Saturday, August 29, 2009

Call Me The Converter

I did it again! And holy shit balls people I may need an award for this one. Let me start by saying I this friend. She is an awesome friend. But she is sceptical of EVERY fucking thing! She is my "80's BadAss"friend, she loves 80 metal music and everything that goes with it. She was the ultimate 80's Bitch in high school-you know the one, she smoked cigarettes, drank, snuck out of her house, hid out from the cops ... all the stuff I was too chicken shit to do when I was 16. Of course time has caught up with her and she acts like she is a "goodie" now...but deep down-she is still that 80's hard ass that I love. So when I tried persuading her to read Twilight a few months back she gave me the "are you a fucking stupid" look but ended up taking my book with the promise to give it a try. I hounded her at least once a week...and her response was always "I tried-I read a few pages and I just can't get into it". UGH!


Let's fast forward to last night.... 80's Queen came over for a "girls" evening. The dh's were going night golfing-whatever! I think they secretly just go drinking - but who cares, it gets them out of the house! And I had a plan! I was going to make her watch the movie. If my persuading skills couldn't get her to read the fucking book, perhaps Mr. Pattinson's could.





Come on 80's Queen, Lay down here with me and let's watch Twilight together

Now I couldn't just say "Hey Bitch, let's watch Twilight" because that would have been met with her burning me with a lit ciggie...so I carefully-very sneaky like - put the movie on while she was out of the room..so when she returned it was starting. She sat down and started watching-without knowing "what" she was getting ready to see (insert evil laugh here). To my amazement she didn't run at me like a rabid dog and kick my ass! She actually got into it, and started asking questions.

So there we were, I would pause the DVD every now and again and explain certain things to her and she would soak it all in and love every minute of it. I could have cried! I was there to witness her lose her Twilight Virginity!


I was a little frightened because frankly I think the movie does blow donkey balls-but maybe it is just if you read the books first and you didn't have someone explaining why Edward was giving Bella the Stalker Vampire Stare most of the movie. But 80's Queen LOVED it...and even said she was going to read the book today! I called her this morning to see if she made it home ok last night and guess what? Bitch didn't lie! She was reading already!

Ahhh! I feel like a proud parent! And it didn't hurt that she thought Rob was fucking H.O.T. (except she didn't like the weird lipstick---but who did).

OK-Off to do some celebrating! LOL!!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Who Knew! I Woke Up This Morning And It Was 1998!


My question is (well I have a few) but, when did the Backstreet Boys turn into Vampires? Seems like everyone is jumping on the blood sucking train! And geesh AJ-get a hat, or use some of your booze money and buy some hair! Do you know how ridiculous you look dancing around bald? And I used to be a fan...a big fan!
OK-Where did I park the DeLorean? I need to get back to 2009, I have shit to do today!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Twisessed Invites YOU to Play a Game!

Ok, let me start by saying...we are getting BORED! Until someone starts circulating a NAKED ROBERT PATTINSON picture I think we are going to be in a rut. (That just gave me an awesome idea...I should have titled this post "Naked Robert Pattinson" and seen how many hits we get then...we would go from like 3 to 3,000!).

Anyway, to get us through this nasty rut-we decided to play a game. Sort of Truth or Dare type. You send us your dares (or truths) and we pick one a week and do them on Friday.



Do you want to see us Hump Full Size Edward at the local Dairy Queen? We have never outted ourselves with real pictures. Would you like to see Mini E and Mini B do it in our grocery cart while we shop...you name it...we pick it..and we do it. PLEASE keep it reasonable though-like I have stated before...we don't want to go to prison!

All requests need to be in by Thursday at Midnight...Have fun!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Hump Day Gets Wet

I moved into a new place over the weekend. Today mini-e and mini-b decided to 'christen' my new house. Yes, they got freaky in my shower. As mini-b turned on the water, mini-e got turned on too :-) Then mini-b tried to pick up some soap, but you see what happened. Man, Mini-e was was a horndog today.


Hope you had a great hump day too!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Kathy Griffin or Bust....

Of course Mini E and Mini B had to get their freak on while we drove...those horny little bastards!

Hey Look It's Emmett! Hey Em-See Me and B do fuck...a lot too! Have you and Rosalie ever did it in a human's car going down the highway?




