Team Jacob...really?

So I told the story about turning my friend "SS" into a TwiNerd a couple of weeks ago...well she calls me today to say/ask "why is Bella with Edward when she could have Jacob"...WHAT??!!!

What am I even suppose to say to that?

So I am like: What the fuck do you mean?

SS says: Edward is an idiot! He lies to her, he keeps things from her and he is all cold and shit. And Jacob is all hot and dangerous -- in a yummy sort of way....and Jacob would never lie or keep anything from her. And when Edward asked her how she could believe his lie after the many times he told her he loved her...well that is what men do...they lie! So who's to think he wasn't lying all the times he did say he loved her...Edward is a jerk.

At this point I am so taken back, I have no words. Does this douche troff not believe in "true love"...Doesn't she realize Edward was doing everything he did to protect Bella because he loved her more than his own life! I am beginning to wonder---are we reading the same books? Are there two different versions out there and that is how we end up with these "Team Jacob" people?


And now, I am not certain what to do with her. She is of course in LOVE with Twilight...but not for the same reasons as me. She still hasn't watched the movie-I am hoping that maybe THAT will persuade her to see the light...the sparkly light! Surely once she catches a glimpse of Mr Pattinson she will change her mind. She admitted today that she had no clue as to who he was (yeah I think the bitch has been living under a rock for the last year).

But--what if she doesn't.

Can I still be her friend?

I mean, it was almost easier to be her friend when she thought I was just a complete nut job and didn't get the whole "TwiNerd" thing--but now to be on the wrong team.

I am having her over tomorrow to watch the movie. If at that point she hasn't switched teams-I don't know what I will do to her.


Wish me luck!

5 Dollar, 5 Dollar Foot Long

It seems I can't even cook dinner anymore with out a perverted vampire penis thought. I may be in need of some therapy...LOL!

It's Hump Day! On the Kitchen Counter?

NOOOOOO K-Stew...that is NOT a bong! You can not smoke it!

Clips and Ass

No words needed......

Paddle Faster I Hear Banjo's

Ok I need to say this first:

I watched the two clips from the comcon thingie
and ......

Unless the Theater allows me to bring a gun in with me to watch New Moon on opening night-I will NOT be going. I couldn't even hear half the shit in the clip over the prepubescent squealing...and If my lazy ass actually stayed up till midnight and paid good money (remember I have No Fucking J.O.B. anymore) and some dumbass twit next to me started talking and screaming all during the movie I would be pissed...and I am not certain what I might actually do. Sooooo.... I will wait...I will wait until all those stupid asses are back in school during the day and go...when the theater is empty-or at least empty of those douchewaffles!


There...I got THAT off my chest...LOL!

Now-let me tell you about my little get-away with Mr. Mini E and his Crack Monkey...oh and the family.

We drove 16 hours to the Smoky Mountains...yeah you read that right...drove. Me, 2 five year olds, a teenager and a husband...16 hours...16 fucking hours. Thank G.O.D. I had Mini E!! And Who knew that Missouri and Kentucky was full of perverts?! Every 10 feet we found signs for Adult Sex Shops. Then there was this diddy: I am not certain what it is...but it read the "Horny Toad"

I never did have time to pull Mini E out and take a picture at the same time-these billboards came up too fast.

We also passed by a State Park called "Frozen Head".... I guess someone was a Twiporn fan.

We stopped to get Mini E a snack along the way

and of course- Mini E and B needed to get their groove on

Then we spent 6 Hillbilly Hell filled days in the Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area. I have never wanted to gouge my ears and eyes out so bad before in my life! I have never seen so many large people in my life..not even at Ms J's beloved NKOTB concert. And I am not talking about people who are just a little over weight I am talking people hooked on oxygen tanks and scooters because they are so large they can not physically move themselves. But yet these people were still carrying around a funnel cake in one hand and a extra large order of french fries in the other. And don't think they won't run your ass over! Shit! I have bruises on the backs of my legs from getting hit a time or two. Ouch!

