10 Things Husbands Want to REALLY Hear

First off.. HELLO there!  It's been a while, I know-I know!  We kept meaning to update this lil' ol' blog thing but life has somehow gotten in the way.  But HEY!  Guess what our News Years Resolution is? 

OK, Now down to business.  I saw a little article on Facebook a few months back and meant to comment at that time, but being the lazy shit I was-it never happened.  THEN I see it again and think SOMETHING has to be said!

The title of the article was "10 Things your Husband Wants to Hear from their Wives".
It had lame ass advice like:  “I love being your wife.” and “I know how important it is to live within our means.  I’m with you on this.” ... good grief!  I could make a list of 10 things my husband would LOVE to hear me say.. and not one thing was on that dumbass list.

So:  Here is my alternate list:

1.  "Oh My God!  When was the last time I had your BIG <emphasize big> Dick in my mouth, I'm dying for a taste".  Because ALL men.. even our gay counterparts love to have their dicks suckled.

2.  "I am so horny!  Can we just Fuck right here?"  Because what man doesn't want to hear you say you'd like to have sexy time?

3.  "I know it's my night for the TV, but wouldn't you rather watch sports while I lick your balls?"  Really, do I need to comment?

4.  "I would love it if you would stick it in my ass tonight".  There again....no comment needed.

5.  "I know I just gave you a blow job yesterday, but can I please do it again?"... please refer to comment number 1.

6.  "Can I please give you a hand job while we navigate down the highway, or better yet... a blow job?"  I think we are beyond comments at this point.

7.  "Oh My God!  Your dick is so big!"

8.  "Please jizz on my tits"

9.  "I love your mother! Also, I love your dick, can I suck it again"

10.  "Don't worry about pulling out!  I love the taste of your cum!"

So, there it is my list... you can add your own in the comments.

Labias and Roast Beef Sandwiches

Things that don't mix...oil and water, fire and gasoline, water and electricity and most defiantly Labia's and Roast Beef Sandwiches!!! 

Yesterday (while sitting on my ASS) I saw this horrific video being displayed on my television:

(Click to watch below)

A Different Kind of Mommy Makeover

Yes my friends, that video just compared a woman's Labia to a Roast Beef Sandwich (Are you still thinking Arby's) and then proceeded to CUT it off!!! 

Holy Shittah!!!!!

Now excuse me while I ponder this....is this a normal problem to have that your labia dangles down so far and you are forced to roll it up like a hobo's homemade cigarette to go bike riding or wear a pair of pants?  And do your meat flaps get in the way of sexual intercourse, getting tangled up and stuck back inside you?  Perhaps your giant fun curtains were slapping your man's testicles so hard that he is now sterile and you can cancel that vasectomy he had scheduled for later that month.  I don't know-I guess anything is possible, but you'd have to pay me a LOT of money to show up on national TV as I was pulling a wagon full of my own vag behind me to announce to the WORLD I had that problem. 

Now things that do go together:  ME and Ian Somerhalder's crotch!  Holy Fuck!  Did you see him on Live today? Just a side note Me and Ms J were suppose to go see him when he was scheduled to be on Anderson Live last Tuesday-but he cancelled so we didn't go...boo!  But had we been in the audience for the Live show today--well, there might have been some problems...and not with our Labia's!! 

xoxo
ms m

Country Crabs that Live Down Under

Dear blogspot diary, (no one reads us anymore so this is just a journal now right, Ms M?)

I have been sad lately because the morning show I listen to decided to switch to country. Ms M and I have loved, well liked, the Bobby Bones show for years. It has been our show when we were sick of listening to Kelly Raspberry talk about Emma Kelly.

So Ms M and I tried to listen to Bones on his new station. Tried is the operative word here. Unfortunately our ears cringe when we hear country music. Let's go in our lemony time machine and find out why...

Its Freezing Balls!

We had the luck of sitting with- let's call her -Swinger Sally at work. We call her Swinger Sally because she was an avid (?) swinger. Not sure if that is the correct adjective for a swinger, but anyways, she did it a lot. And then would come to work and share her swinging tales. How you ask does this affect our feelings toward country music?  Well, she was the biggest fan of the honky tonk. Rockin the boots, the buckle and even working  part time at a western wear store on some nights and weekends. This leads to Ms M and I correlating that country music goes with crabs. No, not the crabs you find for sale at the store or along a pretty beach... (At least I hope not). We speak of the down under crabs.

