Damn! How wrong is this? I was surfing the net this morning and ran across this:
Yes, that is a baby bump in the picture. On sale at cafepress, you can buy your own Mrs. Lautner maternity top! Holy shit! This is wrong on so many levels. First, he is Mr. Scary Story, so I'm not sure he is that interested in impregnating any females*. Second, he is 17! Are teenage pregnant Twilight fans rushing out to buy this shirt? Third, isn't the real baby daddy going to be a little pissed if you are claiming to be Taylor Lautner's wife while carrying his baby?
*Disclaimer: we at Twisessed are not actually saying that he is gay, we are only saying he can sound like it--LOL!
When did I lose my dignity-I can't seem to remember? I know it was AFTER reading the Twilight series that is for sure! But I can not recall exactly how long AFTER. I thought I was keeping my obsession under close wraps-only those closest to me knew how bat shit crazy I had gotten. But somewhere along the way-I have let myself become too comfortable with it.
Case in point TODAY-- dh calls to tell me he saw the Wiener mobile at the grocery store, my first thought goes to mini E...wouldn't mini E love to see a gianormous wiener?! So I text Ms J..."Morning Beoch! Guess what just rolled into town..a giant dick! Dare me to take E up for a picture". Of course I picked the wrong person if I thought I had found someone who might TRY and talk me out of it...she was like "I dare your ass to do it" - That did it. I was on a mission.
With Mini E in tow...I cruised up to the store, had no trouble finding the giant wienie, and in front of - oh say 75 people ...whipped the little fucker out and started taking pictures. The disturbing part to all of this-is that I didn't think any of this was out of the ordinary until I got home.... then I began to ponder.... Holy crap! Since when did it become the "norm" for a thirty *cough cough* something chick to pull a doll out of her handbag and start taking pictures of it with a big hot dog?
I guess I will be on the lookout today for the van with the people in white jackets. I'm pretty sure they got my tag number...
Why hasn't anyone come up with an Edward blow up doll yet? You would think there would be some out on the web for sale, even tacky ones that look nothing like RPattz. But I googled it and didn't see a thing. If you can get Fatty Patty blowup doll, I would assume someone would be marketing an Eddy doll. And there are people out there looking for them. Check out Yahoo Answers :-) People have been asking--
Maybe Ms M and I have found our latest entrepreneurship--
Here is what I think should be included in an Edward blow up doll:
Cold, maybe an ice pack in his six pack to make us all feel like Bella snuggling him at night.
Filled with custard, or whatever you would like to call it (see yesterday's post)
Sparkly, when taken outside. (to take to your local meadow)
Made of the hardest plastic imaginable...or maybe we should go for making it out of marble, LOL!
So we have been discussing....what exactly would Edwards All Beef Iced Rod be full of: Frozen Custard...that is the obvious one-but what about: Frozen Baby Batter Ice Jizz (you could make pretty little icicles with these) Vamp Spunk Marble Spooge Frosty Load
These really all sound like tasty treats you could order at the local DQ.... "yes, I will have a Large Marble Spooge and a Frosty Load with sprinkles".
We thought that after all these weeks of Mini Edward servicing Bella-it was her turn to get down on him! It would just be like sucking on a Popsicle right? Although we have a feeling it would be more like these Popsicles with the Exploding Tips! Who the Fuck thinks of shit like this??
I guess it is practice for the kiddo's for later in life. Too bad they didn't sell these with little Edward heads on them...I bet they would sell out too! LOL! Ms J-- you'd be ordering them by the case - don't deny it!
So in my obsessive nerd bomber search on the Internet for all things Twilight related-I find these. Seriously-What the ever lovin' fuck are these? At least they are Gentle Glide! Nothing like snagging up the sides of the ol' cooter with a rough tampon-yowsers!
So then I get the giggles...I'm thinking-I want these fuckers! I want to stock them in the guest bathroom for when people come over. Next time the mother in-law goes snooping through my bathroom cabinets let her find these Vampire Tampons...you know "For When There's too Much Blood"...LOL! Next time my sister in law comes over and is need of twat plug I can offer up the Vampons. Oh the possibilities are endless!
How old will Bella (aka KStew) be when she becomes a vampire in Breaking Dawn? If they keep waiting this long between movies...she will be in her twenties by the time she is supposed to be 18.
And what about Edward...he'll be pushing thirty (egads...I guess then it won't be so cougarish for us to be cyber-stalking him). Better be breaking out the botox if he wants to continue looking 17 forever!