At one point we got verbally assaulted by a little gay boy. Now, I have nothing against being gay-really I don't. I might make fun of Mr. Scary Story's gay accent, perhaps I have said a thing or two about not being surprised if we found him in the back seat with Zac Efron instead of Selena Gomez...but it is all in fun. I really mean no harm. He probably isn't really gay..he just sounds that way when he says certain things-and it is easier to think of him as gay then to think of him as something I'd like to take a ride on because, well, lets face it-he is underage, and I have stated before-prison doesn't sound appealing to me. Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah, I don't hate gay people...I DO however have a big problem with DumbASS people! !

Little gay boy throws himself in front of our car-perhaps car isn't the right word. He throws himself in front of our Full Sized SUV-like some kind of challenge.

Ding Ding Ding....in one corner we have Little Gay Boy...coming in at 110 pounds soaking wet, wearing bright purple skinny pants and sporting a hot pink back pack...

In the second corner we have Mr Chevy Tahoe...coming in at ...thousands of pounds and ready to run over your ass.

Really DipShit! Who do you think is going to win?

But NOOOO little fucker just stands there, giving us the gay neck. You know the one...where they fling it all in a circle.

So my husband...being the classy guy he is-decides to just drive head on into Gay Fuck...yeah, I was being sarcastic when I said he was classy... anyway-we almost take out Gayboy as he dives to the side of the road-all the while yelling "Bitch" at my husband.

We get parked and from out of no where a pink (I shit you not-the mother fucker was PINK) mini van squeals around the corner and low and behold it is GAYBOY yelling "Thanks for almost running me over, Bitch"...to which my 16 year old replies "AAWW We'd tell you to 'shove it up your ass' but you might enjoy it"---holy shit? When did SHE become so witty? Aaaahhh a proud parental moment...LOL!

We went to Dollywood for a few days. Where the husband finally drew the line with me and said I could NOT bring Mini E in. Dang him...always the fun squasher!

Finally it was time to come home!!! But that meant another 16 freaking fun filled hours in the car!!!

And now we are home...Thank Goodness we are home!

Rob's on People Magazine Cover

Even though I am feeling sad that I didn't get to go to Comic Con, I did get a nice surprise in my mailbox today. RPattz is on the cover of People magazine! The article is about how he has the hots for KStew.

What do you guys think? Are they or aren't they having a secret affair?

By the way--Mini-E and Ms M found some signs today on their trip for a town named, "Frozen Head". She has promised to send pics :-) I'll post those when get them-

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Twiformers

Nothing like Freudian slips to let your family and friends know what you are subconsciously thinking about. This has happened not once by three times over the course of a week.

First time--

Me to my son: "You want to watch Twi...I mean Transformers"

My DH, "Were you just about to say Twilight?"

Thought we could use a good pic of Josh for our Transformers reference.

Second time--I was on the phone with Ms M when my son complained of a headache. So I naturally look at him and ask, "Would some Twilight make that feel better?" Ms M cracked up and began to tease me. I meant, of course, to say Tylenol...but what was I thinking about?

Third time--In the shower, using my Twilight scented Victoria's Secret soap. Okay, so it isn't licensed as Twilight soap, but it is called Amber Romance, which always make me think of you know who's eyes. So I was trying to tell my husband to call my sister-in-law...but instead I say, "Can you give Edward a call to see when they are going to be here?" My DH laughs and says, "I know what you are thinking about in the shower." What he really wanted to know was what I might have been doing with that soap bottle...I will never tell!

Hump Day - Vacation Edition

Happy Hump Day everyone!

Mini-E and Mini-B have hit the road.

Today they decided to 'do it' at a national landmark.

Ms M, get them a hotel room :-)

New Moon Trailer on the Big Screen

My DH and I actually had a date night and left the kiddo with a friend. We decided to go see Harry Potter 6. The lights go down and the previews start. I'm thinking boring, let's get on to the movie. Then I see the Summit logo.


