The Screwing Mini's Entries!

The entries are pouring in now for the Free Tshirt Giveaway...and to say we are blown away would be an understatement! We have laughed! We have cried! We have cried laughing!!
In saying that I suppose we need to put a time limit on things so you guys know when we will be picking the winner (which is going to be hard as fucking hell!).

So MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2ND (It is the Day of the Dead in Mexico...so we found it fitting) will be the day we will announce the winner. We would also like to post some of your hilarious entries in a follow up post, so if anyone has an issue with us using their entry here on the blog LET US KNOW by Monday as well, otherwise your pictures are fair game!

It's Hump Day! And the Mini's Got Kicked Out of the Dildo Shop!

It's Wednesday lovely bitches! Happy HUMP day! Mini Edward and Mini Bella got their engines roaring in the Porn Shop! They humped on the big rubber wieners, they humped on the special blowie lotions, they humped on the clothing....HEY! Speaking of Clothing-Doesn't anyone want a Mother Fucking Free T-Shirt? We put out the call last week for you all to enter our little ol' contest for a Free CafePress T-Shirt and not one person has entered. What The Fuck!!??!! I know the pervie things some of you all think up...are you saying none of you ladies want a FREE Shirt? All you have to do is send us a picture of your mini's doing naughty things to each other...or perhaps you doing a naughty thing to your mini.... and we will even expand for those of you without mini's...MARLANA I am speaking to you!.... Write us a story of what you would do with/or to your mini's.... The most Creative Wins a Free Fucking Shirt!!! FREE FUCKING SHIRT I SAID! You even get to pick the Mother Fucker out! Ok...where was I --oh yeah...Our Mini E and Mini B were having a grand humping time in the Porn Shop...

Mini B thought the Sparkly Pecker was pretty and reminded her of Mini E!

We literally gasped at the size of this Mother Fucking Rubber Banger! Seriously Folks! If you can use this thing...I think you might have some problems! I am pretty sure Ms J and myself would need a full on epidural and some stitches when it was over. We especially liked that it needed a remote control-because if you inserted this thing into your lady bits you probably would have injured yourself and would be in too much pain to move... But the sight of it only turned our Mini's on...

I am certain this picture does NOT do it justice... I swear this dick was bigger than my arm!

This yummy creation made Ms J and Me think of what Bella would have turned into if Edward never did change her....someone should have gotten him one of these when he was so dead set against doing it:

Three Fucking Love Holes and She Cums With Her Own False Teeth.....Sexy!

So anyway Mini E and Mini B were having a grand time in the sex shop! Sucking, Fucking and Humping away when we heard a horrible screech! It sounded like this: "LAAADDDIIIEEEESS!!!" "You may NOT take pictures in here, and what are you doing with those plastic dolls? Did you buy those? What box did you take those out of?" Ms J and Myself were like "Um, sorry-we were not aware we couldn't take pictures, we won't do it anymore. And these are our dolls"...As stupid as we sounded she must have believed we didn't steal our own mini's so she didn't try to confiscate them. But then she did tell us "You and your dolls will need to leave my store now". Wow! That was a first...We just got kicked out of a dildo shop! LOL!

Please Welcome our Guest Blogger Ms S

You might remember Ms S as "SS" my "douche troff" friend (Sorry I called you a Douche Troff...you can thank the Creative Cursing Book, that is what it landed on...I swear) who gave us her entertaining review of Twilight a few months ago: Twilight Review by SS . Well, Ms S has decided that she needed to get something off her TwiChest and we graciously gave her access to the blog so she could have her way with us.... So please give a warm TwiSessed welcome to our good friend Ms S:

I have to say that I love the Twilight books. You can thank Ms. M for that. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. If you have followed Ms. M very long, you would have heard about me in one of her blogs. I am the one that is in her late 30's, professional and Ms. M made me read the books. I called and told her I hated her for it but secretly was glad she made me. I LOVE THEM. My poor husband didn't even get a second glance for a month until I had read them all. With that being said, I do have one beef with the books. I hate the end of Breaking Dawn. You spend a whole fucking book leading up to this big fight with the Volturi only to have it last for two chapters and is nothing more than a chat in the forest. Then after their "chat" the book says "yawn, I'm tired. Me too. Lets go home." and ENDS. WTF. Uh hello.... Isn't there something more???? Tell me what they are doing a month later. Tell me if they go to college. Tell me SOMETHING. I really hated how the whole thing ended and can truly say that the ending of the whole series really blew monkey balls. Seriously, every book before left me hanging for more. I'm all snug in bed, I'm thinking to myself, "yea!!! I'm going to finish it tonight." As good as the books are, I just KNEW the ending would be something that would have to be the end all. They broke more headboards screwing, the baby grew up, something!!!! But no, I read the last of it and thought to myself, "well the sucky ass screen writer is going to have to take some kind of liberty with this!!!" It would be the one and only time I would allow anything to be changed from the books. Well except for the honeymoon scene. Maybe the movie will actually allow us to see them screwing and not just wake up to the broken headboard. Would Robert Pattinson's bare ass pumping and grinding be considered PG-13? Oh Fuck it! Give me R all the way! Who needs any of those preteen pieces of shit in the theater anyway?! It is our money that is padding Summits pockets! We are the ones giving our preteen bitches the money to go see the movie anyway. Hell-I'd even go to one of those sleazy porn theaters if I was guaranteed to see some Rpattz "action"...who's with me ladies? Did I hear someone say Full body condoms and Margaritas!!

