Rob With Only a Hat on His Dong? Why Yes It Is!

If you like Santa Rob and you haven't checked out this website...you have GOT. TO. MISTER! It is fucking hysterical! It is http://robnipulations.wordpress.com/ . We have been giggling over all their "nipulations" all day. Of course if it is a site we visit...it is most likely intended for mature...er - I mean 18+ viewers.

A note for hump day...yes the dolls are humping...but NO there is not a HUMP day post this week. As noted before the hubbies are home, and I am not sure how we would explain us taking pictures of "that".

Happy Panty Melting Monday!

Sorry we have been MIA lately...with the DH's home for Holiday break-we haven't had the time needed to make a proper post. I hope you will forgive us after you watch this.....

Poof! Our Panties are Gone!

Thank you Marlana for telling us about this Wonderful Lemon! Permanently Etched by hunterhunting (Tattwards Mama): http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600375/1/

It was a wonderful Christmas present!

30 Seconds of Our Hot Mess

HAPPY MONDAY!

I hope you are all enjoying your Monday. I am about to go fucking crazy! The entire family is here until January 4th...My ears have been raped by stories I didn't want to hear, my kitchen is a disaster area from people not cleaning up after themselves,and my formal dining room looks like a laundry room where people have thrown their coats...but that isn't the worst of it...you want to know the worst part? I don't have time to sit on my laptop and surf the web for mindless Twilight shit all day. I am now hiding in the bathroom-pretending to take a shit, just to make this post. A side note: Want to know a secret....my dh and I have been together since I was 18ish and not once has he ever witnessed me shitting--the man thinks I seriously do not shit. I never leave any evidence of such act...I am like the phantom shitter in my own house...so I better end this now because if I am in here for too long he is bound to get suspicious.

It's What's Inside that Counts

I just have to share this! Who watches The Soup with Joel McHale? I watch it every week. Anyway back to what I have to share- This morning I'm sitting here watching and Joel shows a clip from CBS Cares. I really can't explain it...so please watch-

and they did not one of these but at least three...here is the Hanukkah version



and, last but not least, the "it's what's inside that counts" version


Watch CBS Videos Online

There are more video on CBS.com and there is a little something for the guys as well...

Watch CBS Videos Online

Fan Fic Friday!

Hello Ladies (and possibly one gentleman)! It is Friday and as promised we thought we start a tradition around here "Fan Fic Friday", so go ahead and comment your favorite battery draining fanfic in the comments. Hopefully it will help get us through the long weekend.

Of course we all know about The Office (unfortunately I think it is gone for now) and we have a link on the side for Clipped Wings and Inked Armor and the Submissive/Dominant/The Training.....so what new ones do you girls have?

Your So Sweet We Wanna Lick The Wrapper!

We thought you might need something to get you in the mood for tomorrow's FanFic Friday! Be sure to send us (or comment us) your links to your favorite fanfic/or the one that has your panties in a state of complete mush right now.

And we hope you have been able to watch the week long marathon of Damon/I mean Vampire Diaries on the CW. It somewhat makes up for the dry spell with the New Moon hype being over.

Our Happy "HUMP" Day Nod to DomWard and Tattward

Thank you Miss Marlana for introducing us to Mr. ... I mean Master DomWard (I know I know-we are so behind on the times around here). I still stand by my statement that if ANY ONE ever swatted my lady bits with a riding crop I'd be little pissed...but after reading more of this panty melting story I might let him do some "other" things to me....

And after much pear pressure and a threat from Ms J to do bodily harm to me (sounds kinky-all right all right I really have been reading too much DomWard!) I will post my birthday pictures tomorrow...maybe...possibly...ok, if I consume enough alcohol....and if you all promise to be nice...
(I have been told I needed to explain the Tattward reference, it is in the Cupcake Print on the blindfold/hand restraints. And the fanfics are Clipped Wings and Inked Armor and The Submissive/Dominant-I will try and get some links up on the side soon!)

What the Fuck-a-dee Fuck Fuck!

What is up people...I know we moved. But we went from like 60+ followers to 11. Oh we LOVE our 11! You Bitches (and possibly one Dude) ROCK! But what is going on? If you are here and haven't pressed the "Follow" button...why not do it now? It looks like this:

And for those of you already following we have (as promised) some changes ... like we said before we wanted a Twilight Blog that wasn't "just" about Twilight. So to ease everyone into it Friday's will be FanFic Friday's here at the NoList. We would like everyone to send in a link to their favorite Fanfic they have been reading-that way we will have something to do on the weekends (wink wink). Friday morning we will put up a post requesting the links and you can add yours into the comments...it's that easy! Then when we get back together on Monday you can give your lil' skittles a rest and come back and we can talk about something else. Sound like a deal?

Okay Good...Now get on over to the side bar and hit Follow for Fucks Sake!

xoxo-Ms J

Now There's Some Elves I Could Get Naughty With!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

And here is a little Solo:

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Happy Birthday Ms M!

Yesterday was Ms M's birthday...and we're celebrating it today. Sorry, Ms M, I guess I was thinking since we were doing your bday lunch today...that I should post today--sorry for the belated blog message!

Little M has really got into the Twilight spirit. On Saturday, she went to the mall to make a special purchase for her mom. She just forgot the iced tea.

Unfortunately, some other people were sad I missed Ms. M's birthday--

Ian wrote, "Damn it, Ms J, how could you forget to blog about Ms M's birthday? It's driving me to drink. Tell Ms M how much I love her."*

Kathy send me a picture message wondering how I could be such a fucking loser for forgetting to blog about Ms M birthday. *

*As always, these are just our made up shit for our personal enjoyment. No celebrities were harmed in the making of this post.