I think I made a gay gasp! The New Moon preview is coming on. (Damn, I forgot to bring an extra pair of panties)

Let's forget the fact I know all the words to the trailer. It was like I was watching it for the first time. Of course, I still have to make a snide reference about KStew while watching. When she asks Edward for something for her birthday- I lean over to my DH and say "Can I have a bong, please?" He looks at me like I'm crazy. He just doesn't get my Twilight jokes. Thank God I have all of you out there, who are my fellow twi-nerds who get my jokes. Or at least I hope you do- LOL!

Ok, I know we've bashed Taylor here before--but--dear God--the big screen does him a lot of good. He look so hot with his new buff muscles. Shit, I think I hear Chris Hansen coming with a pitcher of Iced Tea!


So then it ends-a few people (including myself) begin clapping. I was wishing that they would just show it a few more times.

I had to fight the urge to madly text or call Ms M and tell her what I just saw. Our theater has a strict no cell phone policy once the lights dim. Of course, as soon as the movie was over, I was calling her. I hope that my DH didn't mind too much that Edward interrupted our date.

Looking for Twi-Porn?

Well, Mini-E continues on his vacation--I'm not sure if you can see what is on the signs in background. It says Adult Superstore. Ms M thinks that Mini-E was looking for Twi-porn!

So can you tell where Mini-E is at?

Where in the World is Mini-E?

Ms M and Mini E have left for vacation. Please join us as we see Mini-E go on some new exciting adventures.

We will be posting pics and asking if you can figure out where Mini-E is vacationing that day.

(I hope this trip is less crazy than the NKOTB concert. Hopefully, he won't be seeing any forty year old women in yellow stilletos and hot pants like we did there.)

I Am a Drug Dealer

And my drug is Twilight....

I got a call from a friend of mine this morning...this friend is a professional almost 40 year old chick who thinks of herself to be "too good" to get caught up in fads. She is a sweet person...but her stubbornness to read Twilight was really pissing me off. Her daughter and my daughter are the same age...her daughter is a Twitard Loud and Proud! I envy her. She has Edward posters all over her room, carries the bags, wears the shirts...and no one gives a shit because she is 16-it is expected. I could never get away with that. Anyway..where was I...oh yeah...I get a call this morning that goes like this : ME: "Hello" (my friend SS)SS: "I hate you". ME: "what?" (I quickly go through my head...what the fuck have I done to piss her off??) SS: "Yeah, I hate you, and I hate my daughter too". ME: (again) "What". SS: "May you both die of gonorrhea and rot in hell for telling me to read this fucking book...you for bugging me to read it, and my daughter for having it laying around the house for me to pick up to read...I can't put the mother fucker down". ME: (all giddy) "YOU ARE READING TWILIGHT???!!!??? Oh my God! I am so proud of you! What part are you at???" SS: "I am at the part where he has saved her from the van and is being a Dick."

I can not begin to tell you how happy is has made me...to convert someone into a Twilight Nerd...it is like...my mission in life now! I feel like a Crack dealer! Although I am a little jealous of her...to be in the beginning phases of my obsession-to not really know what was about to hit me. The excitement of it all. I would love to relive it all again. But for now I will relive it through her....and then the next unsuspecting friend I can convert...

I think I will wait until she finishes all the books before I tell her about fan fic and TwiPorn though....oh she is going to LOVE TwiPorn!

Potter vs Cullen

MSN has determined that Edward, er RPattz, wins the teen heartthrob award. I would say he also wins the thirty-something heartthrob award too :-) Check out the clip below:

Twilight vs Potter

I have been watching a whole lot of Potter movies this week to get ready to watch the new one this weekend. I do have to say it was very sad to watch Cedric get killed (RPattz's character). And that RPattz looked very good, even in Hogwarts robes :-)

Point Proven

My point is proven. Some pictures of Rpatz are completely mouthwatering! I don't know what it is about this one that does it. Is it the tousled hair? No-that is under a hat. Oh it must be the smoldering eyes...No? Those are covered too? Oh perhaps it is the the blue shirt, yeah, it must just be the blue shirt.. The blue fucking shirt that is open to Mr. Happyland below! Who out there is visualizing ripping those jeans off with their teeth...oh just me? (blush blush) The naughty naughty things we could do to you Robert! You don't even know!