The Twitarded Meme...

Thanks to the Ladies over at WeBitePrettyHard and TwiSoup we were tagged in the Twitarded Meme....What the FUCK is a Meme you say? Well, that is what we said too!

Here it is:
"Let's do a Meme! So here's the deal: STY and I came up with a couple of questions for all you bloggers. If you're tagged, answer the questions and tag four other blogs. Don't forget to link back to the blog that tagged you! Let's see how many blogs we can get to participate and hopefully at the end of all this we'll know a lot more about each other. Believe it or not, we even made the questions 99% other-blog friendly! I don't think I said vagina or cock gobbling in a single question!On your mark, get set, GO!!"

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)?

2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)**

3) What is your favorite band/type of music?

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.

7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. ************************************************************************************** OK--so here is Ms M's Answers:

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)? I guess I would have to go with the time Me and 80's Queen stayed at the Murderer hotel in Columbia Missouri after a Matchbox Twenty concert...back when Rob Thomas was angry (and hot). There was a pool of blood all over my mattress and splattered up the wall....

2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)** Alright, I will Fuck Emmett (Like you would have to twist my arm), then I will marry Edward so I could Fuck him every single moment after that, and I am so killing that epileptic bitch Bella.

3) What is your favorite band/type of music? I can hear Ms J cringe at my answers from across town! LOL! Here goes the embarrassment! I love My Chemical Romance! If only Gerard Way was on that Fuck list up above! I also like Kings of Leon (their newest CD sounds like sex), I like me some Boys like Girls, and sprinkle in some Framing Hanley (I'd so do that little Nixon dude from that band too) shit...I think I am a 16 year old trapped in this old body!

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight? I love Sixteen Candles---JAAAKKKEEE! I love Happy Gilmore, Ace Ventura (back when Jim Carrey was funny) and American Pie too. And every Halloween I have to watch the Exorcist...FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME!

5) Do your RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger? Yes, I don't know how some of you guys can hide your addiction! We kept the blog hidden for a while...my dh just found out we have one-but he will NEVER actually get to see it!

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc. Oh Geesh....this is like a full time job-with overtime. I would say 60+ hours a week.

7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. Up until recently I had never read porn....and so my husband was a little perplexed when I told him to "Rip my Fucking Panties Off!"
***********************************************************************************
OK MS J IS'S YOUR TURN!

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)? Posing FSE next to a Volvo in KC while trying to smuggle him into a concert.

2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)** I'm going to Fuck Edward-I'd like to break some headboards. I'm going to marry Carlisle-I've always wanted to marry a Dr. and I would Kill Victoria.

3) What is your favorite band/type of music? I like everything except for country. And don't tell Ms M, but I love her music too.

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight? Sleepless in Seattle (yeah-I'm old)

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger? Some of my friends do, my family knows I'm in love with Twilight, but they don't know the extent. And they would die if they knew about this blog.

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc. at least 30, it used to be more but my job won't let me access it anymore...something about questionable content. LOL!

7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. I used to work at Disney World, can you imagine my potty mouth today working there. HA HA!
*************************************************************************************
OK, Here are the Four Blogs we are Tagging: ApplesNFeathers , Twilight Sagapalooza and Undercover Twilighter and ok..we only did three. It seems as though everyone else we know has already been tagged...and for all we know-these ladies were probably already tagged too and just haven't put up their posts....

Spoiler Free From Now On!

Yes, we caved! We watched that damn 4 min long clip of the Break Up that was circulating the TwiNet....and we wish we didn't! Ms J is ready to sell our tickets back to the theater and just skip the movie. It feels like we have seen the entire fucking thing now. Yes I know--we already know what is "suppose" to happen...we have read the books, so we shouldn't feel like it has all been spoiled for us now-but we do. And after seeing all the stupid released (legal and maybe not so legal) footage it looks as though it IS that God awful leaked script/screenplay we read a few months ago. And let me just tell you all--That makes us very mad! I don't understand---the script/screenplay is already written (the MFin' Book!), why change things? I guess we have already expressed our feelings on that subject, so we won't go there again.

