100% right in my diagnosis. So therefore I should Be a Doctor!! Ok now that I have cleared all that up...I am done...for today...see you all tomorrow when I will release the cure for the common cold....or was it a cure for a dried out vagina....

A Novella and a Rant

Does this say "Midnight Sun"? Well, then I don't care!

I know, I know-we are probably in the minority here (we usually are) but when news broke this morning that Stephenie Meyer had a new book coming out we about pissed ourselves thinking "Finally! Midnight Sun"...of course our pants quickly dried themselves out when we heard it was NOT Midnight Sun and was some short story about Bree. Actually Ms J had to ask Who the Fuck Bree was! After explaining it to her I got this response back in my email: "why the fuck would I want to read something if I know she dies????? why not midnight sun??? I don't think Stephenie Meyer is all there! Did she fall and hit her fucking head? Was something in the news about her being abducted by aliens? How did we miss that memo-shit!!"

Actually I think I read somewhere this morning that S. Meyer was quoted saying: She knows fans wanted Midnight Sun but she isn't writing any Vampire Books right now...WTF? I imagine Midnight Sun would be a big hit if she were to finish it. I mean, I know I would be first in line to buy a copy. How about you? We don't mean to sound so harsh here, really anything "new" and "Twilight" related does excite us-but we feel let down because the excitement could have been so much more epic!

No Mr. Biden...THIS "Is a Big Fucking Deal"!

Universal Healthcare Smealthcare! I can cure all your ailments!

This is also a "Big Fucking Deal"-in case you didn't see our post yesterday-we are having a contest! Once we hit 100 followers a random follower will be picked and a prize will be given!! Can you feel the excitement?! Or are you still drooling over Our Healthcare Package!?!

I Married a Woman...AND a Contest!

When did it become apparent to me that I might have married a woman....it was last night. Although the clues were all there. My husband doesn't look at porn (hell-he fast forwarded through the "tittie" scenes in True Blood), he doesn't have any dirty magazines, and he is moody like a woman most of the time-but last night just put the icing on the cake. He decided we should have a Vampire Diaries marathon so he could get "clued" into what I was watching every week. Well after a couple of episodes he started laughing every time Damon made a joke...and then when we were done he actually asked me if I was horny now after watching Damon. OK, I was pretty sure I wasn't being obvious with my drooling...and he was the one giggling like a school girl...so I am convinced now that my husband is indeed a woman and he obviously has a crush on my beloved Damon! Although to most of you that might sound like a bad thing...to me...I am now hoping he will let me hang my Damon posters in the bedroom.

Now on to the contest. As some of you may know we used to run the blog "Twisessed" and we had a LOT of fun over there doing it-that was until one of our kids found the blog and went to school telling some of her friends (and it just happened to be the post where we took the dolls to the porn shop)...NOT GOOD! Well, it was with a heavy heart that we decided to move-and in doing so I think we lost some of our readers and we miss them! Not that you all aren't completely fucking awesome!! But we decided we wanted everyone together again...and maybe some new people too! So once we hit 100 followers we will randomly pick one of our "followers" and give them a prize. What kind of prize you ask-well it isn't a battery operated wiener-but it will be just as good! We promise! And it will most definitely be Twilight related! So if you haven't already clicked the follow button go ahead and do it-and if you already follow us--you are automatically entered, just tell your friends to follow us to because once we hit 100...you could WIN! Good luck!!

xoxo

Ms J and Ms M

It's Tasty Thursday

What is "Tasty" about it you ask...well, let me show you:

Boom Boom Boom let's go back to the tomb...

Yes! It is finally Thursday and a new VD is on tonight. How long has it been since we've had a "new" Damon fix? The last new episode aired February 11th, yep it has been that long! Fanfic and the New Moon DVD can only hold a gal over for so long. Now if only we didn't have to wait so long for True Blood all would be right in our world! I guess the networks are doing us a favor though-I am not sure how much stimulation my lady bits could take if they were on at the same time.


