Swinger's Parties and Potatoes

Ok, so this post is going to be a little off topic..But I have got to tell someone about what happened to the dh and myself...and by someone, I mean I am posting this out there for the entire world to see! LOL!

So my story starts with the fact that I am the social director for our neighborhood HOA, which seems weird to me considering the fact that I fucking hate people, but whatever...it provides me with free booze and party supplies for other get-together's I throw with actual friends. Because I do this I guess the people in my neighborhood think I am a "nice" person, and someone they might want to hang out with... H.A.! So I get a call from this lady who lives here saying she is on the PTO and wanted my help with something and since I was on the HOA board she thought I would enjoy it. Oh yeah, just about as much as I would like a hot poker shoved in my eye (I despise kids about as much as I despise grown people). But I do it...and by doing it she thinks I am just "swell". So she invites me to be a part of her "exclusive couples dinner/game club". I am thinking "what the fuck is an 'exclusive couples dinner/game club', it must be rich people talk, right?". **a side note: My neighborhood is broken up into two areas...the normal area, and the "estates" area...this chick lives in the "estates", I am in the "normal" part. So I am thinking: "hmmm, I really do hate the general public, but getting together with some other couples from our neighborhood might be fun...and I love games! Maybe they will have the New Moon Scene it game...I totally will kick all their asses at that!". So dh and I agree to go. It turns out she is having a "potato bar". She is providing the potatoes and we are to bring our two assigned sides for the potatoes (bacon and chili). So I dig out the "good" Tupperware and off we go.

Clue number ONE that this wasn't such a good idea: We walk into "Martha Stewart's" house and see all the crystal and candles with my Tupperware. Miss Martha quickly scowls at my choice of container and transfers our sides into more "appropriate" dishes the proceeds to dispose of our containers.

Clue number TWO that this wasn't such a good idea: The other guests! HOLY FUCKING HELL BOMBS! I don't care if your husband is the head of cardiology lady, I also don't care how much money your sink costs. I seriously got tired of hearing the same stupid questions about what my husband did for a living, how much money do we make compared to you...etc....for fucks sake-who asks this kind of shit! Who gives a rats ass?

Clue number THREE that this wasn't such a good idea: We seriously had to take a tour of Miss Martha's house and she said things like: "Feel free to touch the carpet....(NOTE FROM MS J: You know that was just a precursor for the rest of the evening) notice the granite, it was imported from Italy, See our kitchen cabinets, the wood is dated back to George Washington"...we had to go look at her stupid toilet. Who The Fuck shows people their Stupid Toilet? We had to watch her flush the motherfucker and hear all about how some Arnold Palmer dude took a shit there. Like I give a shit!

Clue number FOUR that this wasn't such a good idea: After we ate our lame ass potatoes it was time for "games".... and I wasn't seeing a New Moon or Twilight game anywhere! Oh NOOOOOO...the first game on the list was... "Swap Your Spouse"...WHAT.THE.FUCK.! Ok, I don't know what "Swap your spouse" means in "rich land" but in normal everyday land that means...well...that means doing naughty things with someone else's husband/wife...probably naked...like Miss Martha's husband sticking his dingy in my hoo-haa.. and I am really not into that kind of shit. The second game on the list was "Hide Your Neighbors Ding".... After dh and I picked our eyes up off the floor (because they had clearly popped out of our motherfucking heads) we knew we had to come up with some sort of escape plan.

So I went to Miss Martha and said "We are so sorry, but our sitter called and we really need to be going, but thank you for inviting us over.....blah blah blah"...That seemed to irritate Martha all the more. She snapped back at us that if we weren't going to stay around for the games that we should get out of her house at that very moment because the other guests were going to start pairing up in preparation for the games. NO OTHER WORDS needed to be said...DH and I fucking RAN to the door and ran out to the car. You would have thought we were being chased by a rabid vampire...I hadn't seen my husband move so fast in all the years we have been married! We got to the car, got in and started to leave when I noticed we were blocked in. I am like "Well Fucking Shit! I think I am going to hit the car in front of us"...dh is like "Hit the Mother Fucker, I don't care! Just get us the Fuck out of here!"

So in closing...I do believe I can scratch the "I've never attended a Swingers Party" off my list...and I can honestly say, I will never be tricked into attended one again...unless Rob and Ian are going to be there. Then...I'll bring the potatoes!