It's HUMP Day! And I Should Have Been a Doctor!

So it's HUMP day!!! Happy HUMPING!! I know we haven't posted any pictures of the "Humping" Mini's lately...we need to get on that! I promise we will get our horny dolls out soon-they have been feeling very neglected lately. Someone dared us to take them to the grocery store a while back, and really-did they think we wouldn't do it? We really have no shame! I mean you are talking about the two people who whipped out the Full Size Edward at a Kathy Griffin concert...the grocery store is small potatoes compared to that!


Anyway time for my random thought of the day-as I am sitting in the doctors office with one of my twins (no, not my tits) today and I quickly became aware that my daughter is indeed a mini ME. First she proceeds to tell me that she likes to see people fight and when other people cry she has a hard time not laughing....(my daughter is 6). Then she shows me this picture and says it looks just like our house guest who blew shit chunks all over the guest bathroom:

I dream a dream of Poo Chunks...Spraying out my ass onto your wall.....

So what do you say when you totally agree with your kid, but you realize it is probably wrong to let her go on thinking bad things about people....?

xoxo

Ms M

**Update: I just realized that adding "I should have been a doctor" to my title made absolutely no fucking sense! I was going to get into the story about how I completely diagnosed my daughter before getting to the dr's office and the doctor wouldn't believe me over the phone...dh said she just wanted our money. But I was indeed 100% right in my diagnosis. So therefore I should Be a Doctor!! Ok now that I have cleared all that up...I am done...for today...see you all tomorrow when I will release the cure for the common cold....or was it a cure for a dried out vagina....

A Novella and a Rant

Does this say "Midnight Sun"? Well, then I don't care!

I know, I know-we are probably in the minority here (we usually are) but when news broke this morning that Stephenie Meyer had a new book coming out we about pissed ourselves thinking "Finally! Midnight Sun"...of course our pants quickly dried themselves out when we heard it was NOT Midnight Sun and was some short story about Bree. Actually Ms J had to ask Who the Fuck Bree was! After explaining it to her I got this response back in my email: "why the fuck would I want to read something if I know she dies????? why not midnight sun??? I don't think Stephenie Meyer is all there! Did she fall and hit her fucking head? Was something in the news about her being abducted by aliens? How did we miss that memo-shit!!"

Actually I think I read somewhere this morning that S. Meyer was quoted saying: She knows fans wanted Midnight Sun but she isn't writing any Vampire Books right now...WTF? I imagine Midnight Sun would be a big hit if she were to finish it. I mean, I know I would be first in line to buy a copy. How about you? We don't mean to sound so harsh here, really anything "new" and "Twilight" related does excite us-but we feel let down because the excitement could have been so much more epic!

No Mr. Biden...THIS "Is a Big Fucking Deal"!

Universal Healthcare Smealthcare! I can cure all your ailments!

This is also a "Big Fucking Deal"-in case you didn't see our post yesterday-we are having a contest! Once we hit 100 followers a random follower will be picked and a prize will be given!! Can you feel the excitement?! Or are you still drooling over Our Healthcare Package!?!

I Married a Woman...AND a Contest!

When did it become apparent to me that I might have married a woman....it was last night. Although the clues were all there. My husband doesn't look at porn (hell-he fast forwarded through the "tittie" scenes in True Blood), he doesn't have any dirty magazines, and he is moody like a woman most of the time-but last night just put the icing on the cake. He decided we should have a Vampire Diaries marathon so he could get "clued" into what I was watching every week. Well after a couple of episodes he started laughing every time Damon made a joke...and then when we were done he actually asked me if I was horny now after watching Damon. OK, I was pretty sure I wasn't being obvious with my drooling...and he was the one giggling like a school girl...so I am convinced now that my husband is indeed a woman and he obviously has a crush on my beloved Damon! Although to most of you that might sound like a bad thing...to me...I am now hoping he will let me hang my Damon posters in the bedroom.

Now on to the contest. As some of you may know we used to run the blog "Twisessed" and we had a LOT of fun over there doing it-that was until one of our kids found the blog and went to school telling some of her friends (and it just happened to be the post where we took the dolls to the porn shop)...NOT GOOD! Well, it was with a heavy heart that we decided to move-and in doing so I think we lost some of our readers and we miss them! Not that you all aren't completely fucking awesome!! But we decided we wanted everyone together again...and maybe some new people too! So once we hit 100 followers we will randomly pick one of our "followers" and give them a prize. What kind of prize you ask-well it isn't a battery operated wiener-but it will be just as good! We promise! And it will most definitely be Twilight related! So if you haven't already clicked the follow button go ahead and do it-and if you already follow us--you are automatically entered, just tell your friends to follow us to because once we hit 100...you could WIN! Good luck!!

xoxo

Ms J and Ms M

It's Tasty Thursday

What is "Tasty" about it you ask...well, let me show you:

Boom Boom Boom let's go back to the tomb...