Then they did it in our Chip Bowl at the Restaurant...Geesh guys! Get a damn room!



Finally we arrived at the venue! FSE met us there, he drove himself--I guess he didn't want to see his Mini Self banging the Stew bag for the entire 3 hour drive. He was ready with his "Team Griffin" Shirt and everything.


If one more person walks by and laughs at me, I will kill them. I am not kidding!

Damn the Freaking Man! The stupid security guards would NOT let us take him inside. Something about him being too fucking big and we would be blocking the view of others or some shit like that. So FSE went back to his car to wait for us.



We did get to take Mini E and Mini B in though. And the nice gays behind us had fun making Mini E feel up Mini B...if they only knew what positions we had put them in before--I think their little tittie 2nd base feel up was too mild-but whatever, they had fun. The cutest thing was when gay #1 (the boy) said ..."Oh I was going to wear my button that said 'I love boys who Sparkle'..."



What kills me about this picture is the lady in the back looking like "What the F.U.C.K."...although I am pretty sure she was just wondering where she could get her hands on some Twilight dolls too-she looked a little jealous.




The Show was about to start...see how close we were! Mini E and Mini B were excited! So excited they decided to sneak off to my purse to screw for a bit.




Here is the creme de la creme....Kathy Talks About Robert Pattinson!!!!!



Sorry for the quality of this video..my cell doesn't take the best videos...

Damn it! If only FSE could have been there! Stupid Security Guards! Next time I am bringing a bag big enough to smuggle him in !

Saturday, August 22, 2009

He Made It! You Know What That Means!

ROAD TRIP TOMORROW!! WITH FULL SIZE EDWARD!! We are taking his lovely ass to the Kathy Griffin Concert tomorrow and maybe through a few drive thrus on the way.

Hey Ms J---wanna take him out for dinner before the concert? I wonder how many stares we would get!
"Hello, How many are in your party"
"THREE, but one of us won't be eating, he will only be giving us his best stalker stare while we eat"

Oh this is going to be fucking fun!!!!

We will be back to tell our tales on Monday Morning!! Till then, have a fun-freakin'-tastic weekend Twinerds!

Friday, August 21, 2009

How Do You Know When You've Gone Too Far?

When this is the art that ends up at the dinner table when you go out to eat.

Yes-That is the DH wearing an "Edward" shirt! and NO, he was NOT very pleased...HA!


I personally didn't see anything wrong with it. I guess that is why I belong in the padded room. LOL!

On a side note-stay tuned for Mini E's adventures this weekend. We are taking him to a Kathy Griffin Concert. What could go wrong in an arena filled with 7,500 gays, two straight chicks and a vampire doll. I guess we will see!

Ms J ordered FS Edward-but I am not sure he will be here in time for the show. If he makes it-perhaps he can tag along too! I am not sure we could get him in without buying another ticket-but we will try. We may have to hire extra security for him-or at least bring a taser gun ourselves! Get back Bitches! (gays, lesbians, hookers and what-nots) Edward is mine! (why did I just feel like I was watching True Blood..."Sookie is MINE"...) any way... it should be a good time!



Thursday, August 20, 2009

A little late with Hump Day!

Well, Mini-E has been reading some of those stories about K-Stew's wild escapades, so he asked if she would get a check 'down there' before letting her take a ride on his vamp stick.


Bella, please scoot to the end of the table. Spread 'em. Oh wait you can't because your legs don't bend.


Thankfully, all the tests came back negative. She's a lucky little 'spidermonkey'! Mini-E was quite ready to allow her take a spin on the vamp stick. He didn't even want to wait until he got home!

Thankfully they were finished before the doctor came back in the room or I would have a LOT of explaining to do...and perhaps I would be in need of bolt cutters to get me out of my cell at the funny farm!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Our 100th post!! It's About Time We Made Some Waves!

So to celebrate this historic feat in TwiSessed Land we've come to ruffle some feathers.





I guess my post yesterday about how much I was in love with K-Stew didn't go over to well. After some hate mail and losing some followers I have one thing to say: Good Riddance! Hell, if I were to be completely honest I am not sure I was in love with Bella throughout all the books either-I think she whined a little too much in certain parts. I get it...you are sad.. But I won't go there. I do love the Twilight Saga. I live for the shit!

