Paging My Fucking Excitment...Has Anyone Seen It?

What the FuckadeeFuckFuck is wrong with me. Where is the energy I felt for New Moon? I wonder if it has anything to do with the lack of Spoiler Whoring I've done. I was a MAJOR Whore for New Moon...I think I may have needed a double prescription of antibiotics from the doctor by the time that movie came out...but for this one...Not so much. I blame it on several things...first - Work... I don't have the time I once did to troll the blogs looking for things to feed my whorish addiction...and second I blame FANFIC-Who wants to see another shirtless still of Jacob the werewolf when I can read about a domineering Edward tying Bella up and whipping her lady bits with his flogger.... hmmm...



Now don't get me wrong-I am excited for the movie...hell-Ms J and I have had our tickets for opening night for a while now and we have a couple more tickets bought already for the weekend after...yeah-we plan on seeing this movie plenty of times! But are we counting down the hours? Not really. Have I picked out my outfit for opening night....uh..that would be a big ass "NO"....Wow-I suck!



On a completely random note...I am sitting here listening to the red carpet bullshit live on-line and Lance Bass just showed up...What the Fuck is Lance Fucking Bass doing at the Red Carpet. I mean we are already fighting a stereotype with these movies...do we really need HIM to be interviewed? Thanks a lot dumbass interviewer fuckers! And just a FYI...we don't care what sort of Evening Gown he was wearing..."WHAT?? He wasn't wearing an evening gown?" Oops...I must have heard him wrong.
Oh Goodie Miss Rosenberg... "Melissa-it must have been so difficult to write a script to this book"..."Why yes it was Miss Interviewer Girl...do you know how fucking difficult it is to fuck up a script based off a book, where basically the script was written for me...Yeah-I should win an award or some shit"....

Ok, I am off before I really piss some people off...

xoxo
Ms M

What Part of Hell Would I Be Sent To?

I know, I know we have been absent for some time now. Due to busy work schedules and dh's lurking about, oh shit, that's a lie...we just have been too busy reading lots of lemons on our phones.

Although I felt comfortable reading lemons most everywhere...today I decided maybe there was one place I shouldn't read them...at the church...

Here's my text to Ms M, "So what part of hell would I be sent to for reading about riding crops and nipple clamps in a church?"

She replied back, "The interesting/fun part, I'm sure!"

"LOL :-) where Ian Somerhalder or RPattz would be...with his flogger." I send back.

Ms M finishes up our conversation with, "and his wooden cross to tie you to!"

Thanks to Tara Sue Me for giving us some great D/s lemons! Never knew what the difference between a flogger and a riding crop was before reading The Training. :-)

No Mr. Massengill...YOU Sir Are the "Doucher"

So I have come to the conclusion that going back to work sucks big ass, sweaty, liver spotted, donkey nuts (well that and being married-because that complicates my blogging time as well). Not only do I have to put up with this ass jockey at work who insists on calling everyone a "doucher" but by the time I get home I am expected to make dinner, clean the house and get the kids ready for bed. This seriously blows! I can't even remember the last time I got to check out a Twilight related blog....oh don't get me wrong...I read "Twi-Porn" (aka: Fan-Fic) all day at work on my phone...but I haven't gotten a chance to troll the blogs and say hi to all our favorite ladies in a long time! So I am taking this very rare free moment to jump on here and say hello to you all...and let you kow that we are not dead. Ms J is just very pregnant and her hormones - along with her reading of "Fan-Fic" - have gotten the best of her...she may have to invest in some Duracell stock...just sayin'... seriously, she is still getting settled from her move-she finally got herself some living room furniture delivered Saturday (now you have NO excuse not to blog Twat Waffle!!!)....and I have been busy at work dealing with Mr. Massengill... I did however finally get rid of my house guest from HELL!!!! Holy FUCK!!! I'd love to go into ALL the details here, but since she was a minor-I don't know what the legalities are....

Anyway....we promise we won't stay away so long again!

Off to watch the MTV Movie Awards...

xoxo

Ms M

This Is Just Disturbing!

It really takes A LOT to disturb us, so when we say we are disturbed...believe us when we say it!

So What The Fuck is This?!? Who the hell wants a Damon Salvatore Action Figure Head...no, not the entire body...just the head.

