Happy HUMP Day!

As many of you know here at Twisessed "Hump Day" means one thing...HUMPING! Our horny little dolls can't seem to get enough of each other. Humping in our food, Humping in our trees, Humping in backseats while we go for test drives, Humping in Granny Panties, Humping on the condom boxes at the store, Humping while hanging from the ceiling fan in Ms M's house, Hell-they humped for 3 hours straight on our trip to see Kathy Griffin. But is seems lately we have run into a dilemma--where the fuck is there left to HUMP? Oh now, don't get me wrong...they WANT to HUMP! They just can't come up with new places to do it. Ms J thought about letting them hump on her desk at the school she teaches at...only problem is: it is in a Church...YEAH YEAH YEAH-I know, we are probably already in the express lane to Hell, but just in case God has a sense of humor...I don't really want to do anything to really piss him off.

So here is this weeks "Hump Day" Picture...Mini E and Mini B got busy in front of the little fireplace...I know BORING! But until they can think of something good this is all ya get....HAPPY HUMP DAY!

I. Can't. Take. It. Anymore!

So how many days are there until New Moon? 51... Fifty Fucking One?!? I don't think I am going to make it! And to make matters worse I am seeing little bits and pieces being leaked from Eclipse...Holy Fuck Balls People! As it stands that is 2 movies away--I can't take it! The stress is killing me. I don't even want to drive my car anymore for fear that I will get in a head on collision and die before I get to see these flippin' movies. The only thing I could hope for is a horrible concussion that leads to amnesia so I could just start all over with them. But knowing my crappy luck-I would end up like those rejects that just "don't get it" and I wouldn't like it...or GASP!...I would end up a Team Jacober...Yikes!

Ms J did talk me into going to the midnight showing with her. We got our tickets last week. I think that is what is making this waiting thing worse...now I have the actual tickets. We are sitting in the balcony at our favorite theater...(reserved seating-no one under 21 admitted)...so maybe I won't have to punch some rectum stain in the face (let's hope).

Now if only time would pass more quickly... and if Christina would put out the new chapter of The Office! LOL!

Sexual Machinery...Hmmmm. Perhaps.

So in all honesty both Ms J and I are F.O. (Foreign Object) Virgins. We have never used a piece of sexual machinery in any sort of way. And I am not sure either of us has never even touched one. Oh sure-we have seen them. I even had the honor of witnessing one of those devises in action at a party once. It looked like it was going to take flight and fly across the room. That was after a game of "fling the ding" which I was the first to be eliminated because I didn't want to catch the 3 foot long 2 headed penis between my legs. Not that I am a total prude-I just wasn't sure where that thing had been before it made it's way to the party. The skank that was "hosting" this said party was just too enthusiastic about what this puppy could do to the "who".

I remember sitting there in total shock at these pink and purple twirling wieners and mortified that my 50 plus year old Co-Worker (who is older than my own mother) was rubbing them and saying things like "oooh this one feels Niiiiiccceeee"...EWWW! Then being equally mortified when all the girls lined up for the bathroom to go rub some "special" cream on their twats to get their juices flowing. I guess that is when I made the conscious decision that I would never be one of those women.

I also didn't understand their level of "hornyness". At the time I could have lived the entire rest of my life and never had sex again (and been happy). So I didn't get why these women would "want" to get off with rubber battery operated gadgets. My wish was just a full nights sleep without my husband ramming his pecker into my back in the middle of the night, or waking up to him squeezing my tits. How could he be horny ALL the time? Didn't I just fuck him last month??

So now lets fast forward a few years....We will call them the Post Twilight Years.

Now I get it! errr-maybe that is the wrong phrase. Now I "want" it! I have been reading some TwiPorn and let's just say, the juices are a-flowin' and now the husband won't put out. I don't know if I missed his "prime"...he is older than me. Maybe I am hitting mine and he ended his-I don't know. But I need some satisfaction! How can you read The Office and then just go to bed and go to sleep? HA! Just like Ms J stated the other day...YOU CAN'T! I now find myself fantasizing about that damn "helicopter pecker" and all it's magical wonder and I think I need to get one. Or two...I think I just thought of Ms J's Christmas present this year.

Me: "Merry Christmas Ms J!"
Ms J: "What the Fuck is this?"
Me: "It's the HeliWiener, for when your dh won't put out and you just read The Office for the 10th time"
Ms J: "Oh My God! Just what I have always wanted! How did you know"
Me: "That's what Best Friends are for"

So I am thinking, perhaps I should reconsider my No F.O. Rule.... Now if I only knew where to find that Dildo Queen from the party......