It's HUMP Day! From the Ceiling Fan?

Well, I was going to keep Mini E and the CrackWho...er I mean Mini B apart as punishment for the tree incident last week...but how could I when I walked in and found Mini E in this condition:

So I went to my secret hiding place and got out his beloved twat monkey. They quickly scurried off to one of the little one's rooms...I heard some banging around and thought I should investigate...THIS is what I found!!!

They were Banging from the Ceiling Fan! OK...I have heard of it before...but have never actually seen it done. Wow Mini E, I am impressed...and a little jealous.

YTMND - twilight

OME! This had me ROLLING!!!

Just click here and watch:

YTMND - twilight

So Who Was Your Orignial Edward?

The other day Ms J and I were discussing Twilight (imagine that) and we started talking about our "original Edwards". I had the pleasure of reading Twilight BEFORE the movie. So my image of "Edward" wasn't jaded by RPatz. I know Stephenie Meyer had this dude (Henry Cavill) in mind for Edward in the beginning:

I know some people have said that before the movie...their Edward was like nothing they had ever seen before. Others were picturing yummy eye candy like Henry Cavill...

I took her Ms J to see the movie before she even read one chapter of the book so RPatz has always been Edward for her. It worked out because he doesn't gross her out or anything--but I know some people who think RPatz is nasty. My very best friend from childhood is waiting for the day when he admits he likes Mr Scary Story instead of Bella. My daughter thinks his forehead is too big and his nose is funky...and for them-they can't finish the books. They watched the movie first and now they can't get past "Edward" being ugly for them.

I know many many many of you disagree with them-but is it because of the character? Or really because of RPatz himself?? Now I won't disagree--RPatz wet is ....well enough to get me wet. RPatz in certain lighting-with certain hair...YUMMMOOLLLAAA! But ...sometimes...RPatz can look ... well, don't hate me....but not so tasty. I know, I know ...everybody can't look delicious every second of every day so don't start sending me hate mail. If I were to have an electronic pleasuring device--it would probably have a picture of RPatz on it. But if you read the books BEFORE the movie like me, who was your Edward?

Tell me yours and I will tell you mine.

Don't Piss Off Your Mini E's

I am guessing all my jokes about Kstew and her crack pipe have caught up with me.
Or perhaps it was this picture that did it:

Hold on Tight SpiderWhore, I mean Monkey

I am not certain Mini E liked it....make that-I am pretty sure I pissed him off! That could be the only explanation for this:

As if you could fight me off! Take THAT Ms. M's Tree!

What do you think?

Dildo Research for the Twilighter

Let me start by saying...confessing really... I do not own a piece of sexual machinery, I have never tried any battery powered / or manual devises in the yonder regions...I don't know why. Maybe it is the fear of it exploding in mid use and me in the emergency room trying to explain the smoke and burn marks coming out my vertical smile. Perhaps it is because I have met some of the women who have "outted" themselves as Dildo Connoisseurs and they frightened me. Some of them kept Big Rubber Wieners in special pillow cases so their significant others won't find them. Others had super secret compartments in their luggage so they could smuggle them into the airports and eventually their in-laws house undetected....which REEEAALLLYY...the last thing I am thinking about at the in-laws is Sex - of any sort. Yeah, Maybe DEATH... I might be plotting theirs, I might be planning my own.... but fiddling with my own skittle...NOT! So as I was saying...these women have NO SHAME! Hell, I think I met one or two where I used to work that kept a few stashed in their desk drawers. At least that would explain a lot... Anyway...Plastic Dings just aren't my thing. BUUUUT..I was mildly curious as to what was out there. You know if the right sex toy came along, I might be interested.