We found this picture on Edward to My Bella...it fits so perfect! I hope you don't mind..

So anyway, we are now going Spoiler Free! As much as this will probably kill us we are not going to view any more spoilers/pictures/scripts/clips/you get the idea. We want Eclipse to be what Twilight was--all new. Yes, I am sure since they are keeping the same screenwriter we will probably be just as angry with Eclipse as we were Twilight, and it looks like New Moon...but at least we won't have to go on for months before hand stewing about it. When are they releasing Eclipse...June? I think we can make it that long? I think....

I believe we will just have to dive headfirst into a bunch of FanFic! The lemony kind! When is The Office going to be updated! GAHH!

Sucked into the Vortex Known as FanFic and More Contest Information

Yes, It is Thursday...and Wednesday came (tee-hee) and went without a Hump Day Picture post....What the Fucking Hell you ask? Well, Mini E and Mini B were definitely humping! But where was the Camera Girl? Um, she was reading FanFic and didn't stop til the story was over. I sat in the same chair so long my fucking ass fell asleep. I think I need to invest in a new chair...or bring the laptop to the couch-but I have a feeling that would only fuel the FanFic reading fire and I will end up gaining 600 pounds and start yelling things like "Bring mama a block of cheese and a pound of bacon I need a snack"....

Ok, I will eat this bag of Cheetos while you get my platter of cheese and bacon...don't bother yourself with cooking that bacon mama likes it raw!

So the FanFic that had me sealed off from the rest of the world yesterday was The Dark Side of the Moon by blondie AKA robin

I realize we are probably behind the times (as usual) and most of you have already read this, but if you haven't...DO IT! Especially before seeing New Moon in less than 28 days (SQUEEEE!). The Dark Side of the Moon is New Moon written as Edwards Point of View (In the Midnight Sun Style). It doesn't have any lemons-but it is GOOD! Good enough to give your poor little clitoris' a well needed break for the day!

On the Contest Front: We realize not everyone has a Mini E AND and Mini B....so you are welcome to just send in a photo of one or the other as well.... and if you have a Full Size Edward...feel free to use him too. The most creative will win! All photos need to be sent to Twisessed@ymail.com and then make sure you leave a comment with the shirt you would like to win. Good luck!

Free Twilight Shirt from CafePress!

Want a free Shirt? Who doesn't! Here are the details we received:

For the Twilight T-shirt giveaway – Write a post letting your readers know about the Twilight giveaway. Have your readers comment on the post with a link to their favorite Twilight t-shirt from CafePress. You select the winner of the free t-shirt and send me the winner information – we take care of the rest.

Sounds easy enough right....NOT SO FAST! I didn't read anywhere in there that we couldn't add a little TwiSessed Twist! So yes, you must do what they want....but you will need to do something for us too (since we are the ones who will be selecting the winner)... so here is your task: Should you decide to do it:

Send US a picture of your Mini E's and Mini B's doing naughty things....the most creative Wins! Oh and don't forget to post a comment with the link to your favorite t-shirt....

Hurry!!

Here is a link to the free t-shirts: http://shop.cafepress.co.uk/twilight?src=NMFB

Gettin' Our Period Panties in a Twist

You know I think I am beginning to see why we don't have very many followers/friends/commenters (you get my drift)...I don't think we conform well here. We don't automatically fall in love with everything just because they put the Twilight Brand on it. YES-We LOVE the books! The books mean everything to us. But the movie blows, the first soundtrack kinda blows, K-Stew's Acting Blows, we weren't in LOVE with Jacob after Twilight....I will give him credit he is growing on us. He worked his ASS off to keep his role, but would we have been disappointed if they found a 25 year old hottie to take his place last spring....no...do we need to start building a secret room in our house to hide from Chris Hansen and his jug of iced tea now...YES!

But will we change...that answer is NO. We can't. We can't pretend to love everything there is about what they are doing to our precious books. I suppose if that means we won't gain any friends in bloggy land...so be it. We never ever mean to offend anyone-but I think sometimes that happens to BE the case. If we say something here that pisses you off...we can take it-we are big girls with pretty thick skin. I figure if we can dish the shit-we better be able to take it.

By the way: I told you I would cave...I got my NM Soundtrack today! LOL! And FSE is going to his first Dildo party tonight....good times-good times!

The Haunted Airman Hump Day

Mini-B is inspired by the movie and gives mini-E a back massage...but you know what that can lead too...

