Sexual Machinery...Hmmmm. Perhaps.

So in all honesty both Ms J and I are F.O. (Foreign Object) Virgins. We have never used a piece of sexual machinery in any sort of way. And I am not sure either of us has never even touched one. Oh sure-we have seen them. I even had the honor of witnessing one of those devises in action at a party once. It looked like it was going to take flight and fly across the room. That was after a game of "fling the ding" which I was the first to be eliminated because I didn't want to catch the 3 foot long 2 headed penis between my legs. Not that I am a total prude-I just wasn't sure where that thing had been before it made it's way to the party. The skank that was "hosting" this said party was just too enthusiastic about what this puppy could do to the "who".

I remember sitting there in total shock at these pink and purple twirling wieners and mortified that my 50 plus year old Co-Worker (who is older than my own mother) was rubbing them and saying things like "oooh this one feels Niiiiiccceeee"...EWWW! Then being equally mortified when all the girls lined up for the bathroom to go rub some "special" cream on their twats to get their juices flowing. I guess that is when I made the conscious decision that I would never be one of those women.

I also didn't understand their level of "hornyness". At the time I could have lived the entire rest of my life and never had sex again (and been happy). So I didn't get why these women would "want" to get off with rubber battery operated gadgets. My wish was just a full nights sleep without my husband ramming his pecker into my back in the middle of the night, or waking up to him squeezing my tits. How could he be horny ALL the time? Didn't I just fuck him last month??

So now lets fast forward a few years....We will call them the Post Twilight Years.

Now I get it! errr-maybe that is the wrong phrase. Now I "want" it! I have been reading some TwiPorn and let's just say, the juices are a-flowin' and now the husband won't put out. I don't know if I missed his "prime"...he is older than me. Maybe I am hitting mine and he ended his-I don't know. But I need some satisfaction! How can you read The Office and then just go to bed and go to sleep? HA! Just like Ms J stated the other day...YOU CAN'T! I now find myself fantasizing about that damn "helicopter pecker" and all it's magical wonder and I think I need to get one. Or two...I think I just thought of Ms J's Christmas present this year.

Me: "Merry Christmas Ms J!"
Ms J: "What the Fuck is this?"
Me: "It's the HeliWiener, for when your dh won't put out and you just read The Office for the 10th time"
Ms J: "Oh My God! Just what I have always wanted! How did you know"
Me: "That's what Best Friends are for"

So I am thinking, perhaps I should reconsider my No F.O. Rule.... Now if I only knew where to find that Dildo Queen from the party......