Yes! It is finally Thursday and a new VD is on tonight. How long has it been since we've had a "new" Damon fix? The last new episode aired February 11th, yep it has been that long! Fanfic and the New Moon DVD can only hold a gal over for so long. Now if only we didn't have to wait so long for True Blood all would be right in our world! I guess the networks are doing us a favor though-I am not sure how much stimulation my lady bits could take if they were on at the same time.


On a completely different ramble, I was surfin' around yesterday on Youtube (like normal) and I found this awesome Twilight Video. I don't think I have ever seen anything like it before, it is one of the coolest Twilight videos I have come across in a long time.

Happy Hump Day Ladies!

Here is some "inspiration" for getting your "hump" on...

xoxo

Ms M

Eclipse Poster and Our Opinion(s)

I am sure you all have already seen the new Eclipse poster (?)...is that what a "one-sheet" is? Anyway- here it is again-with our opinions...

1) Doesn't this look just like the New Moon DVD 2 disc cover? Am I wrong? I have the 3 disc and it is different from that, but I feel like I have seen this pose before.

2) What is up with Rob's crotch...I mean we get to see Taylor's...Where is Rob's? Seems like the smoke monster took it away...No Fair!!

3) Here we go again with "It all begins....with a choice". Um, what choice? I guess I am going to have to go back and reread my books, because I don't ever remember Bella trying to "decide" between Jacob and Edward. How about "Enemies will be forced to join together...to fight for the one thing they love"..? Too long? Well it makes more sense to me!

4) Ok, we pick on KStew a LOT around here, and mostly I feel it is justified-but I will be the first to admit she looks good in this poster. The wig doesn't look like a wig-and her make up is nicely done, very "Bella" style.

Those are our little opinions...do you guys have any?

Monday Morning Ramblings

So, how many times have you all watched your New Moon DVDs? Myself, I watched the movie three times and once more with the commentary on. I also devoured the two other extras discs and I must say-I am a little disappointed that we got no Nipple explanation. I don't care how Taylor gained 30 pounds carrying around meat patties...gross!

Anyway-after watching so many times, I finally figured out the problem I have with Twilight (the movie)...I think (and I realize I am going to sound very stupid saying this) that each time I pop in my Twilight DVD I am secretly hoping it will be different. I am always thinking, maybe this time Bella won't twitch as much, and maybe this time it will follow the book more closely. It is the same when I watch Titanic-I keep thinking..."maybe this time the boat won't sink and Jack won't die". But alas after both movies I am left disappointed. Jack does indeed die and Twilight sucks donkey nuts. I will give Cougar Cathy credit though...I think Edward looks better in Twilight then in New Moon, but as far as the screenplay--it blows. OK-I am off my soapbox about that today.

So as I am making my dh watch N.M. with me last night I was surprised that he actually laughed at the appropriate times (Alice's vision included), and when it was over he said "I wish they just had all the movies ready now...I'd rather sit down and watch them all than have to wait months in between"....I'm like "HELL YEAH MISTER!" And I was about to show him the picture Ms J posted a while back of Edward and Bella in the meadow if they waited much longer to film...but decided I didn't want to have to take care of a blind husband and I really like him going to work and earning a paycheck so I refrained.

On a different note...did you all notice we are down to 99 days until eclipse! We are officially in the two digits!! WHOOOOT!!!

Eclipse Sneak Peak ... What Do You All Think?

Spraying Poop and the Missing Bloggers

Did we croak? Well, one of us wishes she could have! This has been an awful week! With Spring Break comes Kids and Husbands...and EYES-that doesn't fair well with our super secret bloggy life...so neither Ms J or myself has been able to post anything for almost a full week...(did you miss us? LOL!) and one of us has a visitor in her house that ended up with the flu and literally sprayed her guest bathroom with shit and vomit. It is like a fire hose of shit blew everywhere...how do you get diarrhea out of sheet rock? Anyone...Anyone....

So anyway-this post is going to be quick-while the dh is out getting more meds for the sick guest....