Crotch..maybe..but just his head? Well, unless it was it his real head and his tongue still worked cause then I could stick it between my legs...

Happy Birthday to US!

One year ago Yesterday-we started this little ol' blog. We needed an outlet for all our perverted Twi-Thoughts that we couldn't share with our families (without getting put in a straight jacket and hauled off somewhere). Now a year later...the thought of being restrained doesn't sound so bad if some "Master of the Universe" was there with us...but sadly that probably wouldn't be the case. Our luck would be a Helga look-a-like would be there waiting for us to become her special girlfriend.... anyyyywayyyy... We just wanted to thank you all for all your comments and support over the last year. You ladies Rock!! Your comments have us in stitches everyday! You are all so smart and witty and we truly envy your creativity! We have to thank the Twitarded ladies for giving us the guts to start this blog! Their foul language and pervy thoughts surely paved the way for us. We didn't feel like we would totally shock and offend anyone since they were doing it first....although I think we have shocked them a few times...(wink wink).

xoxo
Ms M and Ms J

So who is Ms M's Houseguest?

I know several of you have been wondering who is this person staying at Ms M's house. Ms M is legally unable to say anything about her guest until later this month. However, I am allowed to talk about it.

Her houseguest (HG) is a foreign exchange student. It has been a long year. From the moment, she stepped off the plane, the HG started eating. Eating everything, especially cereal. She eats so much freakin' cereal that Ms M's daughter has to find a place to hide her box, so the HG doesn't eat all of it. And when Ms M cooks dinner...she has to double her recipe to feed the HG. By now, HG could either mean house guest or huge guest.

One time I went over to Ms M's for dinner with my family. Ms M can make a mean ass cheeseball...and that night she didn't disappoint. While I was standing there putting the mouthwatering masterpiece on my plate HG came over and hip-chucked me out of the way to get herself some. She fucking HIP CHUCKED my ass! Then when dinner was served she started growling behind us to get to the food...like a rabid fucking dog or some shit. AAANNNDD then the giant piece of shit started fucking FARTING at the table..F.A.R.T.I.N.G!! It smelled like barnyard feces whafting around while we were trying to eat. I thought my husband was going to get sick right there on his plate!


Thankfully for Ms M and her family, the HG is returning to her family very soon. Until then I'll be more than happy to share anything you want to know about HG :o)

Eels Up the Ass and Tits On My Phone

Seriously dudes, if I ever pass out drunk, please don't stick and eel up my ass! I read today that "after a chef in China passed out drunk, his friends played a prank on him that went horribly awry! Doctors found an eel up the 59-year-old man's rectum and the creature had eaten his bowels! WTF was wrong with his friends?! What happened to the classic prank of just drawing dicks on the faces of passed out drinking buddies?!"

All right, we have gotten that out of the way: I have to tell ya'll my story of the week: Yesterday morning began like normal until I walked out of my bedroom and started toward the other side of the house to get something out of the guest bathroom....when I got to the dining room I found my "house guest" fondling her tits. My first thought was "Please don't masturbate in my dining room, we fucking eat in here for Christ's sake"... well when she saw me she quit...so I carried on my merry way to get what I was after in the other bathroom. By the time I started back towards my room she had left for the day so I didn't have to see her again... Once I got to work I (of course) had to tell EVERYONE about the incident in my dining room. I was in some serious need of "disinfectant" advice.

The rest of my morning went pretty much as usual until I took my regular afternoon trip to the bathroom to take a picture of my cooter to send to the hubs (that ALWAYS puts him in a good mood, and seeing how it was Friday, I knew I was just guaranteeing a good weekend). That is when I found it.... as I was deleting my beaver picture out of my phone I found a GIANT TIT in my pictures...taken Friday morning... and it WASN'T MINE!!

It took me a second to connect all the pieces together..."Holy fuck balls dangling off the cross-my guest wasn't masturbating after all...she was taking pictures of her ginormous boob with my phone...SHIT BALLS...I need to disinfect my phone now..."

Why the hell would someone do that? Did she think I would like it? At least it wasn't her cooter!

I know some of you may be asking...How is this Twilight related? Or even Vampire related? Well it's not-but if you replace the tit in this picture with an apple it might be.....

xoxo

Ms M (who is now dealing with a "happy" hubby, damaged retina's, and is in need of a new phone!)