RIP 14 Year Old Ms. M...Oh and Corey Too!

You are shitting me right?! Corey Haim did not just die of a drug overdose? How did I not see this one coming? I mean, he'd never touched drugs his entire life, right? He'd never been to rehab (more than once). He never did look like a bloat fish frantically looking for his next fix did he? Did He.... Oh now surely you all are sensing my heavy sarcasm there! I mean seriously folks I am just surprised he lasted as long as he did (well that and it happened on a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning...seriously dude-it wasn't even the weekend). That is not to say a part of me didn't die this morning with him, I mean a part of my youth belongs to the Two Corey's! I loved Lost Boys, and License to Drive! I even watched every stupid episode of The Two Corey's and felt bad for them. I totally blame that Suzie bitch for driving a wedge between them. I just feel good they got a chance to reconcile. RIP Corey! And take care of my 14 year old self you took with you!!

xoxo

Ms M

Swinger's Parties and Potatoes

Ok, so this post is going to be a little off topic..But I have got to tell someone about what happened to the dh and myself...and by someone, I mean I am posting this out there for the entire world to see! LOL!

So my story starts with the fact that I am the social director for our neighborhood HOA, which seems weird to me considering the fact that I fucking hate people, but whatever...it provides me with free booze and party supplies for other get-together's I throw with actual friends. Because I do this I guess the people in my neighborhood think I am a "nice" person, and someone they might want to hang out with... H.A.! So I get a call from this lady who lives here saying she is on the PTO and wanted my help with something and since I was on the HOA board she thought I would enjoy it. Oh yeah, just about as much as I would like a hot poker shoved in my eye (I despise kids about as much as I despise grown people). But I do it...and by doing it she thinks I am just "swell". So she invites me to be a part of her "exclusive couples dinner/game club". I am thinking "what the fuck is an 'exclusive couples dinner/game club', it must be rich people talk, right?". **a side note: My neighborhood is broken up into two areas...the normal area, and the "estates" area...this chick lives in the "estates", I am in the "normal" part. So I am thinking: "hmmm, I really do hate the general public, but getting together with some other couples from our neighborhood might be fun...and I love games! Maybe they will have the New Moon Scene it game...I totally will kick all their asses at that!". So dh and I agree to go. It turns out she is having a "potato bar". She is providing the potatoes and we are to bring our two assigned sides for the potatoes (bacon and chili). So I dig out the "good" Tupperware and off we go.

Clue number ONE that this wasn't such a good idea: We walk into "Martha Stewart's" house and see all the crystal and candles with my Tupperware. Miss Martha quickly scowls at my choice of container and transfers our sides into more "appropriate" dishes the proceeds to dispose of our containers.

Clue number TWO that this wasn't such a good idea: The other guests! HOLY FUCKING HELL BOMBS! I don't care if your husband is the head of cardiology lady, I also don't care how much money your sink costs. I seriously got tired of hearing the same stupid questions about what my husband did for a living, how much money do we make compared to you...etc....for fucks sake-who asks this kind of shit! Who gives a rats ass?

Clue number THREE that this wasn't such a good idea: We seriously had to take a tour of Miss Martha's house and she said things like: "Feel free to touch the carpet....(NOTE FROM MS J: You know that was just a precursor for the rest of the evening) notice the granite, it was imported from Italy, See our kitchen cabinets, the wood is dated back to George Washington"...we had to go look at her stupid toilet. Who The Fuck shows people their Stupid Toilet? We had to watch her flush the motherfucker and hear all about how some Arnold Palmer dude took a shit there. Like I give a shit!

Clue number FOUR that this wasn't such a good idea: After we ate our lame ass potatoes it was time for "games".... and I wasn't seeing a New Moon or Twilight game anywhere! Oh NOOOOOO...the first game on the list was... "Swap Your Spouse"...WHAT.THE.FUCK.! Ok, I don't know what "Swap your spouse" means in "rich land" but in normal everyday land that means...well...that means doing naughty things with someone else's husband/wife...probably naked...like Miss Martha's husband sticking his dingy in my hoo-haa.. and I am really not into that kind of shit. The second game on the list was "Hide Your Neighbors Ding".... After dh and I picked our eyes up off the floor (because they had clearly popped out of our motherfucking heads) we knew we had to come up with some sort of escape plan.

So I went to Miss Martha and said "We are so sorry, but our sitter called and we really need to be going, but thank you for inviting us over.....blah blah blah"...That seemed to irritate Martha all the more. She snapped back at us that if we weren't going to stay around for the games that we should get out of her house at that very moment because the other guests were going to start pairing up in preparation for the games. NO OTHER WORDS needed to be said...DH and I fucking RAN to the door and ran out to the car. You would have thought we were being chased by a rabid vampire...I hadn't seen my husband move so fast in all the years we have been married! We got to the car, got in and started to leave when I noticed we were blocked in. I am like "Well Fucking Shit! I think I am going to hit the car in front of us"...dh is like "Hit the Mother Fucker, I don't care! Just get us the Fuck out of here!"

So in closing...I do believe I can scratch the "I've never attended a Swingers Party" off my list...and I can honestly say, I will never be tricked into attended one again...unless Rob and Ian are going to be there. Then...I'll bring the potatoes!