Who all is going to release parties tonight? Or do you even bother with that if you preordered your DVD and it should be in the mail box tomorrow... Well, if any of you are going-have some fun for me...and think of me mopping up buckets of poo while you are having that fun!

xoxo

Ms M

Eclipse Footage From The New Moon DVD...Hmmmmmmm....

Content wise I found this to be better than the freakin' trailer, but visually...WTF is with their snake eyes! ACK!

Ms M Has An Opinion..That is NEVER Good!

Ok, so here is my opinion on the whole Eclipse Trailer! I tried to get some input from Ms J last night but she was still hung up on seeing Taycob with out his shirt...again....did I say "again"...yeah...again. So I guess I am on my own with this one.

Ok I will start with the positives...I liked the opening:

I liked the clouds behind the little Summit doo-hickey.

Now, on to the stuff that sucked on these:

1st: The Wig. I knew going into it that this was probably going to be a problem. I just don't understand why K-Stew couldn't of worn a mullet wig for her other movie. I mean if given the choice I surely wouldn't have cut my long locks into a fucking mullet...ever. So now her "Bella" hair looks very dry and weird.

2nd: Who The FUCK is dressing Edward? When I read the books I don't read..."Edward buys all his clothes at 'Geriatric Gentlemen R Us'", I thought he had style! I miss the peacoat to be perfectly honest.

3rd: The makeup, I have to say-my dead grandmother looked better then Edward as she lay rotting in her coffin. And Bella is suppose to be white too...grrrrr!

4th: I know Jacob/Taylor (whatever) has to keep meatpatties in baggies and had to work his ass off to get all buff for the role, but seriously dude-put a shirt on. It gets old. I think I remember reading Stephenie saying Emmett was buff too and I don't recall getting to see Kellan walk around shirtless in the movies....so if we are going to be fair with this shouldn't we be getting to see him semi naked too? Hey-Makes sense to me.

5th: OK, Don't throw rocks at me...but Edward sounds a little bit like Rainman in certain parts....

6th: This book was NOT about Bella making a choice between two men. This wasn't some "Love Triangle"! Yeah-Jacob kept pestering her, but she was in LOVE with Edward...she never second guessed that. She just missed Jacob's FRIENDSHIP... This was about bringing two enemies together to fight against something "evil" for the person they BOTH cared about. Of course you wouldn't get that from the trailer...I'm really not sure "what" we are suppose to take away from the trailer. If you hadn't already read the books I am not sure you would know what the hell was going on.

So, in closing: I thought the trailer sucked big ass sweaty donkey balls! I was so disappointed! Yesterday when it came out I was all "Sqquuuueeeeee!!!!!! The trailer is released!!!" Then I watched it and was like "What the FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK!!! Are they fucking serious?" I even put off writing my review for a full 24 hours thinking I would calm down and find something positive to say about it. And seriously folks I am really not a "Debbie Downer" all the time. I am usually more of a "glass half full" kind of gal....that is until they start fucking with my "Precious".....

xoxo

Ms M

So...What Do You Ladies Think?

I have some opinions...but I will keep them to myself...for now.

RIP 14 Year Old Ms. M...Oh and Corey Too!

You are shitting me right?! Corey Haim did not just die of a drug overdose? How did I not see this one coming? I mean, he'd never touched drugs his entire life, right? He'd never been to rehab (more than once). He never did look like a bloat fish frantically looking for his next fix did he? Did He.... Oh now surely you all are sensing my heavy sarcasm there! I mean seriously folks I am just surprised he lasted as long as he did (well that and it happened on a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning...seriously dude-it wasn't even the weekend). That is not to say a part of me didn't die this morning with him, I mean a part of my youth belongs to the Two Corey's! I loved Lost Boys, and License to Drive! I even watched every stupid episode of The Two Corey's and felt bad for them. I totally blame that Suzie bitch for driving a wedge between them. I just feel good they got a chance to reconcile. RIP Corey! And take care of my 14 year old self you took with you!!

xoxo

Ms M

Swinger's Parties and Potatoes

Ok, so this post is going to be a little off topic..But I have got to tell someone about what happened to the dh and myself...and by someone, I mean I am posting this out there for the entire world to see! LOL!