I wonder why they were not required to continue filming the Twilight saga before moving on to other projects. Have you seen K-Stew's effed up haircut for the Joan Jett movie? How is she going to be ready to go back to her 'Bella' style? Maybe she'll get a nifty wig too.
Maybe it was a good thing Jacob (Taylor) was so young when they began filming. He'll be saved from the needle :-)
Did I really just have a party for a fictional vampire...you know as opposed to all the parties we throw for the real ones that hang out at the house. And did the dh actually join in? Yeah-I have a feeling he is horny and is just playing along so he will get "something" later.
I have a feeling I really have crossed the line into complete and utter looneyville-but it is fun here! I sent Ms J a picture text and my reply back was "so, are you ready to go to Forks?"... LOL! I have a feeling she will be over for cake any minute...don't worry-I am saving you a piece!
So I am not sure which one of us TwiSessed Nerds is the Bigger Dork...the one who thought of taking mini E to the Volvo Dealership-or the one who agreed to meet her there. I am just happy we got a fairly humorous sales guy who very graciously went back inside the building to laugh at us.
Mini E checking out his ride.
OK, I am warm enough...oooh you are soooo cold!
Mini E and Bella checking out the backseat...yep-plenty of room!
We've got to help out Dr Cullen! Er...I mean Peter Facinelli on Twitter! I am sure you know the story, but if not here ya go:
It is easy easy easy to do: CLICK HERE and sign up!
And who wouldn't love to have that chair backing? Can you imagine the DNA on it? I'm sure Robward sat in that chair at some point...we could all pool our money and clone our very own Edward! Screw mini-E and his NON bendiness! My cloned E would bend all sorts of ways! MMM MMM MMM!
"This kind of stuff just doesn't exist in my world...I mean look at all the houses in this cul de sac. Look at the old woman across the street staring at us like we are crazy" "I don't think she is looking at us Bella, I think she is looking at the looney bitch taking our picture....lets get outta here". "Oh Edward, this meadow is so pretty...HOLY SHIT!!!! There is that crazy bitch with the camera again." "I have an idea Bella...lets go back to my place."
"Happy 'Hump' Day Bella"..."Oh Edward!....hey-I don't think we are alone"
We are just sayin'...... I think our kids could do a better job at protecting him! Hell...have you ever tried to take a favorite toy away from a toddler? Good luck! I mean for Fucks Sake hire some of us! I am sure we could take that bitch down.. I am fairly certain we'd all be in need of a penicillin shot when we were done (who knows what kind of freakish std's that skank whore is harboring) but it would be worth it! It's no wonder the poor boy is afraid to go out in public.
(Sorry this post doesn't actually have anything to do with riding a vampire! I just love Facebook flair.)
I think my husband is secretly reading Twilight behind my back. He keeps making jokes that are surprising accurate based on the books. This weekend I was once again was drawn in by the Disney's Channels sly way of airing kids' movies that feature Twilight stars when they were younger. Friday night, Catch that Kid was on. In the movie, KStew has two suitors. I guess suitors is too formal. She has two horny preteens after her. Her character tells them that she doesn't want to date either of them. (I tried to find the clip but I couldn't, so there is a picture instead) My husband speaks up and says as if he is KStew..."I can't date either of you. Edward is saving himself for me."
Does he get this from watching Twilight once? or has he been sneaking around reading more Twilight books? Maybe he spends the day emailing Ms M's husband about Twilight while at work! LOL! I doubt it! But Ms M's husband did comment that he likes Twilight better than Tru Blood. Of course he enjoys the flopping array of titties, but he says the vampires are "dirty" and not as cultured... So who knows!
So, Ms J and I have been discussing "what exactly makes a sexy vampire". Is it the Smoldering Eyes?
Is it the messy hair?
Is it the fact that since the rest of him is rock hard... Mr VampWilly is probably at Full Staff 24/7? (I'm sure after about a week of THAT we'd be ordering the astro glide by the case)
Or could it be that behind every hot vampire there is a hidden British Accent? - The kind that makes all the ladies want to hump the TV screen? "UM, honey whatcha doing?" "Oh ME? Just dusting off the TV" "With your clitoris" "Why yes, didn't you see the special on 20/20? It works better than Windex and is better for the environment. I am all about the environment. There are dying polar bears out there and all the emissions and fossil fuels and the carbon dioxide and the o-zone layer and and and ... Damn it just fucking leave me alone!"
Vampire Bill was on TV the other morning and he is fucking British too!
What the hell! Do I hear European Vacation??!! I'm thinking screw the Twilight Cruise-Edward won't be there anyway. Fuck Set Stalking in Vancouver! We'd probably just end up sitting in the bushes for hours only to catch a glimpse of Billy Black.
