Ellen Reads Fanfiction!

Holy Shittah!  This might have made the audiobook bearable...LOL!!

Magic Mike...Thud

You have something you want to stick me with? Well go ahead sir-I don't mind!

Fifty Shades of Audio Shittiness

So you may have heard about my new shitastic job. No, it isn't for the CIA as Ms J referred. I feel more like I am going to prison every day. No internet, no radio, no phone, my cell phone has no coverage so I can't even rely on it for the latest on the Twatter or Facebook. Hell, the world could crumble around me and I wouldn't find out until 5pm. All this for an engineering job-and no, not the kind that drives a train-I think they even get radio for fucks sake.

Anyway-I am entering my third week in this crap-ass job and every day I sit pondering how I could end it all. Hang myself from the rafters. Gouge my brains out with my mouse. Throw myself down the elevator shaft. So today in a sad, sad attempt to cheer me up Ms. J sent me a free copy of the Book turned to Fanfic turned book on audiobook (did you follow that?). Now normally I wouldn't condone stealing an "artists" work...but in this case I feel like I already paid the artist for the original work (aka: Stephenie Meyer). I mean seriously...I have kept my mouth shut on this issue for a while because I didn't feel I knew all the facts...but after listening to this "book" I can truly say it IS a total rip off of Twilight...Hell, she even uses quotes from Twilight...Now don't get me wrong...I have said this before-I worship some of the authors out there that write awesome fanfic-they are so talented and it is unbelievable that they share that talent with the rest of us Fo' Free!!! I even don't mind reading a FAN FIC that happens to have some Twilight quotes in it, but for the love of God if you are going to "rewrite" your fic don't just do a find and replace with just the names but leave everything else the fucking same. You can't leave quotes directly from the Twilight series in your book and call it original...my English Professor would agree with me-that is Plagiarism and that would earn you a big fat F!

"You left the bodies but you only moved the headstones! You
only moved the headstones!"

Now I realize this "work of art" is NOT suppose to be a comedy...but I find myself curled in a ball laughing at this Selena Gomez sounding chick as she tries to sound...uuuuhh...sexy? and her Edward..I mean...errr...Christian Black...Blue...Green..Oh yeah..Grey..voice just about kills me..it sounds like a 75 year old pedophile.
 

                                                   Want some Candy Little Girl?

The first "sex" scene was hysterical...I had to pause it several times because the chick reading it was all "OOHHH" "AAHHH"ing like I was listening to a bad 1-900 number sex call. And don't get me started on Jacob/Jose...really? Jo'FuckingSe? She makes him sound like an illegal immigrant who has just jumped the boarder.

But those things weren't even the tip of what is wrong with this audio fanfiction...I mean book.

Firstly, how many times can you use the same adjectives to describe the same thing before it gets old. For fucks sake lady invest in a thesauruses! "My Medulla Oblongata...My Medulla Oblongata...My Medulla Oblongata" Good Fucking God! I get it!! Incidentally...correct me if I am wrong-but doesn't that portion of your brain control your breathing, heart rate and vomiting, not so much your "thinking"...oh wait! I think I am going to vomit if I have to listen to any more of this shit!

How many times do we have to hear about how clean Edward is...I mean is this a problem in this lady's normal everyday life? Is her husband a filthy slob so she feels compelled to write about "clean" men? When I read a book about a guy who is suppose to be rich and hot...I sort of just assume he occasionally takes a shower as well (am I wrong here??). Also, every time she describes Edward's...damn it-I did it again! CHRISTIAN'S... fingers and how fucking looooonnnng they are and how long his legs are all I can picture is a Praying Mantis waiting to devour me.

Want to me meet me in my Red Room of Pain?

Now my "Inner Goddess" is staring at me over her half moon spectacles and telling me that I probably should have kept my opinions to myself, but I am telling her to fuck off-no one reads this blog any way and she's all "Holy Shittah you are right! You are such a loser Ms M! Maybe next time you fly too close to the sun you should let it suck you right in".

xoxo

Ms M

Why #50 Shades? Why not #Sempre?

Ms M and I were having a discussion about why some of our other favorite fanfics couldn't be turned into movies. We love, love, love Emancipation Proclamation aka Sempre! Personally, I would love to see EP as a movie! Peter Facinelli as Cullen mafia dad would be super yummy- The story has a great plot and character development. It also touches your heart and does more than just get your panties wet. 


I was hoping with the publicity of  50 Shades that it would bring to light the other published fanfiction. I guess we will wait and see. Maybe we should all tweet to eonline and EW to make our point known. God knows Khar deserves a movie deal too! 


Who would we cast in EP/Sempre? Ugh! I'm sure young Hollywood could supply 2 good actors to be E and B. And for us older ladies-- some great scenes with Peter and other 'mafia' members. Dare I say, Ian Somerhalder :-) Channing Tatum... I wonder if Khar has anyone in mind who could play the parts. 


The thing is EP/Sempre would draw in both men/women with the drama of the mafia and then the loving relationship of E and B. 


Damn if, as news outlets are reporting, KStew is looking into starring in the part of Ana in 50 Shades, maybe she could do EP/Sempre also. Her and RPattz could just keep making fanfics... 