So my story starts with the fact that I am the social director for our neighborhood HOA, which seems weird to me considering the fact that I fucking hate people, but whatever...it provides me with free booze and party supplies for other get-together's I throw with actual friends. Because I do this I guess the people in my neighborhood think I am a "nice" person, and someone they might want to hang out with... H.A.! So I get a call from this lady who lives here saying she is on the PTO and wanted my help with something and since I was on the HOA board she thought I would enjoy it. Oh yeah, just about as much as I would like a hot poker shoved in my eye (I despise kids about as much as I despise grown people). But I do it...and by doing it she thinks I am just "swell". So she invites me to be a part of her "exclusive couples dinner/game club". I am thinking "what the fuck is an 'exclusive couples dinner/game club', it must be rich people talk, right?". **a side note: My neighborhood is broken up into two areas...the normal area, and the "estates" area...this chick lives in the "estates", I am in the "normal" part. So I am thinking: "hmmm, I really do hate the general public, but getting together with some other couples from our neighborhood might be fun...and I love games! Maybe they will have the New Moon Scene it game...I totally will kick all their asses at that!". So dh and I agree to go. It turns out she is having a "potato bar". She is providing the potatoes and we are to bring our two assigned sides for the potatoes (bacon and chili). So I dig out the "good" Tupperware and off we go.

Clue number ONE that this wasn't such a good idea: We walk into "Martha Stewart's" house and see all the crystal and candles with my Tupperware. Miss Martha quickly scowls at my choice of container and transfers our sides into more "appropriate" dishes the proceeds to dispose of our containers.

Clue number TWO that this wasn't such a good idea: The other guests! HOLY FUCKING HELL BOMBS! I don't care if your husband is the head of cardiology lady, I also don't care how much money your sink costs. I seriously got tired of hearing the same stupid questions about what my husband did for a living, how much money do we make compared to you...etc....for fucks sake-who asks this kind of shit! Who gives a rats ass?

Clue number THREE that this wasn't such a good idea: We seriously had to take a tour of Miss Martha's house and she said things like: "Feel free to touch the carpet....(NOTE FROM MS J: You know that was just a precursor for the rest of the evening) notice the granite, it was imported from Italy, See our kitchen cabinets, the wood is dated back to George Washington"...we had to go look at her stupid toilet. Who The Fuck shows people their Stupid Toilet? We had to watch her flush the motherfucker and hear all about how some Arnold Palmer dude took a shit there. Like I give a shit!

Clue number FOUR that this wasn't such a good idea: After we ate our lame ass potatoes it was time for "games".... and I wasn't seeing a New Moon or Twilight game anywhere! Oh NOOOOOO...the first game on the list was... "Swap Your Spouse"...WHAT.THE.FUCK.! Ok, I don't know what "Swap your spouse" means in "rich land" but in normal everyday land that means...well...that means doing naughty things with someone else's husband/wife...probably naked...like Miss Martha's husband sticking his dingy in my hoo-haa.. and I am really not into that kind of shit. The second game on the list was "Hide Your Neighbors Ding".... After dh and I picked our eyes up off the floor (because they had clearly popped out of our motherfucking heads) we knew we had to come up with some sort of escape plan.

So I went to Miss Martha and said "We are so sorry, but our sitter called and we really need to be going, but thank you for inviting us over.....blah blah blah"...That seemed to irritate Martha all the more. She snapped back at us that if we weren't going to stay around for the games that we should get out of her house at that very moment because the other guests were going to start pairing up in preparation for the games. NO OTHER WORDS needed to be said...DH and I fucking RAN to the door and ran out to the car. You would have thought we were being chased by a rabid vampire...I hadn't seen my husband move so fast in all the years we have been married! We got to the car, got in and started to leave when I noticed we were blocked in. I am like "Well Fucking Shit! I think I am going to hit the car in front of us"...dh is like "Hit the Mother Fucker, I don't care! Just get us the Fuck out of here!"

So in closing...I do believe I can scratch the "I've never attended a Swingers Party" off my list...and I can honestly say, I will never be tricked into attended one again...unless Rob and Ian are going to be there. Then...I'll bring the potatoes!

A Proper Apology For The Sausage Nipples

So, I knew after viewing the atrocity that Ms J posted yesterday we were going to have to come up with something good as an apology...and after searching everywhere I finally found it. Of course Ms. Honolulu Girl found it first and has it posted on her blog, but it is so yummy I don't think she would mind us sharing it with you too. She has all the appropriate thank yous to whoever made this on her site as well, and I am sorry-but after watching this my mind went to mush so I couldn't really form a coherent thought to even think to link back to it...again - sorry! But with out further adieu here it is:

Now how could you not forgive us after viewing that!!??!

Stay tuned though...Ms J has a wonderful story about the Cargo Pants 1980's Boobie Queen...wasn't she just a gem to work with?!