Last night, I went to Red Robin for a late birthday dinner. I decided to show my DH a picture of our son on my cell. He takes it and looks at the picture...then-shit-- he starts to try look at my other pictures on there. I (like a raging manic) jump out of my booth rush over to his booth and say loudly, too loudly, "I don't want you looking at any of my Twilight stuff on there." The teenagers in the next booth obviously heard. Although they didn't act like it---probably trying to save me some embarassment and maybe leave me a little bit of dignity. Of course, my dignity was further stripped when they put balloons on my head and sang to me. On the way home, my husband remarks, "Nice outburst to keep me from looking at your Twi-porn on your phone." Ain't that the truth...I do have some wonderful pics of Rob on there :-) I need to add some of Kellan walking his dog or leaving from a workout... :-) Ms J
You knock the kids out of the way at the dentist office to get to the treasure chest that holds vampire teeth.
I took the twins to the dentist for their 6 month cleaning...it started out normal enough. That was until they got to pick out a toy from the treasure chest and TwiNerd Mom here with her Twi-dar noticed they had vampire teeth in the box. "EEEEEKKK! Vampire Teeth-Those Suckers are MINE!" I damn near knocked over a plant and pushed one of the girls out of the way and snatched up a pair. I am fairly certain I will have to find a new dentist now...and I am going to be on the look out for child protective services for the next couple of days (I'm sure that bitch behind the counter thinks I am batshit crazy and shouldn't be left alone around children)...but I got them! Vampire Teeth! -Ms M
Damn these little figurines for not being all bendie and stuff...whoever designed them did NOT have all the perverted positions I'd like to put them in - in mind! Anyhoooo-as you can see...Edward and Bella are "getting it on" by his Eddy's Frozen Custard cup...which I found to be too appropriate! Of course it is suppose to be Freddys Frozen Custard, but I couldn't help myself by marking out the "F" and the "R"! Yeah! I am mature like that! And Frozen Custard...well-that IS what Edward would be delivering! Tee-Hee! I can't explain why this is my new favorite fast food restaurant...or why it gives me the giggles whenever I go there. But Ms J and I went there yesterday for her Birthday Celebration.
Here is a picture of Ms J with a little "Frozen Custard" on her finger....you don't want to know what she did with it next!! I so wanted to whip out the Edward Doll, but I think she might have killed me....dead! I hope you had a fan-freakin-tastic birthday Ms J!
Today is my lovely co-blogger/fellow TwiNerd Ms J's Birthday. I don't feel the need to disclose how very old she is because, well damn it - I am a tad older than her-lets just say we have been 17 for A WHILE!!!! Happy Birthday Ms J!!!
So, I love it when I find or see things that show the dh's that we are not as obsessed as they think we are...(ok, maybe we really are-but we'd like to kept it under wraps when they are around). So when I went to the zoo and in the parking lot we find THIS van I'm like: "HA HA! SEE! I am not THAT obsessed!!" I wonder if those are Vampire sensors on the top? LOL! -Ms M
I blocked out their phone number so they don't get all pissy if they started getting a bunch of crazy calls...of course they are sort of asking for it driving around with "Twilight" written on their van!
Ok, I just saw that KStew was Teen Vogue's best dressed? Do they have eyes? Maybe I'm just too old to get it... Seriously, what about this says, "Best Dressed"? The tennis shoes? I just looked at most of the other 'best dressed' and I don't agree with them either. So, perhaps, I'm just out of style. Maybe Ms. M and I need to get more trendy? Ready to go shopping? I'm hoping that we can achieve the stylish look of being a crack whore :-)
If you want to check out all the looks for yourself, here is the website:
OK-Here are my comments: I really don't wake up every day thinking...."how can I hate on K-Stew today". I really don't know what it is that irritates the shit out of me about her. Perhaps she is a lovely girl in person and I have it all wrong. Maybe she isn't a cuntdonkey...maybe she just needs to grow up a little-but this goes back to Where the Fuck is her Guidance! Where do I start with what is WRONG with this outfit?! The belt? Perhaps if worn with out the belt and with some nice shoes it would look a little less S & M? I don't know - I still think Spiderman when I look at this. Hmmmm.... anyhoooo... the shoes. OK...if she wanted to wear THOSE shoes with a more dressey dress--I think she should have gone more cutesy with the dress-not all street walker with it. This ensemble just looks like she is ready for a LOOONNNNG night of working on the town. But then again...as Ms J as said-perhaps we are just out of touch with our styles. Maybe we are the ones in need of a style makeover. I just don't know if the Gap has a Whore Section...I guess I will look the next time I am there. -Ms M
I usually don't like these remakes but now I am thinking Summit just needs to hire this chick! She did way better than they did!