On a completely different ramble, I was surfin' around yesterday on Youtube (like normal) and I found this awesome Twilight Video. I don't think I have ever seen anything like it before, it is one of the coolest Twilight videos I have come across in a long time.

Happy Hump Day Ladies!

Here is some "inspiration" for getting your "hump" on...

xoxo

Ms M

Eclipse Poster and Our Opinion(s)

I am sure you all have already seen the new Eclipse poster (?)...is that what a "one-sheet" is? Anyway- here it is again-with our opinions...

1) Doesn't this look just like the New Moon DVD 2 disc cover? Am I wrong? I have the 3 disc and it is different from that, but I feel like I have seen this pose before.

2) What is up with Rob's crotch...I mean we get to see Taylor's...Where is Rob's? Seems like the smoke monster took it away...No Fair!!

3) Here we go again with "It all begins....with a choice". Um, what choice? I guess I am going to have to go back and reread my books, because I don't ever remember Bella trying to "decide" between Jacob and Edward. How about "Enemies will be forced to join together...to fight for the one thing they love"..? Too long? Well it makes more sense to me!

4) Ok, we pick on KStew a LOT around here, and mostly I feel it is justified-but I will be the first to admit she looks good in this poster. The wig doesn't look like a wig-and her make up is nicely done, very "Bella" style.

Those are our little opinions...do you guys have any?

Monday Morning Ramblings

So, how many times have you all watched your New Moon DVDs? Myself, I watched the movie three times and once more with the commentary on. I also devoured the two other extras discs and I must say-I am a little disappointed that we got no Nipple explanation. I don't care how Taylor gained 30 pounds carrying around meat patties...gross!

Anyway-after watching so many times, I finally figured out the problem I have with Twilight (the movie)...I think (and I realize I am going to sound very stupid saying this) that each time I pop in my Twilight DVD I am secretly hoping it will be different. I am always thinking, maybe this time Bella won't twitch as much, and maybe this time it will follow the book more closely. It is the same when I watch Titanic-I keep thinking..."maybe this time the boat won't sink and Jack won't die". But alas after both movies I am left disappointed. Jack does indeed die and Twilight sucks donkey nuts. I will give Cougar Cathy credit though...I think Edward looks better in Twilight then in New Moon, but as far as the screenplay--it blows. OK-I am off my soapbox about that today.

So as I am making my dh watch N.M. with me last night I was surprised that he actually laughed at the appropriate times (Alice's vision included), and when it was over he said "I wish they just had all the movies ready now...I'd rather sit down and watch them all than have to wait months in between"....I'm like "HELL YEAH MISTER!" And I was about to show him the picture Ms J posted a while back of Edward and Bella in the meadow if they waited much longer to film...but decided I didn't want to have to take care of a blind husband and I really like him going to work and earning a paycheck so I refrained.

On a different note...did you all notice we are down to 99 days until eclipse! We are officially in the two digits!! WHOOOOT!!!

Eclipse Sneak Peak ... What Do You All Think?

Spraying Poop and the Missing Bloggers

Did we croak? Well, one of us wishes she could have! This has been an awful week! With Spring Break comes Kids and Husbands...and EYES-that doesn't fair well with our super secret bloggy life...so neither Ms J or myself has been able to post anything for almost a full week...(did you miss us? LOL!) and one of us has a visitor in her house that ended up with the flu and literally sprayed her guest bathroom with shit and vomit. It is like a fire hose of shit blew everywhere...how do you get diarrhea out of sheet rock? Anyone...Anyone....

So anyway-this post is going to be quick-while the dh is out getting more meds for the sick guest....

Who all is going to release parties tonight? Or do you even bother with that if you preordered your DVD and it should be in the mail box tomorrow... Well, if any of you are going-have some fun for me...and think of me mopping up buckets of poo while you are having that fun!

xoxo

Ms M

Eclipse Footage From The New Moon DVD...Hmmmmmmm....