Ms J emailed me this afternoon saying "Thanks a lot Ms M-you really fucking did it this time. Now we got hate mail and our followers are leaving, and you do realize we don't have very fucking many don't you"

I shot an email back that said something like: "I thought you were in total K-Stew Agreement?"

I get this back "Hell yeah, bitch is a idiot. But maybe we should be more neutral"

I say "Um, it is our blog...and I am fairly certain we are not the only ones who feel this way. I have never met a person (in person) who actually likes that cunt, so I stand by my comments"

Ms J and I finally came to an agreement.... We decided we are rebels. We will go against the Twilight Grain! We will shout is loud and proud "We don't like K-Stew's Acting Abilities" (that is as neutral as we can get).

So now, if any one else would like to leave, we won't stop you. But if you stay (and we would love for you all to) you are well warned. You may encounter...every now and again....a little post or two about our little crack whore.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Monday Ramblings

So, I am sitting here thinking (never a good idea)...and all this thinking has given me a thought...



Is my lack of ideas for this blog because I am getting bored with the hype of New Moon. Oh Now! Don't get me wrong-I can't wait for the movie to come out. But I could really care less who is eating where, who went to what concert-and quite frankly who is boinkin' whom. I have come to the realization that none of them would ever in a million years want to boink me-so I don't care what they do with each other....although if any of them were even mildly aware of some of the special "skills" us over 30 women possess...I would bet our phones and doorbells would be ringing off the hook!




Let me in Ms. M! I have heard about your skills!!



So when I approached my mailbox this weekend and found my new Entertainment Weekly inside I was only mildly excited-perhaps I was let down because of the apparent lack of Mr Pattinson....but anyway..I flipped inside I was trying to read the article about K-Stew and I couldn't . I couldn't even make it thought all of her lousy interview without closing the magazine up and mumbling something that sounded like "whore bait" under my breath. I mean seriously, I may cuss a little...ok a LOT-but I am pretty sure if someone was interviewing me for a magazine about a movie I just made (about a book that is strictly PG, PG-13 at best) I would Not be dropping the F bomb all over the place. Tact! Look it up K-Stew. Apparently you don't possess any.






And while I am on my little soap box--lets just say--hypothetically, that I was a good mom. You know the kind. The ones that screen what their kiddo's watch-limit TV time, don't let them have too much sugar, make them read books instead of play video games...yeah let's pretend that was me. (Not the me that watches Borat and American Pie with her daughter...no-not that person).





So, here I am...the "goodie" mom.... And perhaps I have read Twilight and deemed it harmless. It is full of good "wait till your married" values-and then I let my daughter watch the movie. Because let's face it-the movie had less "smut" than the book. Then I read an article with K-Stew and every other word is "fucking"...hmmm... that doesn't seem too smart. I'm not certain I would want my daughter seeing this movie and looking up to this little crack whore.




Anyway, after reading as much as I could I have finally decided-I really dislike K-Stew. I know, I know-some of you LOVE her. Something I will never get. I think her lack of acting had a role in ruining the Twilight movie for me. And I frankly think she is a bitch. Now, whether or not she "really" is one in person-she comes across as one-and if you have taken a job such as hers you need to be prepared to NOT be one if you want people to like you. I don't buy the "I'm shy" bullshit. You can't be that shy if you are an actress. I think the "I'm shy" shit came from someone trying to cover her ass. I find her to be an unappreciative monkey whore.







Perhaps I am in a rut. Perhaps I am craving some new set stalking pictures from Eclipse. I don't know...maybe I am going to have my period soon, so that has turned me into a cranky short-tempered asshole-but I needed to get that off my chest.

On a positive note...Mini E and Mini B have been quite the exhibitionists this last week and yours truly has not been arrested yet...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Cold Stone "Hump"ery! Happy Hump Day!

So, I got a request this morning from my (cough cough) favorite doll...

Mini B was craving something Cold and Made of Stone...and perhaps full of cream...

Me, feeling just a little guilty for all the rotten things I have said about my little crack monkey lately, decided to give her what she was craving:

I guess she liked the cake, but not as much as having Mini E on top of it. As much shit as I give my little drug addict (allegedly) she does have good taste in men!