I've got Twi-Porn Blue Balls

What happens when you've been reading some good twi-porn and your honey won't put out?
OMG, this happened to me. And I think it has happened to Ms M too. So last night, I spend several hours reading "the Office". I think I need to get some satisfaction for myself, so I go try to coearse my honey to put out. He claims he is tired. Doesn't he understand I was just reading about Ms Swan and Mr Cullen 69ing it on a couch? I need to get some! So if I was a guy, I would have a serious case of blue balls! Of course maybe I shouldn't be typing this right now! I just consumed three margaritas!

A Million Facebook Flairs Can't be WRONG! So How Did They Fuck This Up?

Yes! I am well aware we are late with this. I guess we have been in some sort of Alternate Silver Volvo Galaxy Denial, but WHAT THE FUCK?! Why isn't the Volvo Silver? I mean, if the author of a book makes a point to go on and on and on and on about something...wouldn't you stay true to THAT?! and ESPECIALLY...especially! If you are on the second part of a series and the first one had used a fucking Shiny Silver Volvo. Hell, I am surprised they didn't decide to make Edward tan and pillowy soft...oh wait! Don't tell me! Now don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have been opposed to a different model of Volvo. Stephenie Meyer never did get specific with that part. I wouldn't care if were the "Grandpa Jones" model. I really wouldn't care if each movie used a different model-The thing is: It just needed to be a Silver Fucking Volvo (how hard is that?). Now-what are we suppose to do with all of our Facebook Flair? Mark out the Silver?

And while I am on my soap box...if they were going to fuck up the color---why not just fuck it up completely? I mean, if you are going to veer away from the "Silver Volvo"...why not go for a black Porsche, or a Aston Martin Vanquish...

Can you imagine how incredibly H.O.T. RPattz would look stepping out of one of these fuckers?

1/2 of Your DARE...and If We Aren't Cougars...What Are We?

First, Thank you for your requests for the Truth or Dare...Unfortunately neither Ms J or myself is in need of the prophylactics that were requested...so we didn't want to actually purchase them...so here is as much as you are going to get: Mini E and Mini B Banging on a Box of Condoms in a Busy Walmart Isle...YES-There was a worker staring at us the entire time we set this up.


Now to my next thought:

IF WE AREN'T COUGARS...WHAT ARE WE?

I was reading on line that the definition of a cougar is a woman over 40 having relations with younger men...well neither Ms J or myself is 40. We are more like...er...30, yeah lets just go with 30 (and a couple of years...maybe...perhaps...oh screw off!!!)...anyway.... So what we are wondering is: if there is not a specific "lable" for us-perhaps it is "normal" for us to lust after 23 year old men....or in last nights case Ms J was drooling all over herself for a certain 19 (Yeah that's right bitch-I looked him up when we got home. Dude is only 19! I think I hear the Iced Tea Truck coming your way) year old lead singer. I was busy drooling over the 24 year old Martin Johnson...everytime that boy said "ARE YOU READY"...I was like "DUH". I tell you what...if I didn't have my daughter with us we so would have went to the after party, and I SOOO would not be here writing this blog right now... oh wait-Damn it! I am married! Shit! I forgot about that! Crap! OK-Case in point: THIS IS WHY THE DH'S WILL NEVER FIND OUT ABOUT THIS BLOG!!!

Anyway-back to my orginal point... What the Fuck are we? What do you call 30 (something) year old women who have the "hots" for 20 year old boys. And why do I think that if these "boys" knew what we could do for them...they would be all over us too?!


Here is Mini E: Enjoying himself some Boys Like Girls too!




And here is a video of the band we went to see last night. This was the first song we had ever heard from them. I know they are a little "teeny bopper, emo ish" But we'd still do em'! LOL!

For more videos you can go here: Boys Like Girls Videos

Oh and before I forget: Here is the band and video Ms J was dry humping to. I have to say: I do like this song...It is so naughty...LOL!

the lyrics:
meet me at my door
end of the night youll be screaming for more more more of mehh
Tonights a big night so lets make history

My lips touch your lips
my hands on your hips
wats it gonna take
for you to give me my goodnight kiss

Oh Whoa
my heart is beating fast but my hands are moving slow
Oh Whoa
feels so right you just cant say no

late night gonna hit the town
gonna take you out
gonna make you whoa
whoa midnight romeo

show me yours and I'll show you mine
gonna make you sweat
gonna feel you head to toe
you know I'm your midnight romeo

I'll be your Dr. jekel and your Mr. hyde
the best of both worlds when you get inside my place place place with me
you'll be the lock I'll be the key
tonights about to win
tell me baby are we more then friends
Tonight your dinner's free
Wats in it for me

Oh Whoa
My heart is beating fast but my hands are moving slow
Oh Whoa

feels so right you just cant say no
late night gunna hit the town
gonna take you out
gonna make you whoa
whoa midnight romeo