Content wise I found this to be better than the freakin' trailer, but visually...WTF is with their snake eyes! ACK!

Ms M Has An Opinion..That is NEVER Good!

Ok, so here is my opinion on the whole Eclipse Trailer! I tried to get some input from Ms J last night but she was still hung up on seeing Taycob with out his shirt...again....did I say "again"...yeah...again. So I guess I am on my own with this one.

Ok I will start with the positives...I liked the opening:

I liked the clouds behind the little Summit doo-hickey.

Now, on to the stuff that sucked on these:

1st: The Wig. I knew going into it that this was probably going to be a problem. I just don't understand why K-Stew couldn't of worn a mullet wig for her other movie. I mean if given the choice I surely wouldn't have cut my long locks into a fucking mullet...ever. So now her "Bella" hair looks very dry and weird.

2nd: Who The FUCK is dressing Edward? When I read the books I don't read..."Edward buys all his clothes at 'Geriatric Gentlemen R Us'", I thought he had style! I miss the peacoat to be perfectly honest.

3rd: The makeup, I have to say-my dead grandmother looked better then Edward as she lay rotting in her coffin. And Bella is suppose to be white too...grrrrr!

4th: I know Jacob/Taylor (whatever) has to keep meatpatties in baggies and had to work his ass off to get all buff for the role, but seriously dude-put a shirt on. It gets old. I think I remember reading Stephenie saying Emmett was buff too and I don't recall getting to see Kellan walk around shirtless in the movies....so if we are going to be fair with this shouldn't we be getting to see him semi naked too? Hey-Makes sense to me.

5th: OK, Don't throw rocks at me...but Edward sounds a little bit like Rainman in certain parts....

6th: This book was NOT about Bella making a choice between two men. This wasn't some "Love Triangle"! Yeah-Jacob kept pestering her, but she was in LOVE with Edward...she never second guessed that. She just missed Jacob's FRIENDSHIP... This was about bringing two enemies together to fight against something "evil" for the person they BOTH cared about. Of course you wouldn't get that from the trailer...I'm really not sure "what" we are suppose to take away from the trailer. If you hadn't already read the books I am not sure you would know what the hell was going on.

So, in closing: I thought the trailer sucked big ass sweaty donkey balls! I was so disappointed! Yesterday when it came out I was all "Sqquuuueeeeee!!!!!! The trailer is released!!!" Then I watched it and was like "What the FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK!!! Are they fucking serious?" I even put off writing my review for a full 24 hours thinking I would calm down and find something positive to say about it. And seriously folks I am really not a "Debbie Downer" all the time. I am usually more of a "glass half full" kind of gal....that is until they start fucking with my "Precious".....

xoxo

Ms M

So...What Do You Ladies Think?

I have some opinions...but I will keep them to myself...for now.

RIP 14 Year Old Ms. M...Oh and Corey Too!

You are shitting me right?! Corey Haim did not just die of a drug overdose? How did I not see this one coming? I mean, he'd never touched drugs his entire life, right? He'd never been to rehab (more than once). He never did look like a bloat fish frantically looking for his next fix did he? Did He.... Oh now surely you all are sensing my heavy sarcasm there! I mean seriously folks I am just surprised he lasted as long as he did (well that and it happened on a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning...seriously dude-it wasn't even the weekend). That is not to say a part of me didn't die this morning with him, I mean a part of my youth belongs to the Two Corey's! I loved Lost Boys, and License to Drive! I even watched every stupid episode of The Two Corey's and felt bad for them. I totally blame that Suzie bitch for driving a wedge between them. I just feel good they got a chance to reconcile. RIP Corey! And take care of my 14 year old self you took with you!!

xoxo

Ms M

Swinger's Parties and Potatoes

Ok, so this post is going to be a little off topic..But I have got to tell someone about what happened to the dh and myself...and by someone, I mean I am posting this out there for the entire world to see! LOL!