You Belong With Me Jacob!

Ms M's daughter (Little M) found this little ditty last night...we think she is secretly loving the Twilight! We thought it was too funny not to share!

The Honeymoon is Over!

Time to hate on the precious.... is it too early...nah....


Ok Here is my beef:

First of all, let me preface this by saying I have watched the damn movie more than any human should....about twice a day since the day after it came out....plus the midnight showing. How you ask...well....illegally of course! I'm not made of that kind of money-but since I do not have a j.o.b. I do have that kind of time. And actually-is it illegal if I am not the one downloading it? Hmmm...that is my defense if anybody comes knocking at my door. Anyway.... since I can now recite the fucking thing by heart I think I can honestly come here and get on my little soap box for a bit.

Yes, I know--I said I loved loved loved the thing the first time I watched it. I did! I loved it the second, third, forth and possibly fifth too. But then something happened. I felt like I was missing something (besides Bella's tears). I couldn't quite put my finger on it until recently....and I finally figured it out while reading the latest chapter of Clipped Wings---where is the fucking sex. Oh I know...I knew there wouldn't be any going into the movie...there wasn't any in the damn books. But really.... if they are going to try and sell us on the fantasy of Vampires and Werewolves couldn't they throw some reality in there? So...you are 18, your boyfriend dumps you (for all intents and purposes you think he really doesn't like you anymore and has moved on and away) and your hot half naked friend is totally into you...and you are somewhat into him too...tell me you wouldn't tap that! And by "tap" I mean you've already started air humping as you are leaping towards said friend saying things like "Fuck Me Now You Rotten Bastard"! Oh sure when Mr. Love of your Life comes back you might feel guilty about it and drop your friend faster than Tiger's wife dropped a nine iron next to his head... but while Mr. Love is away...You'd surely play! And by play I mean dirty rotten sweaty sex!!

WELCOME TO THE NEW SITE!

We have officially moved on...not because we don't love Twilight, but because we love a lot of things--AND because Ms M's lovely daughter found our other blog. Little M finding our perverted little blog was sort of a blessing in disguise because we had been discussing either doing something different with the old blog for a while or just completely shutting it down. Her finding us just gave us the little boost we needed to get our lazy asses in gear and figure out what we wanted to do. What we decided was we couldn't just go away - we are like the gift that keeps on giving! We really needed an outlet for our craziness otherwise our dh's would have us committed AND we love being part of this community of women so completely batshit crazy that we feel somewhat normal when we log on everyday (wink wink). So here we are-and YES for those wondering we have taken extra precautions so that the little shithead will not find us again. Ms M will not be saving our site under her "favorites" on her laptop and we took off a few of the posts that we knew she was looking at. We also changed our contact information on here. We can still be reached at our old email-but we have new ones that are linked to this site only.



What changes can you expect? Well-We Still LOVE Twilight so not much will change in that aspect. But we didn't want to limit ourselves to just Twilight related posts. We are really into pop-culture....no we aren't in line to be the next Perez Hilton's....but if we hear something that makes us laugh...we might share. We love us some Ian Somerhalder...so if we find a naked picture of him with a healthy looking wang....we might share that too. We also have discovered that we really are horny perverts after all and we devourer fan fic like chocolate cake at a weight watchers convention....so we will be discussing that too--and perhaps sharing some of our own.

Happy HUMP Day!

This "Happy HUMP Day" comes to us from Rachel Z from My Life with a Twilight Obsession: HOLY SHIT We need to get us some of these bendie dolls!

My only question is: Where is Edwards Pecker?

Edward Brought a SNACK!

B is returning the favor!

We might need you to share that ciggie with us after that!!

Summit Strategy

Spoiler Alert...kinda

Ms M and I were talking this evening about our thoughts on a strategic plan from Summit of releasing clips from New Moon. My theory is that they released the most controversial scenes to ease us into the certain differences. Scenes that were not like the book and scenes that were better in the book than the acting on screen.

Example 1: Bella and Edward's break up scene

KStew blew donkey balls on this part. Where were the tears? The tears we all shed when we read the fucking book? I think we all probably felt this way when the clip was released or at least Ms M and I did. That is one reason we posted about voicing our opinion no matter what after we watched it. We thought "Oh fuck, I bought midnite tickets and she isn't even going to act?" WTF?

Example 2: The werewolf coming out party

Totally different than the book...when I read that part of the leaked script, I stopped reading. I just couldn't take anymore of the differences from the book...

Example 3: The fight at the Volturi

Again, totally different than the book. No one was hurt! No fighting- Granted, it made the movie better, so we forgive Chris Weitz and Melissa Rosenburg.

Example 4: Bella on the motorcycle while with Jessica

Again, completely different than the book-but they showed us this early, so that by opening night, we expected Bella to ride a bike way earlier than she did in the book.

So on opening night, we sat waiting for shitty movie...nothing like the book...but before our eyes, the movie rocked...almost rocked our panties off...especially Taycob's shirtless scenes (damn, is that the doorbell?...no I don't want Iced Tea, Chris Hansen) Also, other than the break up scene, KStew kicked ass. (no, you didn't click off the Twisessed site, I said it). She read the books and really made me feel like she loved Jacob more -but didn't know it. No random blinking, no excessive lip biting, etc. We loved the movie! Honestly, we were shocked...sure Jasper looked like a duck a little bit (aflac)...but we couldn't wait to see it again and again...and again...you get the point!

However, this wasn't the case for my friend, Ms T, who did not watch clips or read the leaked script. She was thoroughly disappointed in the break up scene and did not like the acting. I think that the fact she was not prepared for this one shitty part of New Moon, ruined the whole movie for her.