Show me yours and I'll show you mine
gonna make you sweat
gonna feel you head to toe
yu know I'm your midnight romeo

Show me yours and I'll show you minee
I'm gonna make you sweat
Gonna be your romeo
Whoa

Late night gonna hit the town
gonna take you out
gonna make you whoa
Whoa

Late night gunna hit the town
gonna take you out
gonna make you whoa
Whoa midnight romeo
show me yours and I'll show you mine
gonna make you sweat
gonna feel you head to toe
you know I'm your midnight romeo

head to toe you know
midnight Romeo
head to toe you know
midnight romeo

Smutty Town USA: Population: Me

"What do you mean you don't read smut?"...do you know how many times I have heard that in the last few months? Well, let me tell you...more times than in my entire life-that's how many! I don't know why...I dabbled in it, but most of it seemed rather corny to me. "He put his long throbbing member into her slick wet slit"...ok, whatever. I guess it takes more than just sex talk to get to me. I need a story to go with it. I am not a man. Just the site of a pecker doesn't get me off. I need the romance, the "need" to be there....and I found it..I found it in The Office.

I know, I know...a LOT of you have already read this and have fallen in love with it. Which is why I decided to give it a try. I thought, if it is getting tons of recommendations it has to be good....and boy is it ever. So, if you haven't read it yet--what are you waiting for? And if you are worried about it having too much smut...well, could you ever have too much smut involving Edward Cullen?

Here is a little video I found to perhaps spark your interest in this panty ripping story:

We Have Been Waiting for Someone to do THIS!

The New Moon Trailer Mashup!!! Over 6 Minutes Long!

VMA Opinions...Twisessed Style

Well.... our beloved little crack monkey actually didn't look horrid last night, and she didn't stumble on her words.... I. am. ... stunned actually. If ONLY she would act like THAT most of the time and not like Courtney Love we might actually not be so hard on her here.



Now Here is the Squeeeee inducing Trailer:


We are especially loving the "You Can Go to Hell" part..




On a side note, and not Twilight/New Moon related...How many of you all think Kanye West might be a little slow..
Now, as we all know, Kanye isn't a stranger to out-of-the-ordinary decisions...but I thought a lot of Kanye's strange, quirky behavior was all part of his act. His "Brat-sent-to-bed-without-dessert" reactions to Grammy snubs, and his bizarre videos, the fact that he blogs in ALL CAPS; I assumed it was all his "bit"...He clearly wanted to go down in history as some sort of unpredictable, eccentric genius....but what if that isn't the case? What if Kanye isn't an eccentric genius and, worse, isn't even trying to feign eccentricity? What if Kanye doesn't spout off a bunch of quirky, polarizing diatribes because he wanted to go down in history as a creative genius, but because he is, in fact, a complete fucking moron? The question we have to ask, then, is "What if Kanye West is Special?"

NEW New Moon Trailer...Holy Shit Gals!

Not Twilight Related...But this is Cracking My Shit Up!!!

Twilight Porn...You knew it would happen!

Now let me preface by saying we aren't all that into "Porn"...Twiporn...maybe. And we just dabble in that. We don't really have the kind of time or tools necessary to do any of that self pleasuring stuff.

So when we got the phone call that THIS was coming out:

We began to wonder....could we, should we...how wrong would it be for two straight chicks to get this and watch it just to see...I mean...we are intrigued by the teasers..."When you can Fuck Forever"..."You can Fuck Everybody"... It is just too bad they couldn't get a guy that at least resembled Rpattz this dude doesn't even look like a cousin twice removed. For fucks sake, they could at least just put a mask on him! I am sure the ladies over at Twitarded could have probably helped out with that one!

I guess we have some time. It comes (tee-hee) out October 15th. I wonder if we get a free Sparkly Vamp Wiener with it.....

I Read That Damn Leaked Script AGAIN! (no spoilers)

And this time--after seeing the trailers that have been put out by Summit...I am thinking-Holy Fucking Shit Balls From Hell! I think this thing was Fucking Real. My worst most tragic nightmare is true. This piece of crap is real.


I know I know, I guess it is highly illegal that I saved it to my hard drive when the thing went floating around last April...but I thought it had to be a fake. Well, today I was cleaning out my drives and I see it... New_Moon_Script and I think...hmmm-I am going to check it out again before I delete it, just to see if anything matches what Summit has released so far. You know what ladies? It matches PERFECTLY! All of it...every last fridder frackin' detail. So now I am thinking-crap! My original thoughts about the Leaked Script still stand.


Is this why they are waiting to announce the details for Breaking Dawn? Is it because they know they are going to be pissing A LOT of people off? Sure, Sure-New Moon will make Millions in the theater-but after Melissa Rosenberg ruins not one, but TWO of our precious books-are we going to want to flock to the theaters to see Eclipse? I don't know if I will be able to stand it? If they can go through Directors like a cougar goes through batteries while reading TwiPorn---why are they sticking with the same screenwriter?