So my story starts with the fact that I am the social director for our neighborhood HOA, which seems weird to me considering the fact that I fucking hate people, but whatever...it provides me with free booze and party supplies for other get-together's I throw with actual friends. Because I do this I guess the people in my neighborhood think I am a "nice" person, and someone they might want to hang out with... H.A.! So I get a call from this lady who lives here saying she is on the PTO and wanted my help with something and since I was on the HOA board she thought I would enjoy it. Oh yeah, just about as much as I would like a hot poker shoved in my eye (I despise kids about as much as I despise grown people). But I do it...and by doing it she thinks I am just "swell". So she invites me to be a part of her "exclusive couples dinner/game club". I am thinking "what the fuck is an 'exclusive couples dinner/game club', it must be rich people talk, right?". **a side note: My neighborhood is broken up into two areas...the normal area, and the "estates" area...this chick lives in the "estates", I am in the "normal" part. So I am thinking: "hmmm, I really do hate the general public, but getting together with some other couples from our neighborhood might be fun...and I love games! Maybe they will have the New Moon Scene it game...I totally will kick all their asses at that!". So dh and I agree to go. It turns out she is having a "potato bar". She is providing the potatoes and we are to bring our two assigned sides for the potatoes (bacon and chili). So I dig out the "good" Tupperware and off we go.

Clue number ONE that this wasn't such a good idea: We walk into "Martha Stewart's" house and see all the crystal and candles with my Tupperware. Miss Martha quickly scowls at my choice of container and transfers our sides into more "appropriate" dishes the proceeds to dispose of our containers.

Clue number TWO that this wasn't such a good idea: The other guests! HOLY FUCKING HELL BOMBS! I don't care if your husband is the head of cardiology lady, I also don't care how much money your sink costs. I seriously got tired of hearing the same stupid questions about what my husband did for a living, how much money do we make compared to you...etc....for fucks sake-who asks this kind of shit! Who gives a rats ass?

Clue number THREE that this wasn't such a good idea: We seriously had to take a tour of Miss Martha's house and she said things like: "Feel free to touch the carpet....(NOTE FROM MS J: You know that was just a precursor for the rest of the evening) notice the granite, it was imported from Italy, See our kitchen cabinets, the wood is dated back to George Washington"...we had to go look at her stupid toilet. Who The Fuck shows people their Stupid Toilet? We had to watch her flush the motherfucker and hear all about how some Arnold Palmer dude took a shit there. Like I give a shit!

Clue number FOUR that this wasn't such a good idea: After we ate our lame ass potatoes it was time for "games".... and I wasn't seeing a New Moon or Twilight game anywhere! Oh NOOOOOO...the first game on the list was... "Swap Your Spouse"...WHAT.THE.FUCK.! Ok, I don't know what "Swap your spouse" means in "rich land" but in normal everyday land that means...well...that means doing naughty things with someone else's husband/wife...probably naked...like Miss Martha's husband sticking his dingy in my hoo-haa.. and I am really not into that kind of shit. The second game on the list was "Hide Your Neighbors Ding".... After dh and I picked our eyes up off the floor (because they had clearly popped out of our motherfucking heads) we knew we had to come up with some sort of escape plan.

So I went to Miss Martha and said "We are so sorry, but our sitter called and we really need to be going, but thank you for inviting us over.....blah blah blah"...That seemed to irritate Martha all the more. She snapped back at us that if we weren't going to stay around for the games that we should get out of her house at that very moment because the other guests were going to start pairing up in preparation for the games. NO OTHER WORDS needed to be said...DH and I fucking RAN to the door and ran out to the car. You would have thought we were being chased by a rabid vampire...I hadn't seen my husband move so fast in all the years we have been married! We got to the car, got in and started to leave when I noticed we were blocked in. I am like "Well Fucking Shit! I think I am going to hit the car in front of us"...dh is like "Hit the Mother Fucker, I don't care! Just get us the Fuck out of here!"

So in closing...I do believe I can scratch the "I've never attended a Swingers Party" off my list...and I can honestly say, I will never be tricked into attended one again...unless Rob and Ian are going to be there. Then...I'll bring the potatoes!

