Fifty Shades of Audio Shittiness

So you may have heard about my new shitastic job. No, it isn't for the CIA as Ms J referred. I feel more like I am going to prison every day. No internet, no radio, no phone, my cell phone has no coverage so I can't even rely on it for the latest on the Twatter or Facebook. Hell, the world could crumble around me and I wouldn't find out until 5pm. All this for an engineering job-and no, not the kind that drives a train-I think they even get radio for fucks sake.

Anyway-I am entering my third week in this crap-ass job and every day I sit pondering how I could end it all. Hang myself from the rafters. Gouge my brains out with my mouse. Throw myself down the elevator shaft. So today in a sad, sad attempt to cheer me up Ms. J sent me a free copy of the Book turned to Fanfic turned book on audiobook (did you follow that?). Now normally I wouldn't condone stealing an "artists" work...but in this case I feel like I already paid the artist for the original work (aka: Stephenie Meyer). I mean seriously...I have kept my mouth shut on this issue for a while because I didn't feel I knew all the facts...but after listening to this "book" I can truly say it IS a total rip off of Twilight...Hell, she even uses quotes from Twilight...Now don't get me wrong...I have said this before-I worship some of the authors out there that write awesome fanfic-they are so talented and it is unbelievable that they share that talent with the rest of us Fo' Free!!! I even don't mind reading a FAN FIC that happens to have some Twilight quotes in it, but for the love of God if you are going to "rewrite" your fic don't just do a find and replace with just the names but leave everything else the fucking same. You can't leave quotes directly from the Twilight series in your book and call it original...my English Professor would agree with me-that is Plagiarism and that would earn you a big fat F!

"You left the bodies but you only moved the headstones! You
only moved the headstones!"

Now I realize this "work of art" is NOT suppose to be a comedy...but I find myself curled in a ball laughing at this Selena Gomez sounding chick as she tries to sound...uuuuhh...sexy? and her Edward..I mean...errr...Christian Black...Blue...Green..Oh yeah..Grey..voice just about kills me..it sounds like a 75 year old pedophile.
 

                                                   Want some Candy Little Girl?

The first "sex" scene was hysterical...I had to pause it several times because the chick reading it was all "OOHHH" "AAHHH"ing like I was listening to a bad 1-900 number sex call. And don't get me started on Jacob/Jose...really? Jo'FuckingSe? She makes him sound like an illegal immigrant who has just jumped the boarder.

But those things weren't even the tip of what is wrong with this audio fanfiction...I mean book.

Firstly, how many times can you use the same adjectives to describe the same thing before it gets old. For fucks sake lady invest in a thesauruses! "My Medulla Oblongata...My Medulla Oblongata...My Medulla Oblongata" Good Fucking God! I get it!! Incidentally...correct me if I am wrong-but doesn't that portion of your brain control your breathing, heart rate and vomiting, not so much your "thinking"...oh wait! I think I am going to vomit if I have to listen to any more of this shit!

How many times do we have to hear about how clean Edward is...I mean is this a problem in this lady's normal everyday life? Is her husband a filthy slob so she feels compelled to write about "clean" men? When I read a book about a guy who is suppose to be rich and hot...I sort of just assume he occasionally takes a shower as well (am I wrong here??). Also, every time she describes Edward's...damn it-I did it again! CHRISTIAN'S... fingers and how fucking looooonnnng they are and how long his legs are all I can picture is a Praying Mantis waiting to devour me.

Want to me meet me in my Red Room of Pain?

Now my "Inner Goddess" is staring at me over her half moon spectacles and telling me that I probably should have kept my opinions to myself, but I am telling her to fuck off-no one reads this blog any way and she's all "Holy Shittah you are right! You are such a loser Ms M! Maybe next time you fly too close to the sun you should let it suck you right in".

xoxo

Ms M