What do you think?
Ms J's comment: Sorry I haven't posted anything lately...been reading Breaking Dawn again...so I've pretty much ignored everything and everybody...LOL! You know how that goes!
I love this trailer...did she add some footage too? I can't wait for the movie
I couldn't help myself! I found my Ghettopoly game and inside was a 40 ounce, a marijuana leaf, and a piece of crack...so naturally I thought of K-Stew. I left the piece of crack out because to me it just looks like a piece of silver tooth gone wrong. Oh what fun I am going to have with my Doll and my fake Drugs! Hee-Hee! Ms. J....wanna come over for a game of Ghettopoly? Nothing better on a Friday night than Pimpin' some Ho's and Heading over to Ling Ling's Massage Parlour for some "head"...LOL!
Alright I took the picture down...I really don't want Chris Hansen showing up at my house with a glass of Iced Tea!
I hate to be a Debbie Downer, I really do. But come on ladies! What is all the fuss about with Mr. Scary Story and his teeenie weeenie?!? I found this on a blog and I was reading through all the comments about how they were going to go to jail for drooling over this? Really? I mean seriously folks-that is the smallest weiner I have ever seen!!!!!
This weeks coverage of the Air France plane has made me wonder... did they crash or are they at Isle Esme?
Now Now Now Ms J...you know you are going to Hell for this! LOL! Actually I thought the same thing-but was too chicken to say anything! It was after I saw Rio de Janeiro and I thought...HEY! That is where they took the boat from! -Ms M
Okay, tonight NBC premieres a new show called, The Listener. It is a show that is about a guy who can hear everyone's thoughts. Sound familiar? Here's a clip of the preview:
The first shot has Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen and Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan in the forest, with Edward touching Bella’s face.
The next still is Peter Facinelli as Dr. Carlisle Cullen helping the bleeding Bella Swan as she is down on the floor after the papercut scene during her birthday party.
Last but definitely not least, there is Taylor Lautner (aka Mr. Scary Story) as Jacob Black with his shirt completely off, drenched in the rain. I can just hear all the gay gasps!
He has confirmed my suspicions about the clips being spliced when he becomes a wolf...he isn't launching towards Laurent... I had noticed Bella didn't have her backpack...so this makes me happy. I hope they are TRYING stay to the book!
I really can't decide which way to go with this. I want to be mean...really really mean. I want to call her the crack whore she looked like last night-then I wonder if I would piss people off (like any one is really reading this stupid little blog). What I really really really (ok you get it) don't get is....where is her guidance? I mean...if not a parent-perhaps an agent or publicist or something...to say "um, sweetheart, you look like a streetwalkin', pipe smokin', floosie-you might want to clean yourself up and start acting NORMAL". Have some fucking class is all I am saying! Then to drop the friggin' award?!? Was she high? Yeah Yeah Yeah-I get it would be a total "Bella" thing to do...but she isn't REALLY Bella! I just gotta wonder out of all the young actresses out there-and at the the time Twilight was made-they weren't looking for "big names"- is this really the best they could do? -Ms. M
Ms J's comments --- I love that we aren't alone in our loathing of her. Last night on Twitter if you typed in Kristin Stewart in the trending topics there were plenty of other people questioning her sanity, her sobriety, and her IQ. Some people were wondering if she was seriously mental handicapped. Of course, there were several who defended her, saying she is just socially awkward and shy. Shouldn't she have figured that out before she became an actress? Or at least maybe not use drugs or alcohol or whatever she was on to make it easier for herself. I feel sorry for Robert and even Taylor for having to be on stage with her to announce the preview of New Moon. Both of the guys have worked hard to get themselves in great shape for the movie. She just shows up looking stoned or drunk or something. I think that MTV should have let Ashley get up there instead. I guess that is enough ranting for right now...maybe I will come back later and do some more--
Yes, that is a baby bump in the picture. On sale at cafepress, you can buy your own Mrs. Lautner maternity top! Holy shit! This is wrong on so many levels. First, he is Mr. Scary Story, so I'm not sure he is that interested in impregnating any females*. Second, he is 17! Are teenage pregnant Twilight fans rushing out to buy this shirt? Third, isn't the real baby daddy going to be a little pissed if you are claiming to be Taylor Lautner's wife while carrying his baby? 