So dear Bobby Bones, I am truly glad to not have to hear Kesha every five minutes during your show, but can you please limit the number of songs that remind us of crusty country crabs? If you love us, you will stick to playing Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson, and lay off playing "She Cranks My Tractor"... Thanks!

Sex Toy Testing or Working... You Pick

So as many of you may or may not know care I had to give up my job back in September to move to this cesspond of a city for my husbands job.  This truly is a tooth optional township, actually I think people leave their choppers at the state line. I really think we should find our Real Estate Agent and bash her knee caps in for telling us to move here....anyhooo...  I really didn't think anything about leaving my old job because I hated it so much-actually I was quite excited about the opportunity of finding something new...that is until I came into contact with the "lovely" people of this little town we now have to live in.  Now it has become apparent that I most definitely would not get along with these over religious, toothless, greasy, bitches.  I mean-I'm pretty sure when they start talking to me with their shards of teeth dangling in the breeze about Jesus, Mary and Sinning they don't want to hear me say something about Henry Cavill's massive Man Dong and how it would look spectacular shimmering in the right lighting.... 

Jesus Loves you?  Too bad he hated your teeth....

So my days are now spent with my ass planted on the couch watching mindless TV...and it was during an episode of The Doctors when the most exciting career opportunity was presented to me!!!

SEX TOY TESTING!!!!! 

 

 

 I know Ms J is back to work and hating every minute of the corporate world again...Ms J this career could be for you too!! 

 

 

 

I know, I know...we are sex toy virgins and all.....but if you are going to pay me 40,000 to shove a purple pecker up my choch and rate it....ok.  I mean lets compare:  Sit at a boring desk for 8 to 9 hours a day doing BORING engineering office work oooorrrr Glam my Clam for 15 minutes and get the same pay..and perhaps a little "more"...  um-that sounds like an easy decision!

 

xoxo

buzzzzz buzzzzz

ms m

Happy Anniversary to US!

So we were looking back and we realized February 2009 was when our Twi Hymen was broken. Did it hurt? Did we bleed? Did it feel as though that stupid cactus was shoved up in lady land?

 

Did Taylor Lautner tie us up and make us listen to his scary stories while trying to get our brothers phone number?

 

It's hard to tell, it's difficult to summarize everything that has happened in the last 4 years.  So here is the top five links to the last 4 years...

Number 5
A Trip to the Volvo Dealership...and a little hanky panky in the backseat with Mini E and Mini B!

 

Mini E and Mini B were the source of MANY - a - good times!! And they seemed to have a "good time" where ever they went!!

Number 4
Our HUMP days!!!  "Hump" Day nods to Fan Fiction (oh how our lives were changed when we discovered fanfiction)...

You have been a naughty naughty girl Mini B!

 

And when our readers got involved it was even better!  "Happy Hump Day"

Edward Brought a Snack!

 





Number 3
Ian!!  Once we found our beloved Ian we couldn't get enough!  Although most of those videos are now nothing but "fuzz" due to "copyright infringements"...Thanks a lot Lady Gaga!  Like any of your "Meat Suits" were better than the "Meat" in our videos....here is one of our favorites:

 

Number 2

Breaking our Porn Hymen!!  HOLY SHIT!!  We really didn't know what we were missing up to that point.  Did Ms J did you really just get off watching old New Kids on the Block Videos before Fanfiction came along? 

 By the way--Fanfiction did indeed get Ms J Pregnant!  Thanks to Kharizzmatik and Emancipation Proclamation!!
 

and here is the Number 1 memory:

 

 Edward and Bella in the Porn Shop!! At least for a little bit...they ended up getting us kicked out.

 

 

 

Thank you for the memories and to the many more we will create!!

xoxo

Ms M and Ms J

Guess What Comes Out Today!

Oh Beautiful Bastard - We love your panty ripping self! 

 

 

Congratulations Christina (@seeCwrite) and Lo (@lolashoes)!!  And what is this?  A movie deal too!!  Whooot Whooooot!!

 

xoxo

Ms J and Ms M

 



Keep Acting, JT... Preferably Naked

So Ms M and I went into Sunday evening wondering would JT wow us in person with his 'Suit and Tie shit'. The answer is, wait for it,  NO... even twitter comments backed up our thoughts. "@Trevon: Ok FINE Justin, you can keep acting." This is what we saw on the grammys-




Now the pros of JT continuing acting (preferably naked)

Enough said! :-)