Nippleizer

It wasn't quite this bad or we would have filed a sexual harassment case.

This week as our former employer has been screwing us over, Ms M and I have been thinking about what is not worth making half of our salaries from when we left. The first thing on our list is: Nippleizer. I'm sure you are asking yourself...who is Nippleizer? He is the man at our office who should be wearing a bra or at least a damn undershirt. We worked with a man who had nipples that could cut glass from a foot away when it was cold. So what are two co-workers left to do when they know their pink slips are just days away and they keep getting man-nips shoved in their face?Okay, well, first we put on safety glasses. But next, we wrote this little song to Britney Spears' Womanizer.

Brown noser

Whatcha got, you gonna eat that?

I know you -you gotta know just what we're doing

You can play like your our friend but in our backs we'd be stabbed in the end

I know what you are, what you are, baby

Look at you being more than just a kiss up

Baby, you

Got your nipples all perked up

Fakin' like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em

I know what you are, what you are, baby

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

You Got Me Goin'

You're Oh-So Nosey

But I can't do it

U Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

They Say your Cold

But it ain't cold

You're nothing but

A Nippleizer

Daddy-O

You got the swagger of an insect

Rollie Pollie

Just can't find the right companion

I guess when you have one too many, makes it hard

It could be easy Who you are, that's who you are, baby

Lollipop

you can suck them like a sucker

To think that I

Would be a victim not another

Say it, play it how you wanna

But no way I'm ever gonna fall for you, never you, baby

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

The best part of this song was when our Nippleizer actually came over to our desk and began dancing to Womanizer.

A Low Calorie Rpattz / Somerhalder Sandwich

With RL sucking the life out of us...we have no creativity for a real post. So since it is Thursday...and for those of you with fully functional vaginas you know what Thursday's bring... we give you a Damon video:

Yes, we are aware that tonight's episode is a repeat...but we could watch Ian on a constant loop and be just fine!

Now we know some of you are not into Ian/Damon as much as we are...so for your viewing pleasure we bring you a Rpattz/Somerhalder video (we'll take one of these sandwiches any day!):

KHARIZZMATIK Got Me Pregnant!

So, if you all haven't figured it out yet- it is me that got knocked up because of FanFic! Yeah-I am calling you out kharizzmatik! You might be miles away and think you can hide behind your computer screen, but it is all your fault! It is the only explanation there is because up until FanFic entered my life I hated sex. I would fake headaches and diarrhea just to get out of it. My husband had forearms of steel and I am positive it wasn't from cleaning the shower. Although that is what he would tell me he was doing for 30 minutes every morning before work. Then enter FanFic into my life and bammo--my libido went through the roof. I couldn't get enough. Pretty soon my husband was faking the diarrhea and my shower was no longer getting cleaned in the morning. But it was too late! The damage had been done! I guess birth control and a condom are no match to the powers of Mafia PrinceWard and his magical powers.

Warning!!! Do NOT stare in his eyes for too long or you will be registering at Babies R Us with me!

So now while my husband and I are happy about our little surprise, we are still looking to place blame where blame is due and Ms. Kharizzmatik...we are looking at YOU! LOL!

Hot Pokers, Blisters, Cactus Needles...and Sex Tapes?

So, Real Life has been kicking our asses lately, like seriously kicking the shit out of us! RL could have taken a hot poker shoved it straight up our ass, listened to the flesh sizzle then ripped it out...then two days later taken a rusty nail and some salt and ripped open our hot poker inflicted blisters and then shoved cactus needles in there for the rest of time...and it still wouldn't have been as rotten as our week!

Yeah, it was THAT bad.

First one of our kids got one of our cars totalled (and insurance hasn't decided who's fault it was even though she was rear ended and then shoved into oncoming traffic-into a brand new Mercedes no less)... then one of us got pregnant from reading too much fan fic...then our old job called both of us back, but only to offer us a fraction of what we were making before....and just yesterday one of us got a hellacious ticket for speeding through a school zone...

So while I sit here and try to somehow make this post Twilight or Vampire related in some way...the only thing that comes to mind...is our lives have been SUCKING lately! Like a vampire sucking the life right out of us...and to tell you the truth-if THAT was actually what was happening we probably wouldn't be complaining as much. Oh hell, who am I kidding! If the real Edward Cullen was sneaking in my window at night and sucking me dry I wouldn't complain at all. I'd probably set up a video camera and tape it all so I could watch it later when I run out of fanfic to read...Yeah I'd make a vampire sex tape....quit judging me!