So now we have to ask ourselves a question, will we wait and not preview any Eclipse clips?

Happy Thanksgiving from...Rob?

I hope you are thinking of me while you are stuffing that turkey... I hope you are thinking of how I would like to bend you over that table and stuff you full of my meat rod!

and I hope you are still thinking of me while you watch that parade...

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Our Grand Epiphany

So Ms J, Ms S and myself have been talking about how very inappropriate it is for us to all be drooling over Taylor. Ms J won't even answer the door for fear someone will be there with a jug of iced tea and some handcuffs. That was until this morning when Ms S had the most grand of epiphanies.... "In dog years he is just fine"... that's right ladies! Fear not! Whip out your drool cloths with pride! In dog years Jacob, er I mean Taylor is legal. Hell, I think he might be older than Edward/Robert.

By the way-we are almost done setting up our new blog-since "someone's" teenage daughter found this one. If you want to continue following us-make sure you are following us on Facebook and/or Twitter. We will be announcing our new site there.

So, Were Our Panties Rocked Off? (Spoiler Free)

That would be a big fat Hell to the YES! Were there things that made us cringe...well we are who we are, so that would be a yes too! Jasper's wig...ugh! A certain main character not crying at a very pivotal part of the movie-double ugh! Alice's vision scene...I'm not sure if it was suppose to be funny-but it was so cheesy the entire theater broke out in hysterics! But other than that we were pleasantly blown away. We loved the humor! We were really afraid that it would be 2 1/2 hours of gloom-and it wasn't. We even came away with a new love for Jacob. Yeah-you read that right...we loved Jacob. Of course we read the books and knew of his love for Bella, but to see it played out on the big screen-it was so touching. We even give a big standing O to Taylor. He did a fanfuckingtastic job of portraying Jake.

Our experience at the theater was even tolerable. Of course there was squeeling-but it seemed to die down after the movie got started. All except the 50 year old cougar sitting a few seats down from us---she kept yelling things like "Take your shirt off Jacob, I didn't pay twenty dollars for this ticket to see you with your shirt on".... In all honesty we kept wishing the To Catch a Predator dude would come walking through the door and take her away.... the coincidental part was she was chugging on a big iced tea!

All in all- would we recommend this movie to a friend? Without a doubt! Will we be going back to see it again? Oh YEAH! More than once!

By the way are we the only ones who noticed RPattz's weird nipple? We are... ok.. Never mind then.

Hump Day on Sunday? With Power Panties?

Mini B and Mini E left us to go on a little vacation. Guess where they fucking ended up at? La Perla

We have decided that they must have been reading "The Office" too. Mini B went in to get her new pair of power panties. Then Mini E joined her to reinact the scene in the dressing room. But that wasn't enough for this little humpy couple. They had to do it outside and take pictures to send back to us!

She must have picked up the garter

I hope you are all having a humptastic weekend! Only 4 days 13 hours 16 minutes until New Moon! But who's counting!

It's HUMP Day! And We've Got Robsten.. and RobCob

So these pictures made their way all around the TwiUniverse last night. There was probably a lot of squeeing and cursing **depending on how delusional the peeps making the noises were. The sqeee'ers were happy that their precious Robsten rumors was true and some were just happy that Rob was happy. The cursers were most likely the same people that chased poor Rob down the street thinking they would actually have a chance in hell with him.

If you were wondering what group we fell in...well-neither to tell you the truth. We really could care less who or what he is screwing. And to be totally honest we are in the silent minority that was just pleasantly surprised that this wasn't the scenario:

Thank you Miss FireCrotch for this lovely Submission!

Ms. J's repsonse: It's comments like these that must keep us from having 700 followers- LOL!

OTT (Off Topic Tuesday) Turning Our Panties Into a HOT MESS!

Ok, so Tuesdays around here are officially going to be OFF TOPIC TUESDAY'S. We had more traffic than ever last week with our Naughty Video of Mr. Somerhalder-so we decided we would keep with the theme... This week he is our little "Hot Mess"...Yowza!

Please tell me you all are watching him on Vampire Diaries! And did you hear-he is coming back as Boone on Lost. Now I will be the first to admit (ok probably not the first-but I will admit) "Lost" -Lost me! I watched it for a little bit and it got to be too weird so I quit....but believe you me...I will be watching again now! Can you imagine..Ian half dressed wondering around on a sandy beach....Damn! I really do need to reconsider my no foreign object rule!!

We Laughed, We Pee'd, Now We Recommend YOU Do the Same

So this morning I log onto the TwiDom and what do I find? Oh only this Hilarity from the ladies at TwiSoup: Dirty Suess-TwiSoup Takes On The Cat in the Hat! If you haven't read this yet...do it...NOW! Holy Fucking Shit Balls Hanging off the Cross I laughed so hard I freakin' pee'd my pants! I literally had to change my panties this morning because I flipping pissed in my pants like an 80 year old woman.
"The Beautiful 'B' and Me" based on "The Office"Ripped off from Dr. Seuss: The Cat in the Hat

There is a little warning at the beginning that reads:

* WARNING *
This post is full of graphic sexual situations...if you are not 18+ or you are a prude who is easily offended by some good hard fucking...then please stop reading now.

But REAAALLLLYYY!!!!! --- If you are HERE on THIS site reading our bullshit I think you can handle it!

So what are you waiting for? Get your asses over there NOW! LOL!