Let me give you some advise Summit People....I would venture to guess you could hire ANY one of us over 30 Twilight Twitards to write your movie for you...for FREE! Yes, FREE!! All we would want in return is a little one on one time with Mr. Pattinson. AAAANNNDDD-Let me go out on a limb here and say---I would bet my left tit that if WE did the screenwriting for such movie (say...Breaking Dawn), it would be the highest grossing movie EVER! You would have Amish housewives showing up with their horse and buggies just to see the magic we created! We would stimulate more that just our own clitoris'...the economy would be booming! Energizer could sponsor our Midnight Premier!

Vampire Diaries-a TwiSessed Review (No Spoilers)

So there was the little preview from the CW...NOT at all like the Books. Here we go again with discrepancies that DO NOT need to be there. The main character Elena is suppose to have blond hair and blue eyes! The books talk about it almost as much as Stephenie Meyers compares Edward to a Greek God. So I would say-don't go off this TV series as to whether or not you want to read the books.

Now to the books: Here is my own TwiSessed TwiNereded Opinion...and it is my own. And for those who have read our blog before, I don't always keep it "clean"....there you have been warned.

The first thing I noticed is this series in not written in the any one's POV...it is just a story. And it jumps from what one person is doing in one place to what another is doing in another. Although it isn't difficult to keep up it did start to get to me after a while. I can see where it is compared to Twilight - there are a lot of similarities...but this book came out in 1991, so I give it a free pass on any "Twilight Knockoff" references. It does have the word "Twilight" in it about a million times and if you are a Twilight Obsesseed like me you will notice! LOL!

The main Character Elena is the popular girl at school, everyone LOVES her...I am wondering if that is why this series never caught on. How many "Popular" girls were there in your High School compared to the normal to dork level girls. I say we had about 3 "POPULAR" girls, a few DORKS and the rest were just Normal. So I can see where a lot of people might of had trouble relating to Elena. Perhaps that is ONE of the reasons this series never "caught on" like Twilight did.

The story line is a LOT darker than Twilight. And the romantic scenes remind me of True Bloods little brother (the one in diapers still sucking a pacifier). Not a lot of passion really, but when you aren't getting the story from any ONE person's point of view-you don't really get what they are "thinking".

LJ Smith talks about Stefan's Oak Green Eyes just about as much as Stephenie Meyers talks about Edward being a hard marble statue (too fucking much). The same with the Elena's eyes...I don't give a rats ass!!

The first book (which is part one and two) was a LOT easier to get through than the second (the third and forth parts). I found myself fighting to keep reading the second book. I really didn't care what was after them, who died, who didn't die...etc.... Where as the writing might be on a higher lever...I don't think the books grab the audience like Twilight. I don't feel like I had a vested interest in any character. I kept getting Bonnie and Meredeth mixed up. I am still not certain which one was the psychic (nor do I care).

Would I recommend these? I guess...if you have ran out of fanfic to read and you want to give your clitoris a break from Twiporn. Will you be doodling Stefan's name during your next office meeting instead of Edward's? I think not!

OH MY GOD! IT IS HUMP DAY IN THE GRANNY PANTIES!

On a side note..Ms J and I almost got caught several times setting this little ditty up! And I am pretty certain the peeps working the security cameras at the ol' walfart had a grand time with this!

Also, I just finished the Vampire Diaries...I will give you my very own TwiSessed TwiNerded Review tomorrow.

Don't forget to send in your Truth or Dare Requests! This Friday is the Day!!!

David Slade Must of Gotten into Mini B's Shrooms!

That has to be the only explanation for this hideous wig!

Now, we will be the first to admit we don't enjoy K-Stews acting abilities (or lack there of), but to be completely honest-she can be a pretty girl (when the camera isn't right up in her teeth and she isn't sporting that monstrosity of a mullet). So why the peeps at Eclipse think THIS piece of shit wig looks good is beyond all realm of the imagination. Hell, I think Britney Spears weaves at her lowest "hospital gurney" moments looked better than this shit. This looks like something I could pick up off the shelf at my local Walgreens on Halloween. Did they just reuse Jacob's old wig from Twilight and put some curls in it? Holy Fuck Balls! Is this for real?? And another point: If I were K-Stew...would I just opt for an uglified wig or ask for some freakin' extensions to try to fix my real gawdamn hair from the hideous mullet? I'm thinking...weave me in some real fucking hair and fix what I got! Even if "Eclipse" wasn't paying for it...I'd pay myself!

Ok, off my soap box...Happy Tuesday!