A Proper Apology For The Sausage Nipples

So, I knew after viewing the atrocity that Ms J posted yesterday we were going to have to come up with something good as an apology...and after searching everywhere I finally found it. Of course Ms. Honolulu Girl found it first and has it posted on her blog, but it is so yummy I don't think she would mind us sharing it with you too. She has all the appropriate thank yous to whoever made this on her site as well, and I am sorry-but after watching this my mind went to mush so I couldn't really form a coherent thought to even think to link back to it...again - sorry! But with out further adieu here it is:

Now how could you not forgive us after viewing that!!??!

Stay tuned though...Ms J has a wonderful story about the Cargo Pants 1980's Boobie Queen...wasn't she just a gem to work with?!

Nippleizer

It wasn't quite this bad or we would have filed a sexual harassment case.

This week as our former employer has been screwing us over, Ms M and I have been thinking about what is not worth making half of our salaries from when we left. The first thing on our list is: Nippleizer. I'm sure you are asking yourself...who is Nippleizer? He is the man at our office who should be wearing a bra or at least a damn undershirt. We worked with a man who had nipples that could cut glass from a foot away when it was cold. So what are two co-workers left to do when they know their pink slips are just days away and they keep getting man-nips shoved in their face?Okay, well, first we put on safety glasses. But next, we wrote this little song to Britney Spears' Womanizer.

Brown noser

Whatcha got, you gonna eat that?

I know you -you gotta know just what we're doing

You can play like your our friend but in our backs we'd be stabbed in the end

I know what you are, what you are, baby

Look at you being more than just a kiss up

Baby, you

Got your nipples all perked up

Fakin' like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em

I know what you are, what you are, baby

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

You Got Me Goin'

You're Oh-So Nosey

But I can't do it

U Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

They Say your Cold

But it ain't cold

You're nothing but

A Nippleizer

Daddy-O

You got the swagger of an insect

Rollie Pollie

Just can't find the right companion

I guess when you have one too many, makes it hard

It could be easy Who you are, that's who you are, baby

Lollipop

you can suck them like a sucker

To think that I

Would be a victim not another

Say it, play it how you wanna

But no way I'm ever gonna fall for you, never you, baby

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

The best part of this song was when our Nippleizer actually came over to our desk and began dancing to Womanizer.

A Low Calorie Rpattz / Somerhalder Sandwich

With RL sucking the life out of us...we have no creativity for a real post. So since it is Thursday...and for those of you with fully functional vaginas you know what Thursday's bring... we give you a Damon video:

Yes, we are aware that tonight's episode is a repeat...but we could watch Ian on a constant loop and be just fine!

Now we know some of you are not into Ian/Damon as much as we are...so for your viewing pleasure we bring you a Rpattz/Somerhalder video (we'll take one of these sandwiches any day!):

KHARIZZMATIK Got Me Pregnant!

So, if you all haven't figured it out yet- it is me that got knocked up because of FanFic! Yeah-I am calling you out kharizzmatik! You might be miles away and think you can hide behind your computer screen, but it is all your fault! It is the only explanation there is because up until FanFic entered my life I hated sex. I would fake headaches and diarrhea just to get out of it. My husband had forearms of steel and I am positive it wasn't from cleaning the shower. Although that is what he would tell me he was doing for 30 minutes every morning before work. Then enter FanFic into my life and bammo--my libido went through the roof. I couldn't get enough. Pretty soon my husband was faking the diarrhea and my shower was no longer getting cleaned in the morning. But it was too late! The damage had been done! I guess birth control and a condom are no match to the powers of Mafia PrinceWard and his magical powers.

Warning!!! Do NOT stare in his eyes for too long or you will be registering at Babies R Us with me!

So now while my husband and I are happy about our little surprise, we are still looking to place blame where blame is due and Ms. Kharizzmatik...we are looking at YOU! LOL!