So I began to search...did you know...You can get an Obama dildo appropriately named "Head O State"...? What the HELL?? I like that it is the Commemorative Edition...LOL!



So OF COURSE I had to look for Edward Cullen Dildo's ... I mean come on people if they can make Obama...they can make Rpatz!!

This was the only Sad Sad Sad thing I could find...you can take your mini E and slip a condom over the top and slip it right on into your peach.

OUCH!!! and No Thanks!!

I would need a case of this Vampire Merlot before I would even consider it!

So thus far...No blow up Mr. Cullen, No Big Rubber Mr. Cullen Boner, but you can get a wiener made out the President.

Welcome to HUMP Day...AND We Call Bullshit On a Rumor!

It is HUMP Day so you know what that means! Mini E gets his "hump" on.... On the Barbie boat?!?

Dang Mini E! Not on the Barbie Bar!! Now I am going to have to disinfect that too...not for your juices of course--but you are getting Bella Cooties everywhere!

Ok...I'd like to take a moment and get serious: I am calling BULLSHIT on the "K-Stew was Sperminated by a Vamp" story! Seriously people - who believes this crap? Now..if the headline had read.."K-Stew Gaines a Few Extra Pounds After Hitting the Bong too Hard and Getting the Midnight Munchies"...I might consider that. But NO-I'd bet my left nipple on this one folks! I do not believe she is carrying a vamp child/or human child....a bong...a crack pipe....a prescription for a high powered antibiotic...maybe.....but a child...NO.

Mini E and His Holiday Weekend

It all started Friday Night. Ms J had tickets to the HOTTEST show in town: Her beloved New Kids on the Block.


Or as I referred to them as Geriatric Dudes on the Block.

Mini E, being the gentleman he is...insisted on driving. Thank God though-because all the old ass women on their way to the concert, either had their "Hangin' Tough" cassette tapes blaring to loud and they weren't paying attention...or they just plain didn't know how to drive! Therefore "JackFuck" became the word of the evening.

We got to the venue in record time! Thanks Edward!

It quickly became apparent we were the only NORMAL people there! And by Normal--you are talking about two grown women carrying an Edward Cullen Doll! We didn't realize New Kid Fans were overweight 40+ year old women with beards mostly dressed like Kelly Bundy...W.O.W.

Case in point: We were so "normal" the ticket lady didn't even blink twice when we asked her to scan Edward's ticket.

OK, It was time to find our seats... we didn't want to push our luck-so we decided to "hide" Edward in my purse until we got a feel for the people around us. Not that we thought any of them would have any right to "judge" us while wearing their homemade bedazzled Joey McIntyre t-shirts...but still...

We got settled and took inventory of our surroundings-it seemed harmless enough. ONE picture- we would pull Mini Edward out to take one picture and put him back- that should be easy enough. HA! Those New York crazy Rob fan girls held NOTHING on these crazy ass Bedazzled fat chicks next to us! You would have though that the REAL Edward Cullen had just manifested himself into the seat next to them. The screaming was so loud I couldn't even hear Ms J but I guess she yelled something at me like "SAVE MINI E!" she slammed her body into mine and we were covering Edward and yelling "GET BACK! EDWARD IS OURS!" That must of scared then because they backed the fuck up! One of them muttered something about mistaking Edward for one of the band members...WTF?!

Edward was feeling a little shaken up so we though a beer would do him good!

It did-but the damn thing went right through him!

Once the concert started Mini E did enjoy himself!

Whooa oooa oooa oooa ooooa...Hangin' Tough

He did a little Body Surfing! He tried dancing with the Jabbazockeez and sang along with Jesse McCartney (who we are thinking looks just like that kid off Malcolm in the Middle)...Finally we called it a night.


This was how I found Mini E the next morning!

We think (just like Bella and her Prom) that was his first and LAST Boy Band experience!

Ms M