A Proper Apology For The Sausage Nipples

So, I knew after viewing the atrocity that Ms J posted yesterday we were going to have to come up with something good as an apology...and after searching everywhere I finally found it. Of course Ms. Honolulu Girl found it first and has it posted on her blog, but it is so yummy I don't think she would mind us sharing it with you too. She has all the appropriate thank yous to whoever made this on her site as well, and I am sorry-but after watching this my mind went to mush so I couldn't really form a coherent thought to even think to link back to it...again - sorry! But with out further adieu here it is:

Now how could you not forgive us after viewing that!!??!

Stay tuned though...Ms J has a wonderful story about the Cargo Pants 1980's Boobie Queen...wasn't she just a gem to work with?!

Nippleizer

It wasn't quite this bad or we would have filed a sexual harassment case.

This week as our former employer has been screwing us over, Ms M and I have been thinking about what is not worth making half of our salaries from when we left. The first thing on our list is: Nippleizer. I'm sure you are asking yourself...who is Nippleizer? He is the man at our office who should be wearing a bra or at least a damn undershirt. We worked with a man who had nipples that could cut glass from a foot away when it was cold. So what are two co-workers left to do when they know their pink slips are just days away and they keep getting man-nips shoved in their face?Okay, well, first we put on safety glasses. But next, we wrote this little song to Britney Spears' Womanizer.

Brown noser

Whatcha got, you gonna eat that?

I know you -you gotta know just what we're doing

You can play like your our friend but in our backs we'd be stabbed in the end

I know what you are, what you are, baby

Look at you being more than just a kiss up

Baby, you

Got your nipples all perked up

Fakin' like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em

I know what you are, what you are, baby

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

You Got Me Goin'

You're Oh-So Nosey

But I can't do it

U Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

They Say your Cold

But it ain't cold

You're nothing but

A Nippleizer

Daddy-O

You got the swagger of an insect

Rollie Pollie

Just can't find the right companion

I guess when you have one too many, makes it hard

It could be easy Who you are, that's who you are, baby

Lollipop

you can suck them like a sucker

To think that I

Would be a victim not another

Say it, play it how you wanna

But no way I'm ever gonna fall for you, never you, baby

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Nippleizer

Nipple-Nippleizer

You're a Nippleizer

Oh Nippleizer

Oh You're a Nippleizer Baby

You, You You Are

You, You You Are

Nippleizer, Nippleizer, Nippleizer

Boy don't try to poke my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

Boy don't try to front my eye (I) know just (just) what they are (are are)

The best part of this song was when our Nippleizer actually came over to our desk and began dancing to Womanizer.

A Low Calorie Rpattz / Somerhalder Sandwich

With RL sucking the life out of us...we have no creativity for a real post. So since it is Thursday...and for those of you with fully functional vaginas you know what Thursday's bring... we give you a Damon video:

Yes, we are aware that tonight's episode is a repeat...but we could watch Ian on a constant loop and be just fine!

Now we know some of you are not into Ian/Damon as much as we are...so for your viewing pleasure we bring you a Rpattz/Somerhalder video (we'll take one of these sandwiches any day!):

KHARIZZMATIK Got Me Pregnant!

So, if you all haven't figured it out yet- it is me that got knocked up because of FanFic! Yeah-I am calling you out kharizzmatik! You might be miles away and think you can hide behind your computer screen, but it is all your fault! It is the only explanation there is because up until FanFic entered my life I hated sex. I would fake headaches and diarrhea just to get out of it. My husband had forearms of steel and I am positive it wasn't from cleaning the shower. Although that is what he would tell me he was doing for 30 minutes every morning before work. Then enter FanFic into my life and bammo--my libido went through the roof. I couldn't get enough. Pretty soon my husband was faking the diarrhea and my shower was no longer getting cleaned in the morning. But it was too late! The damage had been done! I guess birth control and a condom are no match to the powers of Mafia PrinceWard and his magical powers.

Warning!!! Do NOT stare in his eyes for too long or you will be registering at Babies R Us with me!

So now while my husband and I are happy about our little surprise, we are still looking to place blame where blame is due and Ms. Kharizzmatik...we are looking at YOU! LOL!

Hot Pokers, Blisters, Cactus Needles...and Sex Tapes?

So, Real Life has been kicking our asses lately, like seriously kicking the shit out of us! RL could have taken a hot poker shoved it straight up our ass, listened to the flesh sizzle then ripped it out...then two days later taken a rusty nail and some salt and ripped open our hot poker inflicted blisters and then shoved cactus needles in there for the rest of time...and it still wouldn't have been as rotten as our week!

Yeah, it was THAT bad.

First one of our kids got one of our cars totalled (and insurance hasn't decided who's fault it was even though she was rear ended and then shoved into oncoming traffic-into a brand new Mercedes no less)... then one of us got pregnant from reading too much fan fic...then our old job called both of us back, but only to offer us a fraction of what we were making before....and just yesterday one of us got a hellacious ticket for speeding through a school zone...

So while I sit here and try to somehow make this post Twilight or Vampire related in some way...the only thing that comes to mind...is our lives have been SUCKING lately! Like a vampire sucking the life right out of us...and to tell you the truth-if THAT was actually what was happening we probably wouldn't be complaining as much. Oh hell, who am I kidding! If the real Edward Cullen was sneaking in my window at night and sucking me dry I wouldn't complain at all. I'd probably set up a video camera and tape it all so I could watch it later when I run out of fanfic to read...Yeah I'd make a vampire sex tape....quit judging me!