Hey Bella!! Save a piece for ME!!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Calling All TwiNerds! We Need Help!


Ok little TwiNerded Perverts...we need your help...all 30 of you. Which by the way--how did that happen? We had like NO ONE forever, then it went to maybe 20...then we quit blogging for the weekend and come back to 30. Is that the secret? We would get more followers if we'd just shut the fuck up? Anyhooooo--back to what I was saying: We need HELP!


As many of you may know Wednesday's around here in TwiSessed Land are what we like to call "Hump" day Wednesday's. Well, with two very INFLEXIBLE dolls and a lack of "New Sexual Positions for the Inflexible" books at Barnes and Noble (Yes! I Looked!)..Oh yeah-they make LOTS of books that state: "This Move is NOT for the Inflexible"... We have come short on ideas. Besides taking a road trip to Mount Rushmore and having them "do the naughty" on Lincoln's nose-we've drawn a blank.


Ms J suggested the church she recently acquired keys to...I replied back I wasn't looking to actually BURN in Hell....so anything religious is out. Same goes for anywhere that will actually put me in jail-neither me nor Mini E want to get ass raped in prison.


Won't you help two Horny Dolls out??

Friday, August 7, 2009

Grow Your Own Vampire

If ONLY it were that easy! I'd have a stash of Rpatz's in my basement! OR, I could start selling vamps to the weirdo's from the "How to become a Vampire Website"


On a side note: This is how I found Mini B this morning:

Dang it! Don't be smoking that Shit in my kitchen!!!


Thursday, August 6, 2009

Twilight Review by SS (Our Newest TwiNerd-and former Team Jacob)


Ok Ladies, here it is: The Twilight Review by my friend who until recently was a Twilight Virgin-and Team Jacob Ring Leader.


If you need the back story you can click HERE.


So, Saturday night I grabbed my laptop, popped the popcorn, got the batteries ready, and the shovel and plastic bags just in case I couldn't change her "Team Jacob" mind. SS showed up and downstairs we go! We had a date with a Vampire!!


The movie starts and first thing she starts in.


"What the fuck"..."you can't get a gawd damned cactus on an airplane-this is dumb....oh at least Charlie looks right"


"OK...I thought Charlie told her he got her a truck in the car and she didn't meet Jacob till the beach...Who the fuck is the screen writer? That is Jacob?? That is NOT what I pictured him to look like, or sound like. You are right, he does sound like a fairy"


"What the hell, who cast these people? Is Eric an Asian in the book?"


"They kicked me out?? I thought she told them she was an albino or some shit like that? For real Ms M Who decided to rewrite the book and turn it into this shit?"


"Oh the Cullens. What the F.U.C.K. is with Jasper? He looks like Donald Duck. Why is he looking like that? He looks mental. Alice looks good though. Her clothes look like dog shit though."

"THAT is Edward?....hmmm"

"What the hell? This is comical! If I didn't read the book, I don't think I would understand what was going on. Don't you think they should have done some inter monologue or something" **note this was the biology scene**

"Why are they eating out? I thought Bella cooked. Was that not mentioned like a million times all through the books"

"a cell phone? When did Bella get a cell phone? I specifically remember thinking...bitch needs a cell phone while reading the damn books-but never did she have one!!"

"I thought they all rode together in the Volvo, so they could try and 'blend' in. Nice Blending with Emmett hanging out the top of the Jeep"

"WHATTTT?! Charlie didn't get her new tires! He put chains on her tires that is why she almost got hit by the van. Because she was looking at them. Why did you bring me here to watch this shit?"

"Oh look Edward is back."

"He is sort of cute when he talks" ****SCORE ONE FOR TEAM E*********

"Does Bella have epilepsy? Or something in her eyes? She sure blinks a lot."

"Nice Make up, is Edward wearing lipstick?"

"Ok, this is crap. Edward is suppose to cradle her there and move her legs from under a car and stay right...he is suppose to STAY. He doesn't just push the car off and run. But I will give it to you that he does look good" *****SCORE TWO FOR TEAM E********

"Oh Charlie is funny"
"Carlisle looks weird. Something is off about him. He isn't ugly or anything. Maybe it is all the stupid make up"

"Wow, Are those Chickletts in her mouth? At least they got this part right! They stuck to the dialogue in the book"

"Field Trip? Did I miss this part of the book too?"