A Mouth Full of Cream!

Being called a "pube booger" has motivated me to write a post-- LOL!

Spoiler Alert! If you don't want to know what happens, then stop reading now. (Note from Ms M: Seriously You know what happens? I sat there for an hour and a half and I still don't know what the fuck happened!)

So last night Ms M and I had a random night off from the DHs and it happened to be on the night when The Haunted Airman hit the Redbox. Oh, where do I begin? First let me give you instructions for watching this DVD. Turn on the subtitles from the beginning. Ms M and I started without the subtitles, bad choice. We didn't know what was really going on. So we stop and turn the subtitles on and watched the beginning again. (Note from Ms M: Left, Right, Left, Left, right there, yeah right there, steady steady....sounds kinky: it's NOT)


We have to admit that we were wishing this was a video of the 'the office.' Some nice panty ripping moments would have made this movie so so so much better.


After turning on the subtitles, we understood what was happening, only problem was there isn't much happening. The movie was definitely made for TV, right? We aren't sure why RPattz's character, Toby, is at this mental institute for military men. He is injured sitting in a wheelchair and he smokes. Apparently, he is in love with his Aunt. Before you say What the Fuck-- It is not incest, (well not technically) it is his aunt only by marriage. So here is the whole story of the entire movie--- Toby is having issues seeing spiders and things in the shadows. His therapist at the mental hospital is doing Toby's aunt, Toby kills Aunt, movie ends.


There were parts of the movie where you see Rob use some of his same looks from Twilight. Ms M and I would have to quote Twilight while watching. "I don't have strength to stay away from you"


Another funny part... "I dropped bombs and felt instant relief." says RPattz. (Note from Ms M: I nearly fell off the couch! I am waiting for someone to put this on youtube with some farting sounds!)


He also describes how he realized that he was killing innocent people when 'dropping bombs' and leads him into a monologue reminiscent of... my family and I are not like the others. We hunt animals. We are vegetarians. Ms M and I both said this out loud when this scene was playing.


I wouldn't recommend purchasing it...unless RPattz smoking in a wheelchair gets you going... save your money for watching New Moon multiple times on the big screen. (Another note from Ms M: I agree! And the bathtub scene wasn't all that wonderful either. I am SORRY ladies! We love us some RPattz...but I couldn't help but think of Tom Hanks in Philadelphia...perhaps it was the lighting...but whatever it was...it was not attractive). OK MS M, you want to back off and let me write this motherfucker? Quit hijacking the blog ya Ass Diddler, I think you have some control issues you need to work through! HA HA!

Happy HUMP Day With The Whipped Cream Bikini!

Yep! It is Wednesday-you know what that means! HUMP-O-RAMA time! Thank you to Firecrotch (from WeBitePrettyHard) for giving Mini B this fabulous idea...Mini E was NOT disappointed! "Holy Shit Mini B these fucking non-bendy pants don't have any flexibility when it comes to accommodating my huge plastic boner!"

"I think I will start down here, if that is ok with you?"

Almost Naked RPattz

I stumbled across...okay...I searched for a Google app for my iGoogle page that had to do with Robert Pattinson. So I found 3 apps I liked...one was your basic Rob picture of the day, the second was a Twilight gossip link from Access Hollywood, and the third was... an almost naked Robert Pattinson, ready for you to dress. I ask, why would you want to dress him- LOL!

Time for me to re-read The Office-

Here is the link to the game:

http://www.freeonlinegames.com/fun-games/twilight-robert-pattinson-makeover.html

Should I Be Blogging While I'm Loaded Up on Meds...Probably Not.

But here goes anyway-Nothing has ever stopped me in the past.

I was reading some blogs today in my drunken cold medicated haze and one stood out to me by TwiSoup (I love the name by the way "It's so meaty"..LOL) and they had a very good point. After reading FanFic and meeting Edward the mean, cursing, horny bastard--it makes Edward in the book look like a real pussy. When we re-read the books don't we all secretly wish Edward would just flip Bella over in that meadow and ram his hot meat stick in her ass? I mean he could have at least grabbed a tit or two. And really....where was it that I saw the spoof about Bella offering Edward a little taste of the yonder regions while she was flowing..... Not that I wanted to read about Bella's menstrual cycle (she was whiny enough without throwing PMS into the picture)...but I could have gotten into a little clit sucking.

Yes Twisoup ladies...I think we are addicted to Naughty Edward too!!!

What was that Mr Cullen? You want to suck my tits and then ram your throbbing cock into my wet pussy... OK.

Ok-I am off to bed...this medication is really kicking in! This better not be the fucking swine flu!