Twilight Review by SS (Our Newest TwiNerd-and former Team Jacob)

Ok Ladies, here it is: The Twilight Review by my friend who until recently was a Twilight Virgin-and Team Jacob Ring Leader.

If you need the back story you can click HERE.

So, Saturday night I grabbed my laptop, popped the popcorn, got the batteries ready, and the shovel and plastic bags just in case I couldn't change her "Team Jacob" mind. SS showed up and downstairs we go! We had a date with a Vampire!!

The movie starts and first thing she starts in.

"What the fuck"..."you can't get a gawd damned cactus on an airplane-this is dumb....oh at least Charlie looks right"

"OK...I thought Charlie told her he got her a truck in the car and she didn't meet Jacob till the beach...Who the fuck is the screen writer? That is Jacob?? That is NOT what I pictured him to look like, or sound like. You are right, he does sound like a fairy"

"What the hell, who cast these people? Is Eric an Asian in the book?"

"They kicked me out?? I thought she told them she was an albino or some shit like that? For real Ms M Who decided to rewrite the book and turn it into this shit?"

"Oh the Cullens. What the F.U.C.K. is with Jasper? He looks like Donald Duck. Why is he looking like that? He looks mental. Alice looks good though. Her clothes look like dog shit though."

"THAT is Edward?....hmmm"

"What the hell? This is comical! If I didn't read the book, I don't think I would understand what was going on. Don't you think they should have done some inter monologue or something" **note this was the biology scene**

"Why are they eating out? I thought Bella cooked. Was that not mentioned like a million times all through the books"

"a cell phone? When did Bella get a cell phone? I specifically remember thinking...bitch needs a cell phone while reading the damn books-but never did she have one!!"

"I thought they all rode together in the Volvo, so they could try and 'blend' in. Nice Blending with Emmett hanging out the top of the Jeep"

"WHATTTT?! Charlie didn't get her new tires! He put chains on her tires that is why she almost got hit by the van. Because she was looking at them. Why did you bring me here to watch this shit?"

"Oh look Edward is back."

"He is sort of cute when he talks" ****SCORE ONE FOR TEAM E*********

"Does Bella have epilepsy? Or something in her eyes? She sure blinks a lot."

"Nice Make up, is Edward wearing lipstick?"

"Ok, this is crap. Edward is suppose to cradle her there and move her legs from under a car and stay right...he is suppose to STAY. He doesn't just push the car off and run. But I will give it to you that he does look good" *****SCORE TWO FOR TEAM E********

"Oh Charlie is funny"

"Carlisle looks weird. Something is off about him. He isn't ugly or anything. Maybe it is all the stupid make up"

"Wow, Are those Chickletts in her mouth? At least they got this part right! They stuck to the dialogue in the book"

"Field Trip? Did I miss this part of the book too?"

"Hey did I just see Edward Smile, nice!" *****SCORE THREE******

"Nice apple catch..(insert SS laughing here )"

"What if I'm the Bad Guy, you can come on over and be bad with me" (insert ME Gasping here, could she possibly be switching teams?)

"Oh MY GOD! You weren't kidding...'It's just a Scary Story' holy shit! That was the gayest twang I have ever heard! Is that a native American accent or what...no don't tell me!"

"Ok, if the legends are so secret and Jacob wasn't suppose to talk about them, how come she could just 'google' em' ?" "Stupid"

"Who has time before class like that to just sit and sunbathe and play hacky sack before high school. I sure the hell didn't"

"Vroom Vroom here comes Edward. He is going to Kick your Ass"

"In this light and with those Fuck Me eyes Edward is HOT!" **SCORE FOUR***

"Can they just fuck now?"

"This Movie is Bullshit! Doesn't the whole I'm a vampire thing come out now? What is going on?"

"OHH so a cold dead foot makes her realize that he is a Vampire"

"So she goes walking by....what would she have done if he didn't follow her?"

"Seventeeeeahn...wow-nice NON American accent there Edward-don't worry baby-I'd still bone ya" ******ARE WE UP TO FIVE NOW****

"Say it! Say it out loud! Ok Edward! Do me! Do me right now!!!"

"You can eat me Edward "

"Oh my God! He runs like Phoebe!"

"Nice sparkles...Hey he wouldn't have to buy her a diamond..he could just carve a chunk out of his side-here is about 10 carats baby"

"Oh you wanted to kill me...well I guess that changes everything. (laughing)"

"Oh Dear Lord, this is so corny. Can they just start screwing? (laughing)"

"Oh you stupid lamb, now lay down and take your pants off! (laughing)"

"UM, is this the meadow scene? I thought they were suppose to kiss in the meadow scene. Where is the kissing"

"Why is Edward wearing sunglasses? If it is sunny-shouldn't he be sparkly"

"Poor Edward why is he out in the rain...come on inside baby, let me dry you off"

"MMM Edward looks good in the big coat too"

"Wow-that was a freaky Indian Look"

"So how exactly are they going to wheel up the Indian dude into the house with all those steps...oh I see cut away so we don't have to see it happen. That's so we didn't have to see him topple down the steps (laughing)"

"WHAT THE HELL! This isn't a white house! Did the people who made this mother fucking movie not read the mother fucking book. They made such a big deal about it being a Big WHITE house"

"Moats...(laughs)"

"I thought Roselie was suppose to be sooo beautiful...hey I'd do Emmett"

"Oh look here comes Duck Boy"

"Quack Quack Quack"

"His bedroom is so little. How are they going to fit a bed in there later? Doesn't he put a bed in there for her in Eclipse?"

"SpiderMonkey?! (Laughing) That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard"

"Yeah, like Edward would REALLY take clumsy Bella up in those trees"

"Oh look, lets eat out AGAIN"

"HOLY FUCK! Ok he said HOLD STILL Bella! You are not holding still! Now see! That's what happens when you don't hold still! Hey Ms M...rewind that part! I have to see it again"

"Beer and Guns...now there is a good combo!"

"(laughing) Charlie is the funniest person in Forks!"

"Baseball? Is that what you young folk call it now"

"Nice Boots-yuck"

"I thought they had to park and run"

"Hey! Isn't this your ringtone?"

"Emmett really is hot, they should include more scenes with him, naked"

"OH NO here come the bad vamps!"

"Grab her and go! The jeep is right there!!!"

"Laurent is black?"

"I thought Alice and Emmett were suppose to be in the jeep with her-and Emmett was suppose to restraint her in the back seat"

"Awww You are my life now. Did he just mouth 'I love you'"

"Isn't she suppose to get away from Alice and Jasper at the airport...this is pissing me off"

"Watch out James! Edward is going to kick your ass"

"FUCKING Awesome! Let me see Alice rip his head off again"

"Your other option would be to forget about Bella and come on over to my place"

"Um He didn't have this much trouble Stopping in the book did he. I mean I didn't think he did"

"Whateryou Whateryou Whateryou talking about...did she even have lines there or was she pulling shit out of her ass"

"Twenty bucks? I thought it was a car part-whatever!"

"Edward looks like sex in shoes here"

"Now why couldn't they kiss like that more during the film. Is this rated G or something"

"Fuck That was Victoria!"

All in All SS Thought the Movie Blew Monkey Balls compared to the Book and if you hadn't read the book you probably would have been lost. She did however want to stop on her way home and get some magazines with Rpatz in them. She still has a soft spot for Jacob in the book. She says she feels sorry for him (although in her defense she isn't done reading breaking dawn yet). But she is TEAM EDWARD All the Way now! YAAAYY ME! My work is Done! Although how hard is it really...any woman with a fully functional vagina would have trouble thinking Rpatz wasn't sexy.