"Hey did I just see Edward Smile, nice!" *****SCORE THREE******

"Nice apple catch..(insert SS laughing here )"

"What if I'm the Bad Guy, you can come on over and be bad with me" (insert ME Gasping here, could she possibly be switching teams?)

"Oh MY GOD! You weren't kidding...'It's just a Scary Story' holy shit! That was the gayest twang I have ever heard! Is that a native American accent or what...no don't tell me!"

"Ok, if the legends are so secret and Jacob wasn't suppose to talk about them, how come she could just 'google' em' ?" "Stupid"

"Who has time before class like that to just sit and sunbathe and play hacky sack before high school. I sure the hell didn't"

"Vroom Vroom here comes Edward. He is going to Kick your Ass"

"In this light and with those Fuck Me eyes Edward is HOT!" **SCORE FOUR***

"Can they just fuck now?"

"This Movie is Bullshit! Doesn't the whole I'm a vampire thing come out now? What is going on?"

"OHH so a cold dead foot makes her realize that he is a Vampire"

"So she goes walking by....what would she have done if he didn't follow her?"

"Seventeeeeahn...wow-nice NON American accent there Edward-don't worry baby-I'd still bone ya" ******ARE WE UP TO FIVE NOW****

"Say it! Say it out loud! Ok Edward! Do me! Do me right now!!!"

"You can eat me Edward "

"Oh my God! He runs like Phoebe!"

"Nice sparkles...Hey he wouldn't have to buy her a diamond..he could just carve a chunk out of his side-here is about 10 carats baby"

"Oh you wanted to kill me...well I guess that changes everything. (laughing)"

"Oh Dear Lord, this is so corny. Can they just start screwing? (laughing)"

"Oh you stupid lamb, now lay down and take your pants off! (laughing)"

"UM, is this the meadow scene? I thought they were suppose to kiss in the meadow scene. Where is the kissing"

"Why is Edward wearing sunglasses? If it is sunny-shouldn't he be sparkly"

"Poor Edward why is he out in the rain...come on inside baby, let me dry you off"

"MMM Edward looks good in the big coat too"

"Wow-that was a freaky Indian Look"

"So how exactly are they going to wheel up the Indian dude into the house with all those steps...oh I see cut away so we don't have to see it happen. That's so we didn't have to see him topple down the steps (laughing)"

"WHAT THE HELL! This isn't a white house! Did the people who made this mother fucking movie not read the mother fucking book. They made such a big deal about it being a Big WHITE house"

"Moats...(laughs)"

"I thought Roselie was suppose to be sooo beautiful...hey I'd do Emmett"

"Oh look here comes Duck Boy"

"Quack Quack Quack"

"His bedroom is so little. How are they going to fit a bed in there later? Doesn't he put a bed in there for her in Eclipse?"

"SpiderMonkey?! (Laughing) That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard"
"Yeah, like Edward would REALLY take clumsy Bella up in those trees"

"Oh look, lets eat out AGAIN"

"HOLY FUCK! Ok he said HOLD STILL Bella! You are not holding still! Now see! That's what happens when you don't hold still! Hey Ms M...rewind that part! I have to see it again"

"Beer and Guns...now there is a good combo!"

"(laughing) Charlie is the funniest person in Forks!"

"Baseball? Is that what you young folk call it now"

"Nice Boots-yuck"

"I thought they had to park and run"

"Hey! Isn't this your ringtone?"

"Emmett really is hot, they should include more scenes with him, naked"

"OH NO here come the bad vamps!"

"Grab her and go! The jeep is right there!!!"

"Laurent is black?"

"I thought Alice and Emmett were suppose to be in the jeep with her-and Emmett was suppose to restraint her in the back seat"

"Awww You are my life now. Did he just mouth 'I love you'"

"Isn't she suppose to get away from Alice and Jasper at the airport...this is pissing me off"

"Watch out James! Edward is going to kick your ass"

"FUCKING Awesome! Let me see Alice rip his head off again"

"Your other option would be to forget about Bella and come on over to my place"

"Um He didn't have this much trouble Stopping in the book did he. I mean I didn't think he did"

"Whateryou Whateryou Whateryou talking about...did she even have lines there or was she pulling shit out of her ass"

"Twenty bucks? I thought it was a car part-whatever!"