Other fan fics that we wouldn't mind seeing turned into movies include: The Office (Ian Somerhalder = Beautiful Bastard); The Submissive trilogy (which I actually could get into a lot more than MOTU/50 Shades); Hockeyward (This could be a great romantic comedy) 


Ladies, please get your screenplays ready! 

Ms M, A Little Henry to Cheer You Up

So now Ms M has reentered the work world this week and unfortunately she is secluded from all of the outside communications. Seriously-- no cell phone access, no internet, and her phone is monitored. You would think she worked for the Secret Service. I'm home today because the kiddo is sick-- so I'm taking the time to watch Green Lantern. Not really watching it for content- just for almost nude moments of Ryan Reynolds. But to my disappoint there has only been one of those so far. 


But I digress- I'm actually wanted to discuss the hot topic of who will play Christian and Ana in the movie version of 50 Shades. 


The gross comments (from my opinion anyway) are Dakota Fanning or Selena Gomez as Ana. Eww! Great suggestions for Christian included: Henry Cavill. Yes, Yes, Yes! Um, you've seen his ads for Dunhill Black, right? Extra Yummy! I would be submissive to that! But do I want him flogging Selena or Dakota! NO! I'm not sure who would fit the girl role. Dare I say myself or Ms M? LOL! Yes, we are too old, but a girl can dream! 


And to seal my nomination for Henry Cavill as Christian Grey--- here is a video that I will Ms M could watch at work to cheer her up-

Popular Culture? Yes Please!

After trolling some other blogs in our "age" group we began to wonder-when did it become taboo to enjoy the things that were popular or considered fads?

It seems as though in an attempt to be cool you can't like anything that "is" cool at the moment.

I guess that makes us extremely nerdy around these parts of the woods because we LOVE popular culture!! And when I say we LOVE it...I mean we FUCKING LOVE it!!

As for music: We love listening to the top 40 stations. Ms J knows every word to the Jay-Z song he wrote for Blue Ivy (Glory) and when I hear an Adele song I can't help myself but to turn it up. Are we rocking out to some Fun "We Are Young"? YES we are!!

As for TV: Where do we start? Do we love The Vampire Diaries? DUH! How about the Secret Circle..yup! Revenge? Yes Yes! American Horror Story, Walking Dead, The Voice, American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, The Soup, House, True Blood, Supernatural, The Soup, Flipping Out, Interior Therapy, Hoarders, Storage Wars (YUUUP!), Storage Wars Texas (Bring It!!), My Crazy Obsession, My 600 lb life, Celebrity Rehab, along with every fucking talk show there is...Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yeeeeeeeeessssssss!

We live for it all!!

Don't get us started on Movies...we love those too! Redbox is our BFF! and Tuesdays are the best day of the week!

I think it all started when we were kids. My grandma and Ms J's mom were both Soap Opera JUNKIES and instead of getting to watch Sesame Street or Kaleidoscope like all the other kids our age we were watching Bo and Hope get it on and Sami Brady whip up her newest scheme with Lucas to break up Carrie and Austin. We will still turn on DOOL every now and then just to get a glimpse of EJ naked...YUM!

Along with being Soap Junkies, our "parents" were also Celebrity Gossip Whores...We had access to every magazine available: The National Enquirer, People, Star...oh sure we knew most of the shit in there was....well...shit, but we ate that "shit" up! We knew by the 3rd time they said Janet Jackson was going to have alien baby twins and she didn't - that the stuff was BS-but it was still fun. Still today when waiting in the doctors office if I am given the choice between National Geographic and People....I choose PEOPLE! Every FUCKING time!

As for fashion: We enjoy pretty shoes and things that make us feel like girls. Just because Bella Swan pulled off looking like a thrift store lesbian in Twilight and still got "the guy" doesn't mean it works in real life.

What we really don't understand about all these sites taking a "stand" against Pop Culture is just by having a "Twilight" Blog...you have already succumb to it...you can't have it both ways. Especially considering Twilight has been one of the biggest Pop Culture phenomenons in the last 10 years.

We are not saying you can't have your own style...perhaps ya'll don't feel comfortable shopping in the juniors department, perhaps dresses and heals aren't your thing. Each his/her own!! Our point here is why make others feel bad for liking the "Popular" stuff.

Now I gotta go--I have a DVR that is 87% Full....

xoxo

Ms M

Thanks, Entertainment Weekly, NOT!

So a few weeks ago, Dr. Drew and the Today show found out about 50 Shades...but my husband was already at work that day and doesn't have time in the mornings to really watch-- but the crew over at Entertainment Weekly had to publish a review, a full fuckin' page review, and detail how it was related Twilight fanfiction.

Here's the problem- I don't know if your husband or significant other knows your naughty little (or in some cases not so little) lemony reading habit. Mine does not, neither does Ms M's. Which leads them to wonder why Ms M's fantasy football team is the "Lemonheads" :-)

My husband knows that people write other stories using Twilight characters called fanfiction. Ms M's husband thinks she reads 'free stories' online.

Bottom line: We don't want them to put this all together that us reading 'fanfiction' or 'free stories' equals us reading lots of lemony bits of Edward and Bella.

Why you ask do we not want them to know? Maybe they would think, "Eww that's gross!" or "Great! What's in that story we can try?" or last but not least, "So reading about Edward make you horny?"

Over here at the Lemon Society, we would like to ask you: does your SO or DH know? Does he approve?