Our Honesty Pledge

So, New Moon is coming soon (SQEEEEE) and we are super excited! Ms J and I were talking last night and what started out with innocent squeee'ing turned into a deep fucking conversation about the "what if's"..."what if New Moon blows", "what if we start yelling obscenities in the theater" and "What IF...What if WE think it blows huge ass green donkey shits and everyone else is too blinded by the Pattinson Sparkle to see it". What if we come to our little TwiBloggie land on Friday morning and everyone else is talking about how wonderful it was and we thought it stunk....holy shit! What would we do. Well, I am here to tell you now what we would do....we would tell you all...it BLEW! And we would site all the reasons why we thought it blew. Now, we aren't generally "The glass is half empty kind of girls" and we are trying to stay positive about the situation. I would love nothing more than to be able to come here Friday and honestly tell you all the movie rocked our panties off and we are planning our 4th trip back that evening....but I still have strong memories of "Twilight" in my mind. And let me tell you..."Twilight" sucked. The acting sucked, the screenplay sucked, the special effects sucked.....I don't think I need to continue.

So in talking last night we have become fully aware that if our beloved movie does indeed suck the big one...we most likely will be alienating ourselves from the TwiLand because we have vowed to be honest and try to look past the sparkles and muscles next Thursday at Midnight-but so be it. We love you all too much not to give you our opinion! LOL!

We are planning on bringing extra undergarmets to the movie---in hopes that it does indeed "Rock our Panties off" though!

Happy HUMP Day From Team Switzerland!

It's HUMP Day!! You know what that means! Here is one of the hilarious entries we received from the ladies over at Apples and Feathers: It is the ultimate definition of "Team Switzerland"!

Thanks for the laugh ladies!!!

My Naughty Naughty Boy!

So I am beginning to wonder, am I just obsessed will all things Vampire-or is it the whole immortality thing that appeals to me. Perhaps it is being good looking and immortal because being a zombie doesn't appeal to me. But really-I dread the day that I wake up with a head full of gray hair and wrinkles that can't be hidden with dye and make up. I don't want to grow old-I don't want to die just yet either-but you get where I am going with this don't you? I have to wonder if that is what holds some of the appeal of all things "Vampire". What ever the reason it may be why I am obsessed! I am obsessed with all things Twilight of course (the books and the fanfic...oh the fanfic)...but I love me some True Blood and now I love me some Vampire Diaries. I know, I know--I gave it a so-so review a few months ago when I read the books...I still stand by my review, but the TV show has grown on me. At first I thought the show blew nuggets! The first couple episodes were stupid to say the least...but I know from experience I usually don't fall in love with something from the pilot. So I kept DVRing them and watching and now I am hooked...why you ask? (Well, perhaps you aren't asking, but I will tell you anyway) it is because of this little piece of meat they cast as Damon the "naughty brother"

Oh Yes, You are most definitely my "Naughty Boy"!

and you want to know the best part? This Hot as Hell gift from Sweet Baby Jesus himself is our fucking age? The creepy factor is no where to be found as I sit fantasying about this man. All the naughty things I would like to do to him are no longer inappropriate.

Ms J and I sat for hours the other night watching and rewatching this clip. At first we thought we couldn't post it on the blog because it technically isn't "Twilight" related...but then we thought-Fuck That! This is Our blog and we will post what we want--and really it would be a crime not to share. So I hope you all don't mind a little Non-Twilight post for your Tuesday! Stay tuned tomorrow because we will be posting some of your entries for HUMP day!

The Screwing Mini's Entries!

The entries are pouring in now for the Free Tshirt Giveaway...and to say we are blown away would be an understatement! We have laughed! We have cried! We have cried laughing!!
In saying that I suppose we need to put a time limit on things so you guys know when we will be picking the winner (which is going to be hard as fucking hell!).

So MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2ND (It is the Day of the Dead in Mexico...so we found it fitting) will be the day we will announce the winner. We would also like to post some of your hilarious entries in a follow up post, so if anyone has an issue with us using their entry here on the blog LET US KNOW by Monday as well, otherwise your pictures are fair game!

It's Hump Day! And the Mini's Got Kicked Out of the Dildo Shop!

It's Wednesday lovely bitches! Happy HUMP day! Mini Edward and Mini Bella got their engines roaring in the Porn Shop! They humped on the big rubber wieners, they humped on the special blowie lotions, they humped on the clothing....HEY! Speaking of Clothing-Doesn't anyone want a Mother Fucking Free T-Shirt? We put out the call last week for you all to enter our little ol' contest for a Free CafePress T-Shirt and not one person has entered. What The Fuck!!??!! I know the pervie things some of you all think up...are you saying none of you ladies want a FREE Shirt? All you have to do is send us a picture of your mini's doing naughty things to each other...or perhaps you doing a naughty thing to your mini.... and we will even expand for those of you without mini's...MARLANA I am speaking to you!.... Write us a story of what you would do with/or to your mini's.... The most Creative Wins a Free Fucking Shirt!!! FREE FUCKING SHIRT I SAID! You even get to pick the Mother Fucker out! Ok...where was I --oh yeah...Our Mini E and Mini B were having a grand humping time in the Porn Shop...

Mini B thought the Sparkly Pecker was pretty and reminded her of Mini E!

We literally gasped at the size of this Mother Fucking Rubber Banger! Seriously Folks! If you can use this thing...I think you might have some problems! I am pretty sure Ms J and myself would need a full on epidural and some stitches when it was over. We especially liked that it needed a remote control-because if you inserted this thing into your lady bits you probably would have injured yourself and would be in too much pain to move... But the sight of it only turned our Mini's on...

I am certain this picture does NOT do it justice... I swear this dick was bigger than my arm!