"Edward looks like sex in shoes here"

"Now why couldn't they kiss like that more during the film. Is this rated G or something"

"Fuck That was Victoria!"


All in All SS Thought the Movie Blew Monkey Balls compared to the Book and if you hadn't read the book you probably would have been lost. She did however want to stop on her way home and get some magazines with Rpatz in them. She still has a soft spot for Jacob in the book. She says she feels sorry for him (although in her defense she isn't done reading breaking dawn yet). But she is TEAM EDWARD All the Way now! YAAAYY ME! My work is Done! Although how hard is it really...any woman with a fully functional vagina would have trouble thinking Rpatz wasn't sexy.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Oh Yeah! It's HUMP Day!!

It is HUMP Day! You know what that means! Today...Mini E and B got busy down in the theater room -- right next to my newly acquired posters. Yeah, I do believe the husband was horny and wanting some "lovin'" when he agree to let me hang those up...either that or he has a man crush on Edward too-oh dear!

Then on to the roll of film on the wall...
OK-as promised I WILL give you the story on SS and her review of the Twilight movie and how she feels about Edward now....but it will have to be tomorrow. It is rather long...and my stupid "real" life is getting in the way of my "Twilight" life right now :o(

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Withdrawal Symptoms

It hit me tonight- I miss Edward. I went into Walgreens earlier this evening -I hadn't eaten in hours and had been house/apt hunting all day and was just needing to pick up some coke zero for my morning caffenine buzz--but I decided I had to check to see if the new Twilight cards had come in yet, even though my DH was waiting in the car.

I decided at that moment it was time to read the series again...and definitely watch the movie again. All this house-hunting and working a part-time job is getting in the way of my Twilight obsession. I miss the quiet moments that I could spent reading and searching the Internet for the latest gossip of the cast and have time to blog! I can't believe I can sneak it in now! I'm sure any second now the DH will ask for the laptop. If he can spent time looking at fantasy baseball...I can spend time looking at vampires :-)

So I guess you could say I was suffering from withdrawal. I think it is time to go visit Edward, Bella, and Jacob. Have any of you felt this way with your Twilight 'obsession'?





Monday, August 3, 2009

What the Ever Lovin' F Bomb!


I know, I know, 2 posts in 1 day...I really need to get a life (not as much as the peeps I am about to dish on) but what am I suppose to do....I have no j.o.b.-and Ms J is out house hunting with the hubby.



Ok...here is the scoop-I am surfing the net for Vampire shit, cause-well, that is what I do....research I call it, for the blog! And I find this: http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-become-a-vampire---Great-facts So it is an article on "How to become a Vampire"... I am reading it and if I am not mistaken-I think whomever wrote this is completely fucking serious. Then I get to the comments--and dumb asses are leaving their telephone numbers asking other people to call them because they want to be a vampire too. Then you have the loonies on there claiming to BE vampires. What The Fuck.



I never claimed to be rational ALL the time when it comes to my beloved Twilight, Mr Pattinson and my Mini E and B dolls (yeah I get it - I am in my 30's and carry around dolls--I'm a little mental). But come on! You have got to be ridiculously deranged to actually think you are a vampire, or to post your freakin' telephone number on the web begging to become one.


My favorite post came from the delicious little chick who claims she enjoys drinking blood anyway-so give her a ring-a-ding so she can become a "real" vamp. This little nitwit made my day! I did do a search on where to find human blood to "drink" and came up empty. I am fairly certain the Red Cross doesn't have a "Donate to Drink" section-so I am not sure where chickiepoo is getting her blood. Maybe she bought some of those Bloodrayne Tampons and sucks on those during the day......


Anyhooo ... Off to do some more "research"!

Holy Sweet Baby Jesus! I Need New Panties!





I am loving all the New Moon merchandise coming out recently! Although it has resulted in me needing a change in undergarments on more than one occasion!

I have the results of the Twilight screening with SS from Saturday. I will reveal them tomorrow.

Saturday, August 1, 2009