I watched the two clips from the comcon thingie
and ......
and ......
Unless the Theater allows me to bring a gun in with me to watch New Moon on opening night-I will NOT be going. I couldn't even hear half the shit in the clip over the prepubescent squealing...and If my lazy ass actually stayed up till midnight and paid good money (remember I have No Fucking J.O.B. anymore) and some dumbass twit next to me started talking and screaming all during the movie I would be pissed...and I am not certain what I might actually do. Sooooo.... I will wait...I will wait until all those stupid asses are back in school during the day and go...when the theater is empty-or at least empty of those douchewaffles!
There...I got THAT off my chest...LOL!
Now-let me tell you about my little get-away with Mr. Mini E and his Crack Monkey...oh and the family.
We drove 16 hours to the Smoky Mountains...yeah you read that right...drove. Me, 2 five year olds, a teenager and a husband...16 hours...16 fucking hours. Thank G.O.D. I had Mini E!! And Who knew that Missouri and Kentucky was full of perverts?! Every 10 feet we found signs for Adult Sex Shops. Then there was this diddy: I am not certain what it is...but it read the "Horny Toad"
I never did have time to pull Mini E out and take a picture at the same time-these billboards came up too fast.
We also passed by a State Park called "Frozen Head".... I guess someone was a Twiporn fan.
We stopped to get Mini E a snack along the way
and of course- Mini E and B needed to get their groove on
Then we spent 6 Hillbilly Hell filled days in the Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area. I have never wanted to gouge my ears and eyes out so bad before in my life! I have never seen so many large people in my life..not even at Ms J's beloved NKOTB concert. And I am not talking about people who are just a little over weight I am talking people hooked on oxygen tanks and scooters because they are so large they can not physically move themselves. But yet these people were still carrying around a funnel cake in one hand and a extra large order of french fries in the other. And don't think they won't run your ass over! Shit! I have bruises on the backs of my legs from getting hit a time or two. Ouch!
At one point we got verbally assaulted by a little gay boy. Now, I have nothing against being gay-really I don't. I might make fun of Mr. Scary Story's gay accent, perhaps I have said a thing or two about not being surprised if we found him in the back seat with Zac Efron instead of Selena Gomez...but it is all in fun. I really mean no harm. He probably isn't really gay..he just sounds that way when he says certain things-and it is easier to think of him as gay then to think of him as something I'd like to take a ride on because, well, lets face it-he is underage, and I have stated before-prison doesn't sound appealing to me. Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah, I don't hate gay people...I DO however have a big problem with DumbASS people! !
Little gay boy throws himself in front of our car-perhaps car isn't the right word. He throws himself in front of our Full Sized SUV-like some kind of challenge.
Ding Ding Ding....in one corner we have Little Gay Boy...coming in at 110 pounds soaking wet, wearing bright purple skinny pants and sporting a hot pink back pack...
In the second corner we have Mr Chevy Tahoe...coming in at ...thousands of pounds and ready to run over your ass.
Really DipShit! Who do you think is going to win?
But NOOOO little fucker just stands there, giving us the gay neck. You know the one...where they fling it all in a circle.
So my husband...being the classy guy he is-decides to just drive head on into Gay Fuck...yeah, I was being sarcastic when I said he was classy... anyway-we almost take out Gayboy as he dives to the side of the road-all the while yelling "Bitch" at my husband.
We get parked and from out of no where a pink (I shit you not-the mother fucker was PINK) mini van squeals around the corner and low and behold it is GAYBOY yelling "Thanks for almost running me over, Bitch"...to which my 16 year old replies "AAWW We'd tell you to 'shove it up your ass' but you might enjoy it"---holy shit? When did SHE become so witty? Aaaahhh a proud parental moment...LOL!
We went to Dollywood for a few days. Where the husband finally drew the line with me and said I could NOT bring Mini E in. Dang him...always the fun squasher!
Finally it was time to come home!!! But that meant another 16 freaking fun filled hours in the car!!!
And now we are home...Thank Goodness we are home!
Welcome back Mrs. M! Sounds like you had a very eventful vacation! As always you have me in stitches over here. Thanks for the story on Gayboy! That one is priceless.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are back, Ms M, although it was great to see your adventures with Mini-E :-)
ReplyDeleteI think I peed my pants a little because I was trying so hard to hold in my guffaws (because I'm not supposed to be blogtrolling at work!). Gay neck...OMG, hilarious. And he had a pink mini-van. I can't believe it. I'm currently working like an hour from Dollywood and have not ventured there...I'm kinda skeered. And your daughter...hilarious! Thanks for documenting your trip!
ReplyDeleteBless your heart that you survived my backwoods state of KY! I am proud of you that A.No one got knocked up and B.You left with only minor scratches and one pissed off Gayboy! A pink Mini Van...I probably would have paid to see that. I'm sure it would have been more entertaining than the craphole that is Dollywood!
ReplyDeleteMy husband (patient and kind though he is) is getting tired of me calling him in to the computer and saying "you have to read this, it's hysterical."
ReplyDeleteBut... he gives you props for the funniest one liner either of us has heard in years
Paddle faster, I hear banjos.