This yummy creation made Ms J and Me think of what Bella would have turned into if Edward never did change her....someone should have gotten him one of these when he was so dead set against doing it:

Three Fucking Love Holes and She Cums With Her Own False Teeth.....Sexy!

So anyway Mini E and Mini B were having a grand time in the sex shop! Sucking, Fucking and Humping away when we heard a horrible screech! It sounded like this: "LAAADDDIIIEEEESS!!!" "You may NOT take pictures in here, and what are you doing with those plastic dolls? Did you buy those? What box did you take those out of?" Ms J and Myself were like "Um, sorry-we were not aware we couldn't take pictures, we won't do it anymore. And these are our dolls"...As stupid as we sounded she must have believed we didn't steal our own mini's so she didn't try to confiscate them. But then she did tell us "You and your dolls will need to leave my store now". Wow! That was a first...We just got kicked out of a dildo shop! LOL!

Please Welcome our Guest Blogger Ms S

You might remember Ms S as "SS" my "douche troff" friend (Sorry I called you a Douche Troff...you can thank the Creative Cursing Book, that is what it landed on...I swear) who gave us her entertaining review of Twilight a few months ago: Twilight Review by SS . Well, Ms S has decided that she needed to get something off her TwiChest and we graciously gave her access to the blog so she could have her way with us.... So please give a warm TwiSessed welcome to our good friend Ms S:

I have to say that I love the Twilight books. You can thank Ms. M for that. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. If you have followed Ms. M very long, you would have heard about me in one of her blogs. I am the one that is in her late 30's, professional and Ms. M made me read the books. I called and told her I hated her for it but secretly was glad she made me. I LOVE THEM. My poor husband didn't even get a second glance for a month until I had read them all. With that being said, I do have one beef with the books. I hate the end of Breaking Dawn. You spend a whole fucking book leading up to this big fight with the Volturi only to have it last for two chapters and is nothing more than a chat in the forest. Then after their "chat" the book says "yawn, I'm tired. Me too. Lets go home." and ENDS. WTF. Uh hello.... Isn't there something more???? Tell me what they are doing a month later. Tell me if they go to college. Tell me SOMETHING. I really hated how the whole thing ended and can truly say that the ending of the whole series really blew monkey balls. Seriously, every book before left me hanging for more. I'm all snug in bed, I'm thinking to myself, "yea!!! I'm going to finish it tonight." As good as the books are, I just KNEW the ending would be something that would have to be the end all. They broke more headboards screwing, the baby grew up, something!!!! But no, I read the last of it and thought to myself, "well the sucky ass screen writer is going to have to take some kind of liberty with this!!!" It would be the one and only time I would allow anything to be changed from the books. Well except for the honeymoon scene. Maybe the movie will actually allow us to see them screwing and not just wake up to the broken headboard. Would Robert Pattinson's bare ass pumping and grinding be considered PG-13? Oh Fuck it! Give me R all the way! Who needs any of those preteen pieces of shit in the theater anyway?! It is our money that is padding Summits pockets! We are the ones giving our preteen bitches the money to go see the movie anyway. Hell-I'd even go to one of those sleazy porn theaters if I was guaranteed to see some Rpattz "action"...who's with me ladies? Did I hear someone say Full body condoms and Margaritas!!

The Twitarded Meme...

Thanks to the Ladies over at WeBitePrettyHard and TwiSoup we were tagged in the Twitarded Meme....What the FUCK is a Meme you say? Well, that is what we said too!

Here it is:
"Let's do a Meme! So here's the deal: STY and I came up with a couple of questions for all you bloggers. If you're tagged, answer the questions and tag four other blogs. Don't forget to link back to the blog that tagged you! Let's see how many blogs we can get to participate and hopefully at the end of all this we'll know a lot more about each other. Believe it or not, we even made the questions 99% other-blog friendly! I don't think I said vagina or cock gobbling in a single question!On your mark, get set, GO!!"

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)?

2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)**

3) What is your favorite band/type of music?

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.

7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. ************************************************************************************** OK--so here is Ms M's Answers:

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)? I guess I would have to go with the time Me and 80's Queen stayed at the Murderer hotel in Columbia Missouri after a Matchbox Twenty concert...back when Rob Thomas was angry (and hot). There was a pool of blood all over my mattress and splattered up the wall....

2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)** Alright, I will Fuck Emmett (Like you would have to twist my arm), then I will marry Edward so I could Fuck him every single moment after that, and I am so killing that epileptic bitch Bella.

3) What is your favorite band/type of music? I can hear Ms J cringe at my answers from across town! LOL! Here goes the embarrassment! I love My Chemical Romance! If only Gerard Way was on that Fuck list up above! I also like Kings of Leon (their newest CD sounds like sex), I like me some Boys like Girls, and sprinkle in some Framing Hanley (I'd so do that little Nixon dude from that band too) shit...I think I am a 16 year old trapped in this old body!

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight? I love Sixteen Candles---JAAAKKKEEE! I love Happy Gilmore, Ace Ventura (back when Jim Carrey was funny) and American Pie too. And every Halloween I have to watch the Exorcist...FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME!

5) Do your RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger? Yes, I don't know how some of you guys can hide your addiction! We kept the blog hidden for a while...my dh just found out we have one-but he will NEVER actually get to see it!

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc. Oh Geesh....this is like a full time job-with overtime. I would say 60+ hours a week.

7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. Up until recently I had never read porn....and so my husband was a little perplexed when I told him to "Rip my Fucking Panties Off!"
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OK MS J IS'S YOUR TURN!

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)? Posing FSE next to a Volvo in KC while trying to smuggle him into a concert.

