Butt plugs and Magic Mike? Midnite ramblings of Ms J

As I finish off two glasses of wine, I think 'Shit' or 'Shittah' if you've been listening to 50 Shades on Audible.com, What the fuck is up with Butt Plugs? I hear fan fic writers talk about stretching in and such... but uh... I don't get it. I have a few friends who actually use those (for the record neither ms m or myself have used such devises). Here's the deal - in the fanfic they describe them as stretching the hole to prepare it for um, usually Edward's monster cock...ok, ladies, in reality do you want your butt hole stretched? (this is what I am pondering at 12:43 ( I repeat- after drinking two glasses of wine). Not to sound mean, but Ms M and I do not want to have that part stretched, enlarged or for that matter - entered in anyway, shape or form. Exit only please! We might start sounding like another blog that seems to only write when they are excreting from their nether regions. (Readers--- sorry to disappoint but we will not be letting you know all about our bowel movements... if you like that kind of thing send us a PM and we'll hook you up with a link to a great blog about bowel movements)


So, I'm off my soap box about butt plugs, please write in to us if you have a different opinion - I would enjoy to know what the purpose truly is - maybe ms m and I aren't 'getting it'. LOL -


On to happier thoughts... Tudors is now on Amazon :-) I can now listen to Henry Cavill banging while I work on mail merges at work :-) Now Amazon just needs to get Vampire Diaries...


This is when I usually try to think of what pics to supply for this blog post... ugh! I don't want to Google butt plugs so instead I will leave you with a YouTube video of 'Magic Mike' -- which Ms M says she's only going to for the 'articles'







So Ms M wanted me to add a pic she found the other day... um, not sure how she found it or why? but it fits with our theme :-)

A Little Writing Inspiration..."Oh Mr. Henry..."

This video gets us EVERY FLIPPIN' TIME! 

xoxo
Ms M

Ellen Reads Fanfiction!

Holy Shittah!  This might have made the audiobook bearable...LOL!!

Magic Mike...Thud

You have something you want to stick me with? Well go ahead sir-I don't mind!

Fifty Shades of Audio Shittiness

So you may have heard about my new shitastic job. No, it isn't for the CIA as Ms J referred. I feel more like I am going to prison every day. No internet, no radio, no phone, my cell phone has no coverage so I can't even rely on it for the latest on the Twatter or Facebook. Hell, the world could crumble around me and I wouldn't find out until 5pm. All this for an engineering job-and no, not the kind that drives a train-I think they even get radio for fucks sake.

Anyway-I am entering my third week in this crap-ass job and every day I sit pondering how I could end it all. Hang myself from the rafters. Gouge my brains out with my mouse. Throw myself down the elevator shaft. So today in a sad, sad attempt to cheer me up Ms. J sent me a free copy of the Book turned to Fanfic turned book on audiobook (did you follow that?). Now normally I wouldn't condone stealing an "artists" work...but in this case I feel like I already paid the artist for the original work (aka: Stephenie Meyer). I mean seriously...I have kept my mouth shut on this issue for a while because I didn't feel I knew all the facts...but after listening to this "book" I can truly say it IS a total rip off of Twilight...Hell, she even uses quotes from Twilight...Now don't get me wrong...I have said this before-I worship some of the authors out there that write awesome fanfic-they are so talented and it is unbelievable that they share that talent with the rest of us Fo' Free!!! I even don't mind reading a FAN FIC that happens to have some Twilight quotes in it, but for the love of God if you are going to "rewrite" your fic don't just do a find and replace with just the names but leave everything else the fucking same. You can't leave quotes directly from the Twilight series in your book and call it original...my English Professor would agree with me-that is Plagiarism and that would earn you a big fat F!

"You left the bodies but you only moved the headstones! You
only moved the headstones!"

Now I realize this "work of art" is NOT suppose to be a comedy...but I find myself curled in a ball laughing at this Selena Gomez sounding chick as she tries to sound...uuuuhh...sexy? and her Edward..I mean...errr...Christian Black...Blue...Green..Oh yeah..Grey..voice just about kills me..it sounds like a 75 year old pedophile.
 

                                                   Want some Candy Little Girl?