2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)** I'm going to Fuck Edward-I'd like to break some headboards. I'm going to marry Carlisle-I've always wanted to marry a Dr. and I would Kill Victoria.

3) What is your favorite band/type of music? I like everything except for country. And don't tell Ms M, but I love her music too.

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight? Sleepless in Seattle (yeah-I'm old)

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger? Some of my friends do, my family knows I'm in love with Twilight, but they don't know the extent. And they would die if they knew about this blog.

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc. at least 30, it used to be more but my job won't let me access it anymore...something about questionable content. LOL!

7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. I used to work at Disney World, can you imagine my potty mouth today working there. HA HA!
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OK, Here are the Four Blogs we are Tagging: ApplesNFeathers , Twilight Sagapalooza and Undercover Twilighter and ok..we only did three. It seems as though everyone else we know has already been tagged...and for all we know-these ladies were probably already tagged too and just haven't put up their posts....

Spoiler Free From Now On!

Yes, we caved! We watched that damn 4 min long clip of the Break Up that was circulating the TwiNet....and we wish we didn't! Ms J is ready to sell our tickets back to the theater and just skip the movie. It feels like we have seen the entire fucking thing now. Yes I know--we already know what is "suppose" to happen...we have read the books, so we shouldn't feel like it has all been spoiled for us now-but we do. And after seeing all the stupid released (legal and maybe not so legal) footage it looks as though it IS that God awful leaked script/screenplay we read a few months ago. And let me just tell you all--That makes us very mad! I don't understand---the script/screenplay is already written (the MFin' Book!), why change things? I guess we have already expressed our feelings on that subject, so we won't go there again.

We found this picture on Edward to My Bella...it fits so perfect! I hope you don't mind..

So anyway, we are now going Spoiler Free! As much as this will probably kill us we are not going to view any more spoilers/pictures/scripts/clips/you get the idea. We want Eclipse to be what Twilight was--all new. Yes, I am sure since they are keeping the same screenwriter we will probably be just as angry with Eclipse as we were Twilight, and it looks like New Moon...but at least we won't have to go on for months before hand stewing about it. When are they releasing Eclipse...June? I think we can make it that long? I think....

I believe we will just have to dive headfirst into a bunch of FanFic! The lemony kind! When is The Office going to be updated! GAHH!

Sucked into the Vortex Known as FanFic and More Contest Information

Yes, It is Thursday...and Wednesday came (tee-hee) and went without a Hump Day Picture post....What the Fucking Hell you ask? Well, Mini E and Mini B were definitely humping! But where was the Camera Girl? Um, she was reading FanFic and didn't stop til the story was over. I sat in the same chair so long my fucking ass fell asleep. I think I need to invest in a new chair...or bring the laptop to the couch-but I have a feeling that would only fuel the FanFic reading fire and I will end up gaining 600 pounds and start yelling things like "Bring mama a block of cheese and a pound of bacon I need a snack"....

Ok, I will eat this bag of Cheetos while you get my platter of cheese and bacon...don't bother yourself with cooking that bacon mama likes it raw!

So the FanFic that had me sealed off from the rest of the world yesterday was The Dark Side of the Moon by blondie AKA robin

I realize we are probably behind the times (as usual) and most of you have already read this, but if you haven't...DO IT! Especially before seeing New Moon in less than 28 days (SQUEEEE!). The Dark Side of the Moon is New Moon written as Edwards Point of View (In the Midnight Sun Style). It doesn't have any lemons-but it is GOOD! Good enough to give your poor little clitoris' a well needed break for the day!

On the Contest Front: We realize not everyone has a Mini E AND and Mini B....so you are welcome to just send in a photo of one or the other as well.... and if you have a Full Size Edward...feel free to use him too. The most creative will win! All photos need to be sent to Twisessed@ymail.com and then make sure you leave a comment with the shirt you would like to win. Good luck!

Free Twilight Shirt from CafePress!

Want a free Shirt? Who doesn't! Here are the details we received:

For the Twilight T-shirt giveaway – Write a post letting your readers know about the Twilight giveaway. Have your readers comment on the post with a link to their favorite Twilight t-shirt from CafePress. You select the winner of the free t-shirt and send me the winner information – we take care of the rest.

Sounds easy enough right....NOT SO FAST! I didn't read anywhere in there that we couldn't add a little TwiSessed Twist! So yes, you must do what they want....but you will need to do something for us too (since we are the ones who will be selecting the winner)... so here is your task: Should you decide to do it:

Send US a picture of your Mini E's and Mini B's doing naughty things....the most creative Wins! Oh and don't forget to post a comment with the link to your favorite t-shirt....

Hurry!!

Here is a link to the free t-shirts: http://shop.cafepress.co.uk/twilight?src=NMFB

Gettin' Our Period Panties in a Twist

You know I think I am beginning to see why we don't have very many followers/friends/commenters (you get my drift)...I don't think we conform well here. We don't automatically fall in love with everything just because they put the Twilight Brand on it. YES-We LOVE the books! The books mean everything to us. But the movie blows, the first soundtrack kinda blows, K-Stew's Acting Blows, we weren't in LOVE with Jacob after Twilight....I will give him credit he is growing on us. He worked his ASS off to keep his role, but would we have been disappointed if they found a 25 year old hottie to take his place last spring....no...do we need to start building a secret room in our house to hide from Chris Hansen and his jug of iced tea now...YES!

But will we change...that answer is NO. We can't. We can't pretend to love everything there is about what they are doing to our precious books. I suppose if that means we won't gain any friends in bloggy land...so be it. We never ever mean to offend anyone-but I think sometimes that happens to BE the case. If we say something here that pisses you off...we can take it-we are big girls with pretty thick skin. I figure if we can dish the shit-we better be able to take it.

By the way: I told you I would cave...I got my NM Soundtrack today! LOL! And FSE is going to his first Dildo party tonight....good times-good times!

The Haunted Airman Hump Day

Mini-B is inspired by the movie and gives mini-E a back massage...but you know what that can lead too...

A Mouth Full of Cream!

Being called a "pube booger" has motivated me to write a post-- LOL!

Spoiler Alert! If you don't want to know what happens, then stop reading now. (Note from Ms M: Seriously You know what happens? I sat there for an hour and a half and I still don't know what the fuck happened!)

So last night Ms M and I had a random night off from the DHs and it happened to be on the night when The Haunted Airman hit the Redbox. Oh, where do I begin? First let me give you instructions for watching this DVD. Turn on the subtitles from the beginning. Ms M and I started without the subtitles, bad choice. We didn't know what was really going on. So we stop and turn the subtitles on and watched the beginning again. (Note from Ms M: Left, Right, Left, Left, right there, yeah right there, steady steady....sounds kinky: it's NOT)


We have to admit that we were wishing this was a video of the 'the office.' Some nice panty ripping moments would have made this movie so so so much better.


After turning on the subtitles, we understood what was happening, only problem was there isn't much happening. The movie was definitely made for TV, right? We aren't sure why RPattz's character, Toby, is at this mental institute for military men. He is injured sitting in a wheelchair and he smokes. Apparently, he is in love with his Aunt. Before you say What the Fuck-- It is not incest, (well not technically) it is his aunt only by marriage. So here is the whole story of the entire movie--- Toby is having issues seeing spiders and things in the shadows. His therapist at the mental hospital is doing Toby's aunt, Toby kills Aunt, movie ends.


There were parts of the movie where you see Rob use some of his same looks from Twilight. Ms M and I would have to quote Twilight while watching. "I don't have strength to stay away from you"


Another funny part... "I dropped bombs and felt instant relief." says RPattz. (Note from Ms M: I nearly fell off the couch! I am waiting for someone to put this on youtube with some farting sounds!)


He also describes how he realized that he was killing innocent people when 'dropping bombs' and leads him into a monologue reminiscent of... my family and I are not like the others. We hunt animals. We are vegetarians. Ms M and I both said this out loud when this scene was playing.


I wouldn't recommend purchasing it...unless RPattz smoking in a wheelchair gets you going... save your money for watching New Moon multiple times on the big screen. (Another note from Ms M: I agree! And the bathtub scene wasn't all that wonderful either. I am SORRY ladies! We love us some RPattz...but I couldn't help but think of Tom Hanks in Philadelphia...perhaps it was the lighting...but whatever it was...it was not attractive). OK MS M, you want to back off and let me write this motherfucker? Quit hijacking the blog ya Ass Diddler, I think you have some control issues you need to work through! HA HA!

Happy HUMP Day With The Whipped Cream Bikini!

Yep! It is Wednesday-you know what that means! HUMP-O-RAMA time! Thank you to Firecrotch (from WeBitePrettyHard) for giving Mini B this fabulous idea...Mini E was NOT disappointed! "Holy Shit Mini B these fucking non-bendy pants don't have any flexibility when it comes to accommodating my huge plastic boner!"

"I think I will start down here, if that is ok with you?"

Almost Naked RPattz

I stumbled across...okay...I searched for a Google app for my iGoogle page that had to do with Robert Pattinson. So I found 3 apps I liked...one was your basic Rob picture of the day, the second was a Twilight gossip link from Access Hollywood, and the third was... an almost naked Robert Pattinson, ready for you to dress. I ask, why would you want to dress him- LOL!

Time for me to re-read The Office-

Here is the link to the game:

http://www.freeonlinegames.com/fun-games/twilight-robert-pattinson-makeover.html

Should I Be Blogging While I'm Loaded Up on Meds...Probably Not.

But here goes anyway-Nothing has ever stopped me in the past.

I was reading some blogs today in my drunken cold medicated haze and one stood out to me by TwiSoup (I love the name by the way "It's so meaty"..LOL) and they had a very good point. After reading FanFic and meeting Edward the mean, cursing, horny bastard--it makes Edward in the book look like a real pussy. When we re-read the books don't we all secretly wish Edward would just flip Bella over in that meadow and ram his hot meat stick in her ass? I mean he could have at least grabbed a tit or two. And really....where was it that I saw the spoof about Bella offering Edward a little taste of the yonder regions while she was flowing..... Not that I wanted to read about Bella's menstrual cycle (she was whiny enough without throwing PMS into the picture)...but I could have gotten into a little clit sucking.

Yes Twisoup ladies...I think we are addicted to Naughty Edward too!!!

What was that Mr Cullen? You want to suck my tits and then ram your throbbing cock into my wet pussy... OK.

Ok-I am off to bed...this medication is really kicking in! This better not be the fucking swine flu!

Happy HUMP Day!

As many of you know here at Twisessed "Hump Day" means one thing...HUMPING! Our horny little dolls can't seem to get enough of each other. Humping in our food, Humping in our trees, Humping in backseats while we go for test drives, Humping in Granny Panties, Humping on the condom boxes at the store, Humping while hanging from the ceiling fan in Ms M's house, Hell-they humped for 3 hours straight on our trip to see Kathy Griffin. But is seems lately we have run into a dilemma--where the fuck is there left to HUMP? Oh now, don't get me wrong...they WANT to HUMP! They just can't come up with new places to do it. Ms J thought about letting them hump on her desk at the school she teaches at...only problem is: it is in a Church...YEAH YEAH YEAH-I know, we are probably already in the express lane to Hell, but just in case God has a sense of humor...I don't really want to do anything to really piss him off.

So here is this weeks "Hump Day" Picture...Mini E and Mini B got busy in front of the little fireplace...I know BORING! But until they can think of something good this is all ya get....HAPPY HUMP DAY!

I. Can't. Take. It. Anymore!

So how many days are there until New Moon? 51... Fifty Fucking One?!? I don't think I am going to make it! And to make matters worse I am seeing little bits and pieces being leaked from Eclipse...Holy Fuck Balls People! As it stands that is 2 movies away--I can't take it! The stress is killing me. I don't even want to drive my car anymore for fear that I will get in a head on collision and die before I get to see these flippin' movies. The only thing I could hope for is a horrible concussion that leads to amnesia so I could just start all over with them. But knowing my crappy luck-I would end up like those rejects that just "don't get it" and I wouldn't like it...or GASP!...I would end up a Team Jacober...Yikes!

Ms J did talk me into going to the midnight showing with her. We got our tickets last week. I think that is what is making this waiting thing worse...now I have the actual tickets. We are sitting in the balcony at our favorite theater...(reserved seating-no one under 21 admitted)...so maybe I won't have to punch some rectum stain in the face (let's hope).

Now if only time would pass more quickly... and if Christina would put out the new chapter of The Office! LOL!

Sexual Machinery...Hmmmm. Perhaps.

So in all honesty both Ms J and I are F.O. (Foreign Object) Virgins. We have never used a piece of sexual machinery in any sort of way. And I am not sure either of us has never even touched one. Oh sure-we have seen them. I even had the honor of witnessing one of those devises in action at a party once. It looked like it was going to take flight and fly across the room. That was after a game of "fling the ding" which I was the first to be eliminated because I didn't want to catch the 3 foot long 2 headed penis between my legs. Not that I am a total prude-I just wasn't sure where that thing had been before it made it's way to the party. The skank that was "hosting" this said party was just too enthusiastic about what this puppy could do to the "who".

I remember sitting there in total shock at these pink and purple twirling wieners and mortified that my 50 plus year old Co-Worker (who is older than my own mother) was rubbing them and saying things like "oooh this one feels Niiiiiccceeee"...EWWW! Then being equally mortified when all the girls lined up for the bathroom to go rub some "special" cream on their twats to get their juices flowing. I guess that is when I made the conscious decision that I would never be one of those women.

I also didn't understand their level of "hornyness". At the time I could have lived the entire rest of my life and never had sex again (and been happy). So I didn't get why these women would "want" to get off with rubber battery operated gadgets. My wish was just a full nights sleep without my husband ramming his pecker into my back in the middle of the night, or waking up to him squeezing my tits. How could he be horny ALL the time? Didn't I just fuck him last month??

So now lets fast forward a few years....We will call them the Post Twilight Years.

Now I get it! errr-maybe that is the wrong phrase. Now I "want" it! I have been reading some TwiPorn and let's just say, the juices are a-flowin' and now the husband won't put out. I don't know if I missed his "prime"...he is older than me. Maybe I am hitting mine and he ended his-I don't know. But I need some satisfaction! How can you read The Office and then just go to bed and go to sleep? HA! Just like Ms J stated the other day...YOU CAN'T! I now find myself fantasizing about that damn "helicopter pecker" and all it's magical wonder and I think I need to get one. Or two...I think I just thought of Ms J's Christmas present this year.

Me: "Merry Christmas Ms J!"
Ms J: "What the Fuck is this?"
Me: "It's the HeliWiener, for when your dh won't put out and you just read The Office for the 10th time"
Ms J: "Oh My God! Just what I have always wanted! How did you know"
Me: "That's what Best Friends are for"

So I am thinking, perhaps I should reconsider my No F.O. Rule.... Now if I only knew where to find that Dildo Queen from the party......

I've got Twi-Porn Blue Balls

What happens when you've been reading some good twi-porn and your honey won't put out?
OMG, this happened to me. And I think it has happened to Ms M too. So last night, I spend several hours reading "the Office". I think I need to get some satisfaction for myself, so I go try to coearse my honey to put out. He claims he is tired. Doesn't he understand I was just reading about Ms Swan and Mr Cullen 69ing it on a couch? I need to get some! So if I was a guy, I would have a serious case of blue balls! Of course maybe I shouldn't be typing this right now! I just consumed three margaritas!

A Million Facebook Flairs Can't be WRONG! So How Did They Fuck This Up?

Yes! I am well aware we are late with this. I guess we have been in some sort of Alternate Silver Volvo Galaxy Denial, but WHAT THE FUCK?! Why isn't the Volvo Silver? I mean, if the author of a book makes a point to go on and on and on and on about something...wouldn't you stay true to THAT?! and ESPECIALLY...especially! If you are on the second part of a series and the first one had used a fucking Shiny Silver Volvo. Hell, I am surprised they didn't decide to make Edward tan and pillowy soft...oh wait! Don't tell me! Now don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have been opposed to a different model of Volvo. Stephenie Meyer never did get specific with that part. I wouldn't care if were the "Grandpa Jones" model. I really wouldn't care if each movie used a different model-The thing is: It just needed to be a Silver Fucking Volvo (how hard is that?). Now-what are we suppose to do with all of our Facebook Flair? Mark out the Silver?

And while I am on my soap box...if they were going to fuck up the color---why not just fuck it up completely? I mean, if you are going to veer away from the "Silver Volvo"...why not go for a black Porsche, or a Aston Martin Vanquish...

Can you imagine how incredibly H.O.T. RPattz would look stepping out of one of these fuckers?