The first "sex" scene was hysterical...I had to pause it several times because the chick reading it was all "OOHHH" "AAHHH"ing like I was listening to a bad 1-900 number sex call. And don't get me started on Jacob/Jose...really? Jo'FuckingSe? She makes him sound like an illegal immigrant who has just jumped the boarder.

But those things weren't even the tip of what is wrong with this audio fanfiction...I mean book.

Firstly, how many times can you use the same adjectives to describe the same thing before it gets old. For fucks sake lady invest in a thesauruses! "My Medulla Oblongata...My Medulla Oblongata...My Medulla Oblongata" Good Fucking God! I get it!! Incidentally...correct me if I am wrong-but doesn't that portion of your brain control your breathing, heart rate and vomiting, not so much your "thinking"...oh wait! I think I am going to vomit if I have to listen to any more of this shit!

How many times do we have to hear about how clean Edward is...I mean is this a problem in this lady's normal everyday life? Is her husband a filthy slob so she feels compelled to write about "clean" men? When I read a book about a guy who is suppose to be rich and hot...I sort of just assume he occasionally takes a shower as well (am I wrong here??). Also, every time she describes Edward's...damn it-I did it again! CHRISTIAN'S... fingers and how fucking looooonnnng they are and how long his legs are all I can picture is a Praying Mantis waiting to devour me.

Want to me meet me in my Red Room of Pain?

Now my "Inner Goddess" is staring at me over her half moon spectacles and telling me that I probably should have kept my opinions to myself, but I am telling her to fuck off-no one reads this blog any way and she's all "Holy Shittah you are right! You are such a loser Ms M! Maybe next time you fly too close to the sun you should let it suck you right in".

xoxo

Ms M

Why #50 Shades? Why not #Sempre?

Ms M and I were having a discussion about why some of our other favorite fanfics couldn't be turned into movies. We love, love, love Emancipation Proclamation aka Sempre! Personally, I would love to see EP as a movie! Peter Facinelli as Cullen mafia dad would be super yummy- The story has a great plot and character development. It also touches your heart and does more than just get your panties wet. 


I was hoping with the publicity of  50 Shades that it would bring to light the other published fanfiction. I guess we will wait and see. Maybe we should all tweet to eonline and EW to make our point known. God knows Khar deserves a movie deal too! 


Who would we cast in EP/Sempre? Ugh! I'm sure young Hollywood could supply 2 good actors to be E and B. And for us older ladies-- some great scenes with Peter and other 'mafia' members. Dare I say, Ian Somerhalder :-) Channing Tatum... I wonder if Khar has anyone in mind who could play the parts. 


The thing is EP/Sempre would draw in both men/women with the drama of the mafia and then the loving relationship of E and B. 


Damn if, as news outlets are reporting, KStew is looking into starring in the part of Ana in 50 Shades, maybe she could do EP/Sempre also. Her and RPattz could just keep making fanfics... 


Other fan fics that we wouldn't mind seeing turned into movies include: The Office (Ian Somerhalder = Beautiful Bastard); The Submissive trilogy (which I actually could get into a lot more than MOTU/50 Shades); Hockeyward (This could be a great romantic comedy) 


Ladies, please get your screenplays ready! 

Ms M, A Little Henry to Cheer You Up

So now Ms M has reentered the work world this week and unfortunately she is secluded from all of the outside communications. Seriously-- no cell phone access, no internet, and her phone is monitored. You would think she worked for the Secret Service. I'm home today because the kiddo is sick-- so I'm taking the time to watch Green Lantern. Not really watching it for content- just for almost nude moments of Ryan Reynolds. But to my disappoint there has only been one of those so far. 


But I digress- I'm actually wanted to discuss the hot topic of who will play Christian and Ana in the movie version of 50 Shades. 


The gross comments (from my opinion anyway) are Dakota Fanning or Selena Gomez as Ana. Eww! Great suggestions for Christian included: Henry Cavill. Yes, Yes, Yes! Um, you've seen his ads for Dunhill Black, right? Extra Yummy! I would be submissive to that! But do I want him flogging Selena or Dakota! NO! I'm not sure who would fit the girl role. Dare I say myself or Ms M? LOL! Yes, we are too old, but a girl can dream! 


And to seal my nomination for Henry Cavill as Christian Grey--- here is a video that I will Ms M